Regardless of the situation, no matter how hopeless the outcome may be, I will never quit, and I will never back down. I have become the wolf.

since I had my biopsy when in reality it’s only been less than two months ago.  The last of the scab just fell off tonite.  I love it when people comment on my scar telling me that it looks so good and it’s healing so well and it’s “not so big”, and that the doctor put it in a “good” place.  OK, if it’s all those things then how the hell did you notice it enough to comment on it. 

I’m starting to feel “thin” as in puny and weak.  I can’t eat.  Everything tastes like char burned tuna can.  There is a constant gnawing in my stomach that hasn’t been there before.  I try to eat.  I force food down.  I’m more concerned with my water intake.  I need to drink at least 10 bottles of water a day. Apples, bananas and Nacho Cheese Doritos’ are my favorites right now (shit, just explained the gnawing). 

Had to find a “tamer” toothpaste this weekend.  The stuff I was using was burning the hell out of my gums and tongue all of a sudden.  This new stuff is called Biotine and it’s seems to be OK for now. 

Tried to take the boys for a walk last week.  Made it three houses and had to come home.  Last fall I was doing two miles a day.  Now I can’t make it four houses away.  How sad am I.

Right now my bones hurt.  When I sit down, I can feel them poking out.  I’m starting to feel the bones in my chest and neck.  I’m losing too much weight too fast.  Hit 119 yesterday.  I’m trying so hard to stay over 120.  But when you can’t eat, it’s so hard.  And I have to watch my sugar intake.  My numbers were way do high last time and I don’t want to deal with diabetes on top of cancer.  What a blow that would be.

Did have half a great weekend.  Picked up H and took him to an indoor water park Friday night.  We had so much fun and he was such an angel.  Unfortunately, I got sick again, C had an emergency so we couldn’t stay Saturday and play all day as planned.  We came home and gave L the extra park tickets for Saturday so H and I could as least play for a few hours to wear them out.  It’s a small park, but I suppose if you are a 4-year-old, it’s huge.  H played for hours, then we hit the arcade .  I think I had more fun than he did.  He is such a joy to be with.  So articulate and curious.  He can explain things for hours.  My heart just swells every time I hear that sweet voice calling for “Gramma B”.  And I love the fact that Joe is “Grampa B” by default cause he’s married to me.  My little superstar.

I am excited about today.  One of my glass friends is coming over to play with fire today.  She doesn’t have a place to torch and I get exhausted torching for to long so she is coming over so we can play together.  She can torch and I will string some jewelery.  I can’t wait to have someone to talk to who understands my passion.  Hubby pretends well but I don’t think he could explain the difference between CIM, TAG, and Efferte’.  I hope I have the energy to play all day.  At least I have a comfy chair down here so if I need to nap, and C is a nurse so I’m sure she’ll understand a few moment nap.  Although I may be too excited and just hang all day and pay for it tonight or tomorrow.

Oh yeah, tomorrow is lunch with the girls and then chemo.  So, fun before smack-down.  I wonder what this round will bring.  First round I ended up in the hospital for days cause I couldn’t stop throwing up.  Second round, throwing up continued, but controlled with meds.  Appetite gone.  Weak.  Very tired.

Well, it’s late.  I need to get some sleep.  I’m tired, but only sleep in shifts.  I’ll roll over and something will hurt and I’ll be up for a couple of hours more.  I feel bad for Joe.  He’s the one that has to get up early, and I’m not comfortable anywhere but in bed.  Off to find the new book I bought and hope I haven’t read it before (I hate it when I do that, read a book then forget, then buy it again).

Hold your heads high today, eye contact with everyone is important, share a smile, hug someone you haven’t hugged in a while.  Have a Blessed day.


Comments on: "It feels like it’s been so long ago" (6)

  1. Maren Purves said:

    Brenda, I wish you all the best.

  2. Harriet Harrison said:

    I think of you so often and always send up a little prayer that you will stay strong and know that you are loved.

  3. Ellen said:

    I hope you and Katie had a lot of fun!

  4. Joseph Gillen said:

    Efferte Sheet glass for fusing with beads , Tag is what we played as kids trying to catch each other, and CIM is an ancronym for “CREATION IS MESSY” SO THERE!! I luv you.

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