Regardless of the situation, no matter how hopeless the outcome may be, I will never quit, and I will never back down. I have become the wolf.

Posts tagged ‘anger’

It’s a “Super Monday”


4:30 Monday afternoon.  Spent the most wonderful morning and afternoon snuggled with Oscar in my big red chair.  The snow is drifting down in handfuls.  I’ll bed we’ve gotten over three inches today alone.  I love watching the birds play “battledome” at the feeders.  All of them vying for the choicest piece of birdseed, then racing back to the shrubs where they can eat in somewhat warmth.  There must be 100 birds that live in the shrubs outside my side door.  When I open the door to let Oscar out, it’s like a peeps chorus line greeting me every time.

I got my granddaughters’ 2012 piece of bearthday jewelry today.  It’s a silver cat face outline with a four-leaf clover inset in glass where the face goes.  Perfect for year 3.  In case I’ve forgotten to fill you all in, every year on her bearthday, I buy her a piece of jewelry and put it in a box.  On her eighteenth bearthday, she will get this gift of seventeen years of thoughts and finding the perfect piece of jewelry for.  I try to include Peridot or a shade of green to represent Peridot in all her gifts.

“Peridot is a stone of lightness and beauty. Only spiritual or clear-minded persons should use Peridot. The person with too many earthly problems will not be able to understand the beauty of the Peridot. The very spiritual can wear Peridot in a necklace with the stone at the base of the throat to feel its soothing effect. Used in a necklace, Peridot is a protector against negative emotions.”

Since she is also a Leo (like her grandma B), cats or their other worldly likenesses will also be used for her bearthday pieces.

I’m missing my grands something bad.  I haven’t seen them or heard from them since Christmas.  I asked a few weeks ago if I could come down for a few days and haven’t heard anything back, so I’m guessing that’s a no.  It’s so hard when you love them so much, but get to see them so little.  I know it’s because they are so busy and the kids are so active in their lives.  I’m glad they get to do so much with her parents and siblings since we never seem to be able to get together.  It’s good that they get to be really close to a part of their family.  Family is what it’s all about.

I think I’ll go take a hot bath since it’s still daylight.  Nothing better than a hot tub while watching snowflakes fall.

I’ve decided that I want a chihuahua.  A little girl Chi, not a really little one, but a long-haired, medium-sized one.  Tri-colored would be perfect.  If anyone has a hook-up, let me know.

Oscar and I cancelled our appointment today.  We did reschedule it for Wednesday.  The roads were just too scary for me.  Snow covered and icy.  Not what I want to drive on.  She understood and so we are doing it again on Wed.

I’m getting seriously short of fresh postcards for my color wall.  If any of you happen to spot a brightly colored postcard somewhere on your travels, please send it on.  I have several “color boards” that I pin postcards, and cards and photo’s to give me inspiration for making beads and jewelry.

Dinner is on, so I’m headed up.  Have a soft evening all.  See you tomorrow.

 

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Yeah, it’s been awhile…


Since I’ve posted anything.  This last round of chemo combined with the cold damp weather is breaking me.  All I want to do is sleep.  I don’t want to eat.  I don’t want to go shopping or running around visiting.  I just want to get warm and to stop hurting all the time.   

I can’t wait for summer to get here.  Yesterday was a teaser here in Michigan.  It got warm enough to sit outside for about an hour and get a little yard work done.

It sucks having a 50 yr old brain in a 90 yr old body.  

I am working on feeling better, making plans for things to do next month.  I want Joe to take me to the sparkly house in Detroit so I can take some photo’s.  That’s an incentive to get me outside the house.  Once its warmer.  

I did bust a move on the fridge yesterday.  Looked at the expire date on everything and filled a trash bag with condiments that were purchased for one recipe then stored for eternity in the big cold box in the kitchen.  Sad to say that I had a jar of curry paste that expired in 2008.  I don’t like curry, I don’t remember buying curry and from the smell of it, it’s not something that I’d ever run out to taste.  Strange things sometimes manifest in my cupboards and fridge.

Went to Dearborn and tried a new restaurant yesterday.  A place called Fridas Mexican Cusine.  Good food, reasonable prices, but slow service overall.

I also managed to clean the bedroom today.  My side of the bed was starting to look like a bad Hoarders show.  Books stacked, empty chip bags, bowls, wrappers, two trash cans and a carpet that Oscar refused to walk on.  Took me all of 10 minutes to dust and straighten up, I don’t know why I put it off, just do.  Pushing the vacuum is something we both do so it doesn’t get too bad, but picking up my crap is my job.

I think I’m going to wander upstairs and take a hot bath, watch a movie, relax with a magazine.  

 

Spent the day with a wonderful old friend.


She’s actually Joe’s cousin, but my friend.  She has come to Michigan from Washington State to spend some time with friends and family and we were delighted to be able to spend the afternoon with her.

Lupe is a marvelous person with so many stories and life events that I love talking with her.  We have actually only met face to face on four occasions and each time is like we just left each other, we spend hours just talking and catching up.  Even the first time. Roll back eighteen years… Joe and I are living in a very small apartment.  Lupe, Bob and their two boys roll up in their “home”.  Yep, they lived in a motor home.  Such an adventurous spirit she contains.  She was a homesteader in Alaska, been in the Army.  Raised two small boys in the wilderness.  Grew up in Detroit.  The stories this woman tells.

And that’s not her real virtue as a friend and fellow. She asks questions of you, questions that demand multiple sentence answers.  Things like “tell me how you spend your day.  From first cup of coffee till bedtime.  Then she listens and questions your activities.  She has a knack of drawing things out of you that you didn’t know you in you, which prompts a story which prompts another funny story from one of us and another and another.  The four of us talked for three hours in the restaurant and the time just flew by.

It really is a blessing that there are some people out there that are interested in who you are, not what you have that can further their agenda.

Please make sure that you follow my blog so I can include you in the waves of white light I send out nightly.  It makes me sleep better picturing the people I care about being cloaked in white light for the evening.  That way I know they are protected.

 

Drumroll please……


The winner is the Alitma!!  Apparently my puny little cancer cells didn’t measure up to the big gun medicine so he backed off the dosage of Altima by 25% and we’ll see how I do on that.  I can already tell that this is coursing through my body at light speed.  Little pearl of poison infiltrating my cell structure to wreak havoc over the mutant cancer invaders.  Maybe my life is one big video game.  I keep getting restarts on the cancer thing till I get it right and move to the next level.  What fun that will bring.

Did have something interesting happen today at the oncologists office.  A little background here, as little as possible.  In 2006 when I was first diagnosed with cancer everyone rallied to my support, with the outstanding exception of the two people I directly reported to and the one person I worked with.  Now for four years I spent 10 hours a day with these people, the one that I worked with I thought was one of my greatest friends.  We shared everything.  Anyway, as soon as I was diagnosed, I ceased to exist for those three people, most notably the one I thought was my friend.  Calls were not returned.  Lunch meetings with other friends she always had an excuse not to attend.  I’ve seen her twice, both accidental meetings, since I left work.  Guess who I ran into today.

Sure enough, walked into the doctor’s office today and there she stood.  Big as life and she remembers me.  I don’t look anything like I did then so I don’t know how, but she did.  She put the big show biz grin on her face as she squealed out my name and made to hug me.  I looked her in the eye, exchanged a quick “hi, howareya”, and continued on talking to the nurse.  I knew who she was, she hasn’t changed a bit.  I know I should have been more civil, but I couldn’t find it in my heart to be.  She dropped me like a hot rock without a word or reason.  She hurt more than my feelings during those months.

Anyway, I think I handled it well, like a lady and an adult.  I wanted to scream and cry and ask her why, but I maintained control.  I hope I can handle the rest of this chemo with that much control.

Good night all. Sleep well.

 

Aside

Words of wisdom by Virginia Swift.


I read this and had to share it. 

A time comes in your life when you… finally get it. When in the midst of all your fears and insanity you stop dead in your tracks and somewhere the voice inside your head cries out – ENOUGH!

Enough fighting and crying or struggling to hold on. And, like a child quieting down after a blind tantrum, your sobs begin to subside, you shudder once or twice, you blink back your tears and through a mantle of wet lashes you begin to look at the world through new eyes.

This is your awakening. You realize that it’s time to stop hoping and waiting for something to change, or for happiness, safety and security to come galloping over the next horizon. You come to terms with the fact that he is not Prince Charming and you are not Cinderella and that in the real world there aren’t always fairy tale endings (or beginnings for that matter). and that any guarantee of “happily ever after” must begin with you, and in the process a sense of serenity is born of acceptance.

You awaken to the fact that you are not perfect, and that not everyone will always love, appreciate or approve of who or what you are and its OK. (They are entitled to their own views and opinions.) And you learn the importance of loving and championing yourself, and in the process a sense of newly found confidence is born of self-approval.

You stop bitching and blaming other people for the things they did to you (or didn’t do for you) and you learn that the only thing you can really count on is the unexpected. You learn that not everyone will always be there for you, and that it’s not always about you. So, you learn to stand on your own and to take care of yourself and in the process a sense of safety and security is born of self-reliance.

You stop judging and pointing fingers, and you begin to accept people as they are, and to over look their shortcomings and human frailties and in the process a sense of peace and contentment is born of forgiveness.
You realize that much of the way you view yourself, and the world around you, is a result of all the messages and opinions that have been ingrained into your psyche. And you begin to sift through all the crap you’ve been fed about how you should behave, how you should look, how much you shouldn’t weigh, what you should wear, where you should shop, what you should drive, how and where you should live, what you should do for a living, who you should sleep with, who you should marry, what you should expect of a marriage, the importance of having and raising children, or what you owe your parents.

You learn to open up to new worlds and different points of view. And you begin re-assessing and redefining who you are and what you really stand for. You learn the difference between wanting and needing, and you begin to discard the doctrines and values you’ve outgrown, or should never have bought into to begin with, and in the process you learn to go with your instincts. You learn to distinguish between guilt and responsibility, and the importance of setting boundaries and learning to say NO. You learn that the only cross to bear is the one you choose to carry, and that martyrs get burned at the stake.

Then you learn about love. Romantic love and familial love. How to love, how much to give in love, when to stop giving, and when to walk away. You learn not to project your needs or your feelings onto a relationship. You learn that you will not be more beautiful, more intelligent, more lovable, or important because of the man or woman on your arm or the child that bears your name.
You learn to look at relationships as they really are and not as you would have them be. You stop trying to control people, situations, and outcomes. You learn that just as people grow and change, so it is with love. and you learn that you don’t have the right to demand love on your terms. Just to make you happy. And, you learn that ‘alone’ does not mean lonely.
And you look in the mirror and come to terms with the fact that you will never be a size 5 or a perfect 10 and you stop trying to compete with the image inside your head and agonizing over how you “stack up.” You also stop working so hard at putting feelings aside, smoothing things over, and ignoring your needs.

You learn that feelings of entitlement are perfectly OK. . . and that it is your right to want things that you want. and that sometimes it is necessary to make demands. You come to the realization that you deserve to be treated with love, kindness, sensitivity, and respect, and you will not settle for less. And you allow only the hands of a lover who cherishes you, to glorify you with his or her touch. and in the process you internalize the meaning of self-respect.

And you learn that your body really is your temple. You begin eating a balanced diet, drinking more water, and taking more time to exercise. You learn that fatigue diminishes the spirit and can create doubt and fear, so you take more time to rest. And, just as food fuels the body, laughter fuels our soul, so you take more time to laugh and to play.

You learn that, for the most part, in life you get what you believe you deserve. and that much of life is a self-fulfilling prophecy. You learn that anything worth achieving is worth working for, and that wishing for something to happen is different from working toward making it happen. More importantly, you learn that in order to achieve success, you need direction, discipline, and perseverance.

You also learn that no one can do it all alone and its OK to risk asking for help. You learn that the only thing you must truly fear is the great robber baron of all time: FEAR itself. You learn to step right into and through your fears, because you know that whatever happens you can handle it, and to give in to fear is to give away the right to live life on your terms.
You learn to fight for your life and not to squander it living under a cloud of impending doom. You learn that life isn’t always fair, you don’t always get what you think you deserve, and that sometimes bad things happen to unsuspecting, good people. On these occasions you learn not to personalize things. You learn that God isn’t punishing you or failing to answer your prayers. It’s just life happening. And you learn to deal with evil in its most primal state – the ego.

You learn that negative feelings such as anger, envy, and resentment must be understood and redirected, or they will suffocate the life out of you and poison the universe that surrounds you.

You learn to admit when you are wrong and to build bridges instead of walls. You learn to be thankful and to take comfort in many of the simple things we take for granted, things that millions of people upon the earth can only dream about a full refrigerator, clean running water, a soft warm bed, a long hot shower. Slowly, you begin to take responsibility for yourself. by yourself, and you try to make yourself a promise to never betray yourself and to never ever settle for less than your heart’s desire. And you hang a wind chime outside your window so you can listen to the wind. And you make it a point to keep smiling, to keep trusting, and to stay open to every wonderful possibility.

Finally, with courage in your heart and with God by your side, you take a stand, you take a deep breath, and you begin to design the life you want to live as best as you can.

~ Virginia Swift ~

I never thought I’d ever forget


one iota of feelings I had going through cancer last time.  From the sick to your stomach constantly to the gnawing fear in your gut but boy did I forget a big ole’ one today.  I totally forgot what a withdrawal felt like. 

They put me on Fentanyl (sp?) for pain when they took the tumor out of my neck.  Now this is some rocking pain-killer and will knock a grown man down, I myself hardly notice it.  Somehow either yesterday or overnight, my patch fell off.  I can’t find it, so not really sure where it is, the dog probably ate it. 

Anyway all morning I couldn’t figure out why I’ve felt miserable, pain in my chest, heart racing, sweaty, queasy, achy, cold and shivery.  I thought I was coming down with something.  I lay on my chair all morning feeling like I’d been hit by the Oh-shit truck.  Finally at about noon, I noticed my patch was gone.  Then I got hit with the reality truck.  I wasn’t sick, I was missing my meds.  Really baaadddd MOJO to go off your meds unassisted.  I have a feeling that it will be many days for my body to catch up with the meds again.  Wow, lesson learned for me huh?

Got tons of stuff flitting around my wounded little brain that I can’t bring myself to write about.  Every time I start, my throat chokes and my eyes get teary. 

I really can’t believe how many friends I have that I have never met.  I belong to a national chat board for Lampworkers and have chatted with and cheered and cried for these women countless times.  Now they are making my heart happy with the outpouring of love that I get from these women and men whom I’ve never met, but could probably tell you more about their lives than my own sibs (may the fleas of a thousand camels infest their underwear).

I can’t believe how many friends I don’t have close.  There is not one person that would say OK if I called and asked to meet for lunch.  I get the ho-hum, not today, maybe next week, I’ll call you. 

Guess I’m just a bit soupy right now.  I think I go crawl into bed and pull the covers over my head and just be for awhile.

I’m so scared and I want to keep my dog 

Tomorrow I find out my results.


And I’m totally terrified.  What if the chemo didn’t shrink the cells?  What if they spread.  What if this pain in my neck isn’t just a sore muscle.  I get a little freaky before getting the results of tests.  I probably won’t sleep tonite.  Too busy worrying my little head to sleep.  I’m working on the shrug that I’m crocheting for M.  It’s flying by.  I think I’ll need more yarn for it tomorrow.  I can’t wait till she sees it.  Damn,  off track again.  Results can come out one of three ways:

  1. Everything went away, tra la tra la, and I never have to worry again.
  2. The tumors are there, but they have shrunk, so continue with the chemo.
  3. Gone too far, didn’t catch it in time.  Tumors have spread.  Sorry.

I’m sick trying to guess what the results will be.  My stomach is in a knot and I can hear my pulse in my ears.  Sounds really fast to me.  I know my BP is through the roof.  Just panicking

I did the one thing that I was not supposed to do.  I went on the internet and looked up the survival rate for my type of cancer in the “recurrence” department.  Numbers don’t lie, or look good.  Of the 20% that survive a year half of those will have a recurrence in a year.  Of the other 10% most will make it to the five-year mark.  (which is right where I am)  3% survival rate based on where it is and the spread pattern and the tumors in the throat. 

OK, starting to depress myself.  Time to change subject.  Really easy for me to do.  Pool is open!!!  I’m so excited to look out the back window and not see a black pit.  Of course, the only ones enjoying it now are the ducks,  Mom get’s such a kick out of letting the dogs out to chase the ducks.  Someday, one of them is gonna get wet. 

Quick report on how I’m feeling.  All my joints feel like they are full of glass.  My stomach is constantly sore, like everything I eat is poisoned somehow.    I constantly hear the beat of my heart in my ears and it’s annoying the shit out of me.  I’m fighting hard to maintain a “happy face” facade for Mom and friends, but I’m about to burst.  Good news is that I haven’t thrown up in two days.  I’m really very happy about that.  My chest and stomach muscles need time to recover.

Well, it’s midnight and it’s raining.  Think I’ll go curl up in bed and watch the finale of ANTM.  Huggs to all who read this.  I know I have some cards and letter out, just need to find the strength to do it.

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