Regardless of the situation, no matter how hopeless the outcome may be, I will never quit, and I will never back down. I have become the wolf.

Posts tagged ‘memories’

Sometimes reality hits you like a brick


I was just reading a blog from a young lady who has just finished her breast cancer journey.  She was so excited to have all her blank days in front of her.  No doctors appointments, no chemo, no radiation.  Just freedom from cancer.

Then I started to cry.

I remember that day, week, month even years that I thought I was cancer free.  Four and a half years.  Six months from the “five-year survivor” mark.  (The general rule is 5 yrs and it won’t be back) Then I woke one day with that feeling.  That miserable, sinking feeling in the pit of your stomach that let’s you know “I’m back”.

Then there was “round two”.

Now they say I’m a NERD again (no evidence of recurring disease) even though I have to go every three weeks for chemo.

I asked the new oncologist on Tuesday about this drug they have me on.  It’s supposed to stop the cancer cells from spreading.  I asked him how long I’d have to be on it and he told me what I already know.  I’ll be on it for the rest of my life unless one of two things happen, either they cure cancer, or my body decides it’s had enough and becomes immune to the drugs.

I had to go out to interact with people today.  I figured out long ago that most people don’t really want to hear the answers when they ask how you are doing.  They want to hear “fine”,  sometimes I go into details just to watch their eyes glaze over.  It’s a good thing I can act, I should have a freaking Emmy by now.  I hate having to pretend, but I won’t do the pity party thing either.

I think it’s time for a nice nap now.  Have a good day everyone.

Take me out to the Ballgame


It was a cliff hanger folks.  Detroit was up 8-4, top of the ninth.  The other team scored three runs right away.  Luckily, the third pitcher they put out was able to get the job done.

The game was good, but it would have been so much better if it wasn’t 91 in the shade with hardly any breeze.  I think I dropped five pounds in water weight alone.

The best part of the game for me was playing “remember when” with the kids during the down times in the game.  We have taken so many long vacations and just short weekend trips and have seen some strange things.  All in all it’s been a pretty good run.  I do believe the good times outweighed the bad, and you can’t beat that with a stick.

 

Oh, I got my once a year corn dog today.  I know they are a disgusting mix of hot dogs and corn bread, deep-fried on a stick, but I love them.  So I allow myself one a year.  It’s a treat and a reward and a gross indulgence slathered in yellow mustard.

Well, I think I’ve had way too much fun and sun today.  My head is baking.

Oh, finally have a plan for the last bedroom.  I’m not gonna give too many hints away, but watch for some serious changes.

Have a great night all.  Sleep well.

And the good news is……


Apparently I don’t have any masses in my throat that she could feel (the ENT I mean).  It dawned on me just how long I’ve been her patient today.  About a year after first seeing her she got pregnant.  Her daughter just turned 17.  Gotta love doctors you can trust for so long.  Come to think of it, I’ve been seeing my Gen Physician for 19 years.  I’m a firm believer in long-term.

Anyway, the bad news is, apparently the radiation has damaged my thyroid and it may not be working anymore.  Which would explain my lack of appetite, exhaustion, upset stomach, headache, strange sleeping patterns, just a ton of things.  All of which can he helped with the addition of another pill to my arsenal of medications to be taken daily.    So if that is the sum total of my bad news for the week, I’ll take it.  And, if they need to, they can biopsy with a needle.

I’ve counted and since 2007 I have had nine major surgeries.  All of them etched into my brain like mini videos. The pre-op room, the doctors and nurses and the joking.  I always like to leave them laughing.  Being wheeled into surgery and joking with the doctors.  The one horrible surgery where I had to be awake and I begged them not to strap my arms down.  I’m so claustrophobic and that would have killed me.  I promised that doctor the moon and the stars if I could just keep my arms crossed on my chest.  He finally got a nurse to agree to sit at my head and watch my arms so I didn’t move.  It was very comforting feeling her hand on my arm through the whole thing.  Then the post-op.  Everyone all concerned and worried till you walk down and pee by yourself.  Then you can go home.  Out of the nine they only kept me after for three of them.  Love intensive care.  Hate being on the cancer ward.  I have horror stories of sharing rooms with old sick people.  (one of my roomies farted once and I gagged for three hours.  The smell wouldn’t leave.  Nurses kept spraying and nothing worked.  Shudder remembering).

Oh, but I’m forgetting, I no longer have a black hole in my back yard.  We have uncovered the pool!!!!  The new furnace works wonderfully.  I fully plan on using it this weekend.  Cooking out and hanging out.  Most of my flowers are in their pots.  I have an extra low maintenance yard.  Keeping the pool cleaned is the hardest part, but I do love vacuuming it.  It’s so quiet and peaceful in the morning.  I can stop and think and just be for a short time.  I love watching Oscar play “George of the Jungle” with the Yucca and the other bushes that we have.  He stalks ground squirrels and chipmunks with ferocious dedication.

I’m off to grab a snack and just chill for the rest of the evening.  I hope everyone makes the most of every day.

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