Regardless of the situation, no matter how hopeless the outcome may be, I will never quit, and I will never back down. I have become the wolf.

Posts tagged ‘memories’

Sometimes reality hits you like a brick

I was just reading a blog from a young lady who has just finished her breast cancer journey.  She was so excited to have all her blank days in front of her.  No doctors appointments, no chemo, no radiation.  Just freedom from cancer.

Then I started to cry.

I remember that day, week, month even years that I thought I was cancer free.  Four and a half years.  Six months from the “five-year survivor” mark.  (The general rule is 5 yrs and it won’t be back) Then I woke one day with that feeling.  That miserable, sinking feeling in the pit of your stomach that let’s you know “I’m back”.

Then there was “round two”.

Now they say I’m a NERD again (no evidence of recurring disease) even though I have to go every three weeks for chemo.

I asked the new oncologist on Tuesday about this drug they have me on.  It’s supposed to stop the cancer cells from spreading.  I asked him how long I’d have to be on it and he told me what I already know.  I’ll be on it for the rest of my life unless one of two things happen, either they cure cancer, or my body decides it’s had enough and becomes immune to the drugs.

I had to go out to interact with people today.  I figured out long ago that most people don’t really want to hear the answers when they ask how you are doing.  They want to hear “fine”,  sometimes I go into details just to watch their eyes glaze over.  It’s a good thing I can act, I should have a freaking Emmy by now.  I hate having to pretend, but I won’t do the pity party thing either.

I think it’s time for a nice nap now.  Have a good day everyone.

Take me out to the Ballgame

It was a cliff hanger folks.  Detroit was up 8-4, top of the ninth.  The other team scored three runs right away.  Luckily, the third pitcher they put out was able to get the job done.

The game was good, but it would have been so much better if it wasn’t 91 in the shade with hardly any breeze.  I think I dropped five pounds in water weight alone.

The best part of the game for me was playing “remember when” with the kids during the down times in the game.  We have taken so many long vacations and just short weekend trips and have seen some strange things.  All in all it’s been a pretty good run.  I do believe the good times outweighed the bad, and you can’t beat that with a stick.


Oh, I got my once a year corn dog today.  I know they are a disgusting mix of hot dogs and corn bread, deep-fried on a stick, but I love them.  So I allow myself one a year.  It’s a treat and a reward and a gross indulgence slathered in yellow mustard.

Well, I think I’ve had way too much fun and sun today.  My head is baking.

Oh, finally have a plan for the last bedroom.  I’m not gonna give too many hints away, but watch for some serious changes.

Have a great night all.  Sleep well.

And the good news is……

Apparently I don’t have any masses in my throat that she could feel (the ENT I mean).  It dawned on me just how long I’ve been her patient today.  About a year after first seeing her she got pregnant.  Her daughter just turned 17.  Gotta love doctors you can trust for so long.  Come to think of it, I’ve been seeing my Gen Physician for 19 years.  I’m a firm believer in long-term.

Anyway, the bad news is, apparently the radiation has damaged my thyroid and it may not be working anymore.  Which would explain my lack of appetite, exhaustion, upset stomach, headache, strange sleeping patterns, just a ton of things.  All of which can he helped with the addition of another pill to my arsenal of medications to be taken daily.    So if that is the sum total of my bad news for the week, I’ll take it.  And, if they need to, they can biopsy with a needle.

I’ve counted and since 2007 I have had nine major surgeries.  All of them etched into my brain like mini videos. The pre-op room, the doctors and nurses and the joking.  I always like to leave them laughing.  Being wheeled into surgery and joking with the doctors.  The one horrible surgery where I had to be awake and I begged them not to strap my arms down.  I’m so claustrophobic and that would have killed me.  I promised that doctor the moon and the stars if I could just keep my arms crossed on my chest.  He finally got a nurse to agree to sit at my head and watch my arms so I didn’t move.  It was very comforting feeling her hand on my arm through the whole thing.  Then the post-op.  Everyone all concerned and worried till you walk down and pee by yourself.  Then you can go home.  Out of the nine they only kept me after for three of them.  Love intensive care.  Hate being on the cancer ward.  I have horror stories of sharing rooms with old sick people.  (one of my roomies farted once and I gagged for three hours.  The smell wouldn’t leave.  Nurses kept spraying and nothing worked.  Shudder remembering).

Oh, but I’m forgetting, I no longer have a black hole in my back yard.  We have uncovered the pool!!!!  The new furnace works wonderfully.  I fully plan on using it this weekend.  Cooking out and hanging out.  Most of my flowers are in their pots.  I have an extra low maintenance yard.  Keeping the pool cleaned is the hardest part, but I do love vacuuming it.  It’s so quiet and peaceful in the morning.  I can stop and think and just be for a short time.  I love watching Oscar play “George of the Jungle” with the Yucca and the other bushes that we have.  He stalks ground squirrels and chipmunks with ferocious dedication.

I’m off to grab a snack and just chill for the rest of the evening.  I hope everyone makes the most of every day.

Just flashed back to the 70’s

Found out that Kiss and Motley Crue are coming to Detroit in September.  I can’t believe how much they want for tickets.  For two seats, in the pavilion, are over 250.00, and those are in row nn.  Any further back and you’ll be outside

I can remember paying 12.50 for really great seats back in ’84 when Motley Crue were at the Fox Theatre in Detroit.  What a rocking show.  I almost remember it.

That was back in the day when you could bring your own to a concert.  alcohol poured like water and since smoking was allowed inside back then, all sorts of strange and wonderful things got fired up in the name of Rock and Roll.

Nikki was a rock God and Tommy Lee, OMG.  The pheromones that poured off that man were toxic.

I wrote the opening paragraphs last Thursday.  Now that I’ve had a chance to ponder the merits of a head banging, good time at 50, I’ve discovered that there are so many other choices for spending that much money that I just can’t justify spending it to see people older than my husband dance around in spandex pants and try to remember the words to a 30-year-old song.  Not to mention that the year have probably taken their toll on the voices of all involved and they just won’t be like the memories.  Maybe memories should remain just that.

I’m going back to drool over iPads now.

Nostalga kicked in today

remembering the Drive-in theatre.  Commerce Drive Inn

The last great money-saving, entertainment for parents of the 60’s and 70’s.  We would only go about once a month, but the planning that went into that venture was worthy of any military invasion.

Mom would set her quarters aside in a separate jar for the movie fund.  When we got to 5.00 We could start to plan.

First there was figuring out which theater to go to.  There were five in the area and they all showed different genre of movies each week.  Diane liked the dopey love stories, I wanted the horror movies and Steven wanted the latest cartoon.  We would have contests to see who got to pick.  Usually it was the one who hit the hardest.  I got to see a lot of horror movies in my youth.

Then there was the snack planning.  We would pop a big brown grocery bag full of popcorn and cover it with butter.  PB&J sandwiches and gallon jugs of Kool-aid.  Usually that day, I would walk the two miles to the party store, collecting bottles and cans along the way, so I could buy a candy bar to take with me.  Since Diane was too lazy to collect anything I always had to share with her, and that sucked, but mom made me.  So I’d get Milk duds or something with lots of little pieces so I would only have to give her a couple and claim it was half.

So it’s the evening of the movie.  We are all so excited.  Mom puts us in our jammies about an hour before sundown and loads up the car.  Pillows, blankets, cooler, popcorn, barf bag for Diane, socks and shoes for potty runs, and the ever popular and indispensable “mosquito coil”.  A wonderful hot burning item that you place in your vehicle and it produces the most irritating smoke and awful stench.  But it worked and you could keep the windows open and enjoy the air.

It would only take a few minutes to get to any of the five theatres near us.  For 5.00 a carload, the whole family could escape for four hours.

Sometimes we would take lawn chairs with us and sit out in front of the car.  The kids all knew each other so we would run and play if the movie was boring.  Which the first one always was.  The second movie was always the headliner and we loved it.  We got to stay up late, run around in our jams, eat fun food (which we never got at home) and play.

By the end of the night we usually had to search out our parents, they tended to gather into groups with their “grown up kool-aid and chat.  A lot of the time though, we were asleep by the end of the second movie and would wake up, tucked into bed, with a faint taste of popcorn on your tongue.  You smile, think about the wonders you saw earlier that night and start to wonder when the next 5.00 will be.

So tired, I feel like I’m 90

I don’t remember ever being this tired in my life.  I went to bed at 8:00 pm last night and didn’t move till 10:00am when the phone rang.  I never woke up, I never changed position.  From what I can tell all I did was sweat.  I woke up to wringing wet nightgown, with my hair dripping wet.  I slept soundly from what I can tell.  No bad dreams to remember.  Just exhausted.  I’m to tired to even fire up my torch.  I wonder how often I can get a B-12 shot?

I’ve been noticing lately how fat the squirrels and the chipmunks are getting.  I hope that doesn’t mean we have a storm heading our way.  I’m so ready for spring.  I can’t wait to unearth the beautiful blue pool that I know is lurking under that ugly black tarp.  The only thing it’s good for now is that the water trapped in the top offers a place for birds to bathe on sunny days and for the ducks to land and rest.  Which of course means that I have to deal with all the birdie poopie when we take the tarp off.  Can’t exactly throw a 20×40′ tarp in the laundry.

I just really want warm weather to get here.  I’m so tired of being cold already.

I had once blogged about my photo wall upstairs and how each of the old photo’s held a meaning to me.  My next photo is one containing my Grandma, Grandpa, my sister and myself.  Sister and me are dressed alike in homemade dresses, hers pink, mine blue.  I was three and she was five.  Grandpa taught me the hardest lesson I’d ever learned that day.  If you want to know, you have to ask.

The suitcase is by the front door….

I’m so getting ready to play for a week.  This is an alternate reality that I’m walking into and I’m going to embrace every aspect of it.  It’s an adventure that’s going to rock!!!  I actually talked Joe into a Segway ride around St. Thomas.  It’s a 3 hour trip so it’s gonna be a blast.  I’ve always wanted to drive one of those, and what better place than in the jungle.  Got my hair cut and my pedicure done.  I’m ready to roll.  Maybe parasailing in the Bahamas.  Adventure awaits in the eastern Caribbean.  I think I’ll even declare Wednesday, “talk like a pirate” day and see how many people aboard ship I can get to join me.  I wonder if I can find an eye patch by tomorrow?  I have a bandana for my hair.  All I need is a parrot and a hook.

By this time Saturday, we will be waving good-bye to Port Canaveral FL.  New’s Year Eve at Sea.  I can’t even imagine how beautiful the ship is going to look.

Only one day to wait.  I have to remember to bring home some sand from every beach.  I’ll put them in clear vessels and hang them from my board as a constant reminder of my trip.  Ok, now I gotta go get a bunch of little containers and throw them in my bag.

Have a peaceful night everyone.  Angel kisses on your pillows.


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