Regardless of the situation, no matter how hopeless the outcome may be, I will never quit, and I will never back down. I have become the wolf.

Posts tagged ‘pissed’

I feel like I’ve just awoken from a deep Cryogenic sleep deprivation chamber


In other words, I’m back from the Hospital again. Last Sunday my face and neck started going numb on the left side. Don’t know what caused the numbness, but it’s here and not going anywhere.  In the emergency room last night another doctor was asking the patient next to me to describe her dizziness without using the word dizzy.  So I started to apply it to my own feelings.  I’m not really numb.  I can feel touch.  What is feels like is that my skin is getting thicker.  Like the nerve endings are receding into my skin.  Anyway, two chest x-rays, two CT scans one MRI later and they still don’t know.  So I go for a Lumbar Puncture on Monday morning. Just to make sure those sneaky CA cells havent moved into the lining of my brain.  Can’t wait for this result.   What fun we are having this week. Off to more interesting subjects.

Have you ever spent any time at all in a hospital?  Time means nothing.  It’s like they run on their own time schedule.  All the clocks could be running backwards and the patients wouldn’t notice a thing.  They keep you sleep deprived by waking you up all night to ask you questions.  Every hour on the hour.  Windows are tinted so you really have no concept of outside time.  In those few glimpses of windows you get heading to your tests you get a distorted view of the outside world.  You can order whatever you want from the menu whenever you want it.  TV stations are confusing and their schedule is not any that I’ve seen before.  Got home at 4:00 pm and could have sworn it was 11.

Had to go straight from the hospital to radiology for my treatment today.  The good news is that my treatments are down from 45 minutes to 20 +/- minutes.  Apparently I’m shrinking at an acceptable rate for them to be comfortable with the reduction in treatment time.  Did have the girls take a picture of me locked into the beast. 

Me and the Beast

C called tonite and gave me a really good pep talk.  I needed to be reminded that I was stronger than I think and tougher than I know and that I have a lot to fight for.  I need to remember that when  sometimes things get down for me.  I just signed you up for my pep squad C.  I plan to be around for quite awhile and need your talks.  Don’t let me slide.
 
Anyway, I’m tired, finally.  Think I’ll go finish watching Blue Bloods and maybe sleep.  Felt so good to take a shower.  Hospitals have funk that clings to you.  Oh and for those that caught the cryogenic in my title.  It’s freezing in that place, and no blankets.  You have to fight to keep the ones you have.

So, did the biopsy thing this morning.


If there is a level of fear below scared shitless, I’m there. 

Apparently when the surgeon found a “really promising” gland and cut into my neck, there was a tumor attached to the gland.  Really not a good sign for someone with a cancer history.  She was able to remove it and send it in for tests, but I have to wait till Wednesday for results.  Then on Thursday I see the oncologist to find out what kind, what stage, where it’s at….  So, pins and needles till then.

The good news is that I’m sporting another rockin’ star on my neck that is about an inch long.  Right in front, above the collarbone.  I get to scare little children for another year till it starts to fade.  Yeah, yeah, quit bitching about a little scar, others have it worse than you.  I allow myself to vent once, play the pity party for 10 minutes then I pull up my big girl pants and get on with it.

Joe did agree to let me go ahead and get another tatoo.  I just need to find a local artist who does amazing dragons.  I have always had an affinity with dragons, and have felt many times to be protected by them.  I have had the same dragon in every car I’ve owned.  He’s been with me for 30 years and he watches out for me.  So, I’m getting a dragon on my left front thigh.  I have a tremendous urge to get it done quickly.  I’ve been dreaming of a dragon for the past several nights, so I know what I want it to look like.  Lots of reds and yellows and orange, really scaly and fierce.  Lots of fire and teeth.  I need a fighter.

OK, I’m off to bed.  I think I’ll take a pain med and zone.  Night all.

So, cancer thinks it can come back does it?


What am I, cancer’s little party girl?  In 2006 he picked me up, took me for a ride, and dumped me on the side of the road.  During the course of that ride, I was poked, prodded, poisoned, radiated, cut open, gutted, cut open and gutted again, more radiation and poison and finally proclaimed “remissioned”.  I prefer the term NERD myself.  Almost as a fallout of that wonderful ride, I’ve lost most of my friends, family and casual acquaintances.  It’s not like I had a boatload of friends, but I had a few I thought were close.  I was really surprised to lose my sister and brother.  While we were never raised close, I’ve always been there for them.  Neither one of them even bothered to call or visit till my husband went off on my mom and she MADE them visit me.

Anyway, since I’m starting the party again, I thought I’d try to document as much as possible. 

So, I went to my Oncologyst last week and he looked at my glands in my neck and throat, listened to my chest, looked at my bloodwork and immediately scheduled me for a CT scan, a PET scan and a Biopsy of a gland in my neck. I looked around and thought “fuck, I’m back on the ride”. 

My CT scan was scheduled for 2:00 in the afternoon on a Wednesday.  Anyone who has ever had one knows that the earlier is better.  You are not allowed anything to eat from 11:00 the night before. You can have water.  1.5 hours prior to your test, you are required to drink this thick, chalky substance mixed with 32 oz of water.  I can’t suck down that much water in an afternoon and they want you do do it in 30 minutes.  For the next two hours you sit and listen to the symphony created by your empty intestines slowly accepting the thick glop you are trying to force into it.  I pity the fool who sits next to me on the bus, I may not be making “those” noises, but he don’t know that.  Anyway, Get to the hospital and they ask when you last ate, what you had, did you drink your goop?  She smiles oh so sweetly and reaches outside the door for another styrofoam cup, a big 28oz’r full of the wonderful thick chalk.  “Here”, she smiles, handing me the glass, “Drink it all down now”.  And she stands there watching you drink and periodically checking her watch to see how far you are putting her behind.

Next we go into the freezing CT scanner room.  Why don’t they just hand everyone robes or tell patients to bring them from home.  Luckily for me, this wasn’t my first turn at the prom so I came prepared.  Flannel shirt and sweats with a heavy pair of socks on.  Tech makes you as comfortable as he can and he installs an IV into your arm.  Now keep in mind that I was in the Oncologyst office on Mon. and they drew vials and vials of blood.  My regular doctor was Tues. and more vials and vials of blood.  Now this poor guy thinks he’s gonna start a simple drip in my elbow.  I know my veins, I’ve been with them through alot in the past many years.  And I do know what veins are viable.  I suggest to the CT guy, hey, can you use the back of my hand, the elbow is sore.  No, no, no, he replied.  I’ve been doing this for years and I know what I’m doing.  Ok, I thought to my self, you got one shot, cause no-one get’s two anymore.  So, the first stab into the inside elbow, he lines the needle up, I suggest supporting the back of the vein with his thumb to steady it.  He snorts, plunges the needle in and I watch it roll off the side of the vein and slide into my arm.  After asking him to swiftly remove the spear from my arm before I rip his tongue out, he runs from the room, presumably for help.  Next nursie comes in.  I quickly explain again, sore veins, etc…  She just smiles and put’s the blue band of death around my upper arm.  Into the vein her needle slips, it looks good, and the vein blows.  Guess what, they end up using the back of the hand.

Other than the IV drama, it’s a pretty simple test, you ride in and out of a tube while a little voice tells you to “hold your breath” and to “breath”.   Getting the IV out is the next worst part, just cause it hurts.

More on the PET scan later.

Woke up this morning with that “don’t make me face people” feeling.


I hate having this feeling but I’m glad that I’m able to recognize it upon waking and therefore able to warn my husband before he says anything.  Not anything wrong, mind you, just anything.  When I’m in this mood, it wouldn’t matter what he said, I’d snap.

I call it my “I don’t want to deal with ANYONE today” feeling.  My head aches in the back, my neck is stiff, my skin tingles like my nerve endings are on fire.  My temper is on a slow boil and it wouldn’t take much to set me off.  I do not go out in public when I feel this way.  It took awhile, but my husband finally understands, kinda, only cause he’s witnessed my explosions.  And he has seen me break in a store and come a hairsbreath away from bitch slapping a parent who either couldn’t or wouldn’t control her child.

I walked away without incident but it took almost every ounce of my self control to do it.

To put it simply.  Some days people irritate the piss out of me.  I don’t know if it’s a result of the Chemo cocktail I endured for so long, or the menapause rearing it’s ugly head, or me just not wanting to deal with people.  Whatever, I’m just glad that DH understands and let’s me be alone when I need it.  He’s a wonderful man.

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