To my son.
You would have been 33 soon. They said my due date was either Dec 30/31.
I miss our talks, well, my monologues to you, as you rolled like a fish and sometimes took offence with a sharp kick or an elbow. I wonder who you would have been, what you would be like, what your beliefs would be. Mostly I wonder what you would have looked like and how you would have felt as I held you, what you would have smelled like. For 6 months I carried you inside me. Felt your changes, watched you grow, hoped and wondered and dreamed. I’m sorry I couldn’t have protected you more. I was too slow and he was too mad. I even remember why, it was stupid.
It’s hard getting older and watching the kids I watched grow up, watching their kids grow up. I missed that connection between mother/child and knowing it’s something I will never have.
So, forgive me for being down for a few days. I’m reflecting on losses and the way things should have been