Regardless of the situation, no matter how hopeless the outcome may be, I will never quit, and I will never back down. I have become the wolf.

Posts tagged ‘depression’

Stupid is as stupid does


I wondered why I slept till 2 this afternoon.  I wondered why I felt “not quite right”, why I wasn’t hungry or thirsty or have any energy.  I just wanted to sleep and couldn’t, everything ached.  Till I looked at my patch and remembered that I was two days late with it.  So stupid.  I freaking know better.  What I was feeling was the first stages of withdrawal, I should so know these by now since I’m so stupid so often.

Found another angel today.  Joe went to the dentist and came back with a package of dental tools that they can’t use any more.  The last time I was in there the assistant and I were talking about glass work and tools and how we shared the same tools and what I used her tools for.  She since went around the office and collected all the “unusable’s” and packaged them up for me.  I love it when angels peek around corners and let you see their faces, even for a split second.  I got a warm, full sensation right around my heart.  That someone would remember a casual conversation and go beyond to actually find tools for me and to make sure I got them, that takes a big ‘ol heart.

Spent the evening watching “another Karate Kid” with Hillary Swank and I’m so wondering how old she was when this movie was made.  The poor costumer spent every minute of the movie trying to cover her adult sized breasts.  I’m amazed they didn’t make more appearances  they did.  I’m convinced they kept making these movies to give Pat Morita a job for another few years. Why is it that I can watch these silly teen-age movies over and over and can only stomach James Bond and his ilk only once?

I’m off to bed.  I can’t believe I slept most of the day away and I’m still tired.  I think my SAD is rearing up again.  Lovely, seasonal depression on top of everyday depression.  A double dose.

Anyone watch the show “Double Diva’s” last night.  Yep, they finally did it.  The advertising boobs made a show about boobs.  Big Boobs too.  Not your everyday boobs.  All we need now is one called “Big Banana Hammocks” and they will have shown all their cards.  We already have the boobs and the ass (Ms Kim) covered.

Really off to bed now.  My thoughts are taking on a random pattern even I’m not comfortable with.

Another chemo day


Five glorious weeks since my last chemo.  I’ve felt so good for the past four days and now I go back in this afternoon to get hammered again.  Seriously, I wonder if  he will let me go five weeks apart instead of three.  I’m convinced that if I wouldn’t have been so sick with this chest cold and stomach flu I would have felt this good for much longer.  I’m still coughing like an old man and there is a little (big) pain in my chest when I cough.  The neurontin has kicked in and my back pain is still down to a three.  I’m OK with that.

I’d forgotten how irritating a tattoo is the second day.  The burning and itching.  But I’m so happy with it.

Just finished a really good book, so good I had Joe read it too.  It’s called ‘Barking at prozac, my diary.  It’s about depression and the feelings of sinking into, being in, and climbing out of depression I hope it Joe understand what’s going on in my head when I sink into that hole for a few days.

Watched a very moving movie the other day called “Desert Flower”.   The movie was based on a true story of a girls struggle in Somalia.  I really want to get this book.  It is a true story that is so moving and inspiring.

OK, we are off to the bank, then chemo, then Michael’s for more yarn (like I need more, you should see my basement, anyone want yarn?).  I think there may even be a Home Depot trip in there somewhere.

Have a great day all.  Keep up the comments please.  I love hearing back from you all.

Sometimes reality hits you like a brick


I was just reading a blog from a young lady who has just finished her breast cancer journey.  She was so excited to have all her blank days in front of her.  No doctors appointments, no chemo, no radiation.  Just freedom from cancer.

Then I started to cry.

I remember that day, week, month even years that I thought I was cancer free.  Four and a half years.  Six months from the “five-year survivor” mark.  (The general rule is 5 yrs and it won’t be back) Then I woke one day with that feeling.  That miserable, sinking feeling in the pit of your stomach that let’s you know “I’m back”.

Then there was “round two”.

Now they say I’m a NERD again (no evidence of recurring disease) even though I have to go every three weeks for chemo.

I asked the new oncologist on Tuesday about this drug they have me on.  It’s supposed to stop the cancer cells from spreading.  I asked him how long I’d have to be on it and he told me what I already know.  I’ll be on it for the rest of my life unless one of two things happen, either they cure cancer, or my body decides it’s had enough and becomes immune to the drugs.

I had to go out to interact with people today.  I figured out long ago that most people don’t really want to hear the answers when they ask how you are doing.  They want to hear “fine”,  sometimes I go into details just to watch their eyes glaze over.  It’s a good thing I can act, I should have a freaking Emmy by now.  I hate having to pretend, but I won’t do the pity party thing either.

I think it’s time for a nice nap now.  Have a good day everyone.

I do believe that I hate Cancer,


chemo, medications and all that goes with it, including the side-effects.  Especially the side effects.

It’s 3:10 in the freaking morning.  I just woke up from a so/so sleep freezing cold but dripping with sweat.  A body is not made to sweat while it’s cold.  It’s just not normal.  The fronts of your thighs are not supposed to sweat, not natural.

I know it’s because it’s chemo day tomorrow.  Try to think of me at 3:30 and whisper a hope that the chemicals will be kind this time.

I’m starting to get used to the throwing up every morning again.  It’s like riding a bike I guess.  You just never forget.  Actually had energy yesterday and got some housework and laundry done.  Now I can’t sleep.  I ache all over, the cold has seeped into my bones and I have a rocking headache.

Right now, I’m off to find a Vicodin for pain, a Compazine for the nausea that will follow the Vicodin.  But at least I’ll sleep for awhile.

Another bad day, and it’s only just begun.


Lost my pain patch last night while I was sleeping.  I swear, I can put 20 lbs of surgical tape on these things and they just fall off.  So, woke up this morning in the beginnings of a full-blown withdrawal.  Anyone who has gone through medical withdrawal knows it’s not very fun.

With me, I start with the cold sweats and chills.  I can’t get warm, and I can’t stop sweating.  My feet feel like blocks of ice, but I can’t put socks on because they are sweating so much that my socks get damp in minutes then it’s worse.  My entire body feels “fluttery”, like a leaf in a breeze.  I’m shaking and my brain is muddled.  I know I slept, but not very well.  I remember waking up several times just so cold my teeth were chattering, but I changed twice cause I was soaked.

I’m off now to get something to eat and to take a nap.  A bad night wears me out more than a bad day does, every time.

The black cloud is descending again


It’s chemo day.

My reprieve is officially over.  Today I find out if I’m eligible for Tarceva or if I stay on the IV.  Either way, I’m just waiting in line for my poison.  The black cloud has descended over my head and I’m unable to focus on anything but sleeping.  I’m just so tired and stressed.  Even the little things like laundry don’t hold my interest now.  I know I have to fight it, but just don’t have the willpower today.  I’ll try again tomorrow.

Be it ever so humble…


So, last week I was seriously depressed.  Hated life, hated cancer, hated chemo.  So Joe, with his unfailing insight suggested that I contact some of my “torch friends” and see if I could take a two/three-day class somewhere (P.S.  to the man behind the curtain.  You’ve been outed my friend, and Thanks).  After not torching full-time for several years, and with the advent of Silver glass and TAG glass and beautiful murrini being made, I needed a refresher course on “How to make a bead 101”.

To my surprise and delight Ann Schermo Baldwin invited me to Virginia to play, laugh, whip me, beat me, make me make good beads. :).  I had such a blast.  And after the first day my confidence came back and watching her work is just mesmerizing.  I learned so many fun thing, and remembered so many fun things.  I truly needed this excursion to rebalance myself.  Thanks everyone that made it possible.

So, I got home and immediately went to fondle my glass and see what goodies I have that she showed me and was amazed at some of the things I’ve collected in the past couple years that I haven’t resold in my haze of meds.  I found lots of amazing silver glass and some Double Helix murrini and Double Helix rods and TAG rods and some really sweet Ventrofond that is at least six/seven years old that is layers of colors with clear.  I can’t wait to blow shards out of it.  It looks amazing.  And apparently I bought pounds of the new Effetre Handmade colors that have come out recently.  I had a box full, tucked in a corner, along with a box of Moretti 104 sheet glass.

I can’t wait till tomorrow to torch all day.  I have so many ideas going through my tiny head.  I’ll post pictures tomorrow of the beads I made with Ann and hope that my beads will continue to improve with practice.

It’s late and I’m tired.  It’s been a busy week.  Huggs to everyone. 

Blessings and goodnight.

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