Regardless of the situation, no matter how hopeless the outcome may be, I will never quit, and I will never back down. I have become the wolf.

Posts tagged ‘Medicine’

Sometimes reality hits you like a brick


I was just reading a blog from a young lady who has just finished her breast cancer journey.  She was so excited to have all her blank days in front of her.  No doctors appointments, no chemo, no radiation.  Just freedom from cancer.

Then I started to cry.

I remember that day, week, month even years that I thought I was cancer free.  Four and a half years.  Six months from the “five-year survivor” mark.  (The general rule is 5 yrs and it won’t be back) Then I woke one day with that feeling.  That miserable, sinking feeling in the pit of your stomach that let’s you know “I’m back”.

Then there was “round two”.

Now they say I’m a NERD again (no evidence of recurring disease) even though I have to go every three weeks for chemo.

I asked the new oncologist on Tuesday about this drug they have me on.  It’s supposed to stop the cancer cells from spreading.  I asked him how long I’d have to be on it and he told me what I already know.  I’ll be on it for the rest of my life unless one of two things happen, either they cure cancer, or my body decides it’s had enough and becomes immune to the drugs.

I had to go out to interact with people today.  I figured out long ago that most people don’t really want to hear the answers when they ask how you are doing.  They want to hear “fine”,  sometimes I go into details just to watch their eyes glaze over.  It’s a good thing I can act, I should have a freaking Emmy by now.  I hate having to pretend, but I won’t do the pity party thing either.

I think it’s time for a nice nap now.  Have a good day everyone.

Easy Peasy they said


It’s just a little test. Will only take a few minutes. They lie like a bad toupee.

Had a biopsy done on my thyroid today. Three hours and it hurts hell. I want a freaking bottle of tequila and I want it now. Vicodin won’t touch this much pain alone.

Got there right on time and went into admitting and waited, and waited. After 5 minutes of waiting to check in, I finally walk down the row of cubicles to find three workers chatting. I don’t wait well, and I think I kinda let them know that in my not so subtle way. So, I get checked in and get sent upstairs for blood work. You would think this would be done in a nice sterile area, right. Not at Botsford. You go through a door, past the receptionist, right at the file cabinets and tucked into a corner is a little chair with a rolling cart full of blood drawing supplies. I can see everyone at their desks, on their phones, doing their jobs. unfortunately, they can see me too. I’m glad I’m not a fainter. That would have been ugly.

So, I go back to admitting so they can direct us to my next test area. And we head back to the ultrasound area. Now most women knows what an ultrasound is and even if they know it’s on a different body part, we still panic a bit. I was naturally confused since I had the ultrasound two weeks ago and I was there for a biopsy. This is where I learned a new phrase, “ultrasound guided biopsy”. Sounds kinda pretty doesn’t it? So they lead us into a waiting room and with a cheery, “someone will get you soon”, they disappear.

Now the first thing I notice is the freezing air. I’m talking there are blankets piled on the chairs it’s so cold in there. It’s OK, I dressed for it, but I grabbed one of those warm blankets anyway and sit down to wait. Ninety long, cold, boring minutes passed before they came and got me. I was up after an hour waiting and asking if there was a problem and by the time she checked and got back to me another half hour passed and they came and got me anyway.

Now they lead me to the ultrasound room and I notice that there are a lot of people there. Usually it’s just you and the tech and today there were two techs, a doctor, a nurse, two lab techs and a partridge in a pear tree. I was in trouble.

I did get to watch the biopsy on the monitor, since I had to keep my head turned that way.

The went pretty easily from there. Some needle sticks, a little sharp pain then done in thirty-five minutes. Now that the lidocaine has worn off though, I’m rethinking the tequila we spoke about earlier. Have a marvelous night my friends. Have a blast this weekend.

It’s Chemo day again – Horray!!


There are days, like today, when I wish and pray I could be a character in a Lewis Carroll novel.  I would dearly love to dive into the Rabbit Hole and into another world where bright colors abound and there are wonders around every corner.    I am, however, drawn more toward the Tim Burton version as opposed to the Disney.  I guess I’m just a bit twisted.

I am aware that wonderland is a “stoners” paradise, but when you consider the myriad of mind altering drugs they have me on.. I feel right at home.

Chemo went OK  .  I do wish they didn’t have to stick both arms twice. Right arm twice to get blood.  My vein is getting hard where they draw blood every time so sometimes it’s more than one stick.  Then it’s the IV in the left arm into which they pour a pint of saline to flush the vein.  Then a hypo of anti-nausea drug is injected into the IV (this stuff makes me tired and cotton mouthy).  Then it’s the bag ‘o steroids that they hang.  It’s about a twenty-minute drip and the effects are felt quickly.  The first sign is a severe burning and itching in all your warm, moist areas. Eyes, nose,  mouth, lower and even lower still.  Really bad until the IV stops.  I’ve discovered that ‘Roid rage is nothing to joke about.  I can go from zero to rip your head off and piss down your neck in seconds.  My heart is racing and my hands are shaking more than ever.  This effect will keep me from sleeping soundly for at least three days, which just aggravates me even more.  Then they finally hang the Alitma.  Another twenty-minute wait.  Not too bad but this stuff makes my stuff makes my stomach hurt.  While I’m waiting it’s the painful B-12 blast to the left shoulder.  So, I can’t lift my left arm, and my right arm hurts like the devil.

So, I’m a tired, bitchy, hungry, trembling, cold and aggravated.  And this is every three weeks for forever.  I think I’m off to take a hot bath.

Please grant me the serenity to not kill the kids around the corner who have been playing driveway hockey against a tarp for the past three hours, and the wisdom to not kill the parents of said kids who put a nice big light out in front of their house so the kids can practice at night too.

I’ve forgotten what this feels like, so I’m sharing


It’s been so long since I’ve done chemo alone and clean that I could never tell what side effects were from radiation and what was from chemo.  Now that it’s just chemo, I can clue you in.

First night.  Can’t sleep.  My shoulders, hips, knees and elbows feel like they are full of pins and needles that just cause the most nightmarish pain.  The muscles in my arms and legs are cramping and feel like they are on the verge of falling asleep, kinda numb with the prickly/tingling.  Starting to sweat now and shake a little.  If this is the first night, I can’t wait till tomorrow.  Only by rocking continuously does the pain subside.  It’s almost as if if I can keep my blood moving in my body it never gets a chance to stop and hurt anywhere.  I did take a vicodin to try to stem the flow before it gets mind numbing, I hope it works.

No sickness yet though.  That’s a good thing.  Nothing like not vomiting on your feet first thing starts the day off with a bang.  I wonder if Joe wonders why I have two lined trash containers next to my bed.

Ok, I’m off to try to sleep again.  Wish me luck.

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