Regardless of the situation, no matter how hopeless the outcome may be, I will never quit, and I will never back down. I have become the wolf.

Posts tagged ‘resentment’

I do believe that I hate Cancer,

chemo, medications and all that goes with it, including the side-effects.  Especially the side effects.

It’s 3:10 in the freaking morning.  I just woke up from a so/so sleep freezing cold but dripping with sweat.  A body is not made to sweat while it’s cold.  It’s just not normal.  The fronts of your thighs are not supposed to sweat, not natural.

I know it’s because it’s chemo day tomorrow.  Try to think of me at 3:30 and whisper a hope that the chemicals will be kind this time.

I’m starting to get used to the throwing up every morning again.  It’s like riding a bike I guess.  You just never forget.  Actually had energy yesterday and got some housework and laundry done.  Now I can’t sleep.  I ache all over, the cold has seeped into my bones and I have a rocking headache.

Right now, I’m off to find a Vicodin for pain, a Compazine for the nausea that will follow the Vicodin.  But at least I’ll sleep for awhile.

Drumroll please……

The winner is the Alitma!!  Apparently my puny little cancer cells didn’t measure up to the big gun medicine so he backed off the dosage of Altima by 25% and we’ll see how I do on that.  I can already tell that this is coursing through my body at light speed.  Little pearl of poison infiltrating my cell structure to wreak havoc over the mutant cancer invaders.  Maybe my life is one big video game.  I keep getting restarts on the cancer thing till I get it right and move to the next level.  What fun that will bring.

Did have something interesting happen today at the oncologists office.  A little background here, as little as possible.  In 2006 when I was first diagnosed with cancer everyone rallied to my support, with the outstanding exception of the two people I directly reported to and the one person I worked with.  Now for four years I spent 10 hours a day with these people, the one that I worked with I thought was one of my greatest friends.  We shared everything.  Anyway, as soon as I was diagnosed, I ceased to exist for those three people, most notably the one I thought was my friend.  Calls were not returned.  Lunch meetings with other friends she always had an excuse not to attend.  I’ve seen her twice, both accidental meetings, since I left work.  Guess who I ran into today.

Sure enough, walked into the doctor’s office today and there she stood.  Big as life and she remembers me.  I don’t look anything like I did then so I don’t know how, but she did.  She put the big show biz grin on her face as she squealed out my name and made to hug me.  I looked her in the eye, exchanged a quick “hi, howareya”, and continued on talking to the nurse.  I knew who she was, she hasn’t changed a bit.  I know I should have been more civil, but I couldn’t find it in my heart to be.  She dropped me like a hot rock without a word or reason.  She hurt more than my feelings during those months.

Anyway, I think I handled it well, like a lady and an adult.  I wanted to scream and cry and ask her why, but I maintained control.  I hope I can handle the rest of this chemo with that much control.

Good night all. Sleep well.


What a wonderful week this has been.

I felt so good this weekend it was incredible.  I know that spending from Thurs to Wed in the hospital trying to get my eating cycle back on track doesn’t sound like fun, but it sure  did help.  I usually fight like a banshee to not have to go, this time I just picked up my blanket and walked in.  No fighting or arguing from me.  I needed the help.  And yes, I take my own blanket in to emergency.  My quilt is so much warmer than the threadbare squares that pass as blankets in the hospital.  Pitiful, just pitiful.  I’m so much warmer with my own.

My arms are so excited that they got the weekend off for a change.  Usually we are getting blood drawn every day, just not this weekend.   They almost look normal again.

I’m really thinking that I need a puppy.  Must be female, smaller than 20 lbs, med to short hair.  Prefer a mix breed that is good with kids.  Let me know.

Daily Life….

What does daily life mean to you.  Mine used to be getting up at the butt crack of dawn and rushing like hell to get to a job I didn’t like working for a woman who couldn’t stand me.  When she found out I had cancer she put everyone under orders that they were not to contact me.  Her brother had recently died of cancer and she didn’t want to hear anything about me.

Of course, really didn’t matter if I ever heard from her, just didn’t like the fact that she forbade other co-workers to contact me.  Made me feel really small and worthless.  You work with and for these people for 10+ years and they can’t even call to see how you are doing.  Really controlled lemmings if you ask me.

Now my days seem like one sad occasion interspersed with joyous moments.  I look around at all the projects that I started and never finished and think to myself that I really should finish some before I start another and I end up starting another anyway.

Saw my oncologist yesterday.  I start chemo next Tuesday which will give me a Monday head start on the Radiation.  I can hardly wait for the pain to kick in.  I know that the first two weeks won’t hurt, not really bad.  Just like a nagging sore throat.  The third week however……Wow.  It’s gonna hurt like hell.  I won’t want to move, swallow, talk, eat, drink. 

Please don’t let that stop you from coming over for a swim and a sun.  Just please call first.  I will post my schedule for Onc.  and Rad. so you know when I’ll be home.  I really want a loud, boisterous, laugh filled summer.  You all have my number, If you don’t, someone you know has it.  Please don’t feel that you might be “bothering” me, cause the silence bothers me more.

Huggs to you all.

Kids on the bus and other stuff.

Boy am I glad my Mother-in-Law doesn’t pay too much attention when we are driving.  We got mooned yesterday by a bus full of elementary kids.  I’m so glad I was turning right.  Where are kids heads at anymore?  When I was 7 or 8 the very last thing that would cross my mind to do would be to show my naked ass, not only to a passing stranger, but to all the people on the bus whom you go to school with every day.  Wasn’t till I was 15 was I ready for “team mooning”.  They just grow up so fast anymore.
Well the ducks and the squirrels are back in the yard.  I can tell spring is here.  My dogs love it too.  All I have to do is whisper “let’s go to work” and they will hear me from anywhere in the house and come running and quivering with excitement.  When I open the side door it’s like they work in tandem.  I don’t know how they figure out who goes where, but they do.  In case anyone thinks I’m cruel, I have to Chi mixes that coldn’t catch their tails on a good day.  I just enjoy watching them during the thrill of the chase.  And the sight of Mo flying acorssed space to dive in after a duck is always good for a laugh.  Especially since he hasn’t figured out yet that 1)Ducks can fly faster than you can swim.  2)Water this time of year is freeking cold.  He’ll figure it out sometime before he dies.
I might be getting two more foster dogs for a couple of weeks.  I explained that I could take them in, socalize them, train them and basically get them used to lovin.  But, I am unable to take them to showings and I cannot take them for home visits.  Since my resistance is down,  just being as careful as I can.  They are a brother/sister pair of Teacup Poms so they are no bigger than 5-6 pounds each.  Such adorable little sweeties. 

Teacup Poms

Look at those sweet faces.  Who would not want these beauties?  Keep your fingers crossed for me.  I really want to give them a great second start.
I really think I need some to paint my bedroom.  I figure that If I take an hour, I can strip the chair rail off the wall (who the hell puts chair rail in a bedroom anyway?), plaster the holes and get most of the crap outta here.  Now the last time they let me paint, they gave me a brush and asked me to cut in the ceiling and the chair rail.  Yep, give a drunk, stoned monkey a paint brush and tell him to paint a straight line.  I think I lasted all of two minutes before they sent me on a lemonade run and never let me back into the room.
This time will be much easier.  With the chair rail down the bedroom and bathroom can flow together.  I’m Thinking two days max.  Picked a soft grey, almost a silver and I want to mix it with a Pearl glaze.  The room get’s a nice east/west window exposure.  I’d love to accent it with raspberry since out bedroom set is cherry wood.
I do tend to ramble.  Gotta love the Fentanyl (sp?)  Makes your brain run on several tracks at once. 
I do know that my honey is taking mom and I out to our favorite restraunt tonite.  I can’t wait, cockails with dinner and dessert.  Then get to see my sweeties tomorrow.  Can’t wait!!!

Woke up this morning with that “don’t make me face people” feeling.

I hate having this feeling but I’m glad that I’m able to recognize it upon waking and therefore able to warn my husband before he says anything.  Not anything wrong, mind you, just anything.  When I’m in this mood, it wouldn’t matter what he said, I’d snap.

I call it my “I don’t want to deal with ANYONE today” feeling.  My head aches in the back, my neck is stiff, my skin tingles like my nerve endings are on fire.  My temper is on a slow boil and it wouldn’t take much to set me off.  I do not go out in public when I feel this way.  It took awhile, but my husband finally understands, kinda, only cause he’s witnessed my explosions.  And he has seen me break in a store and come a hairsbreath away from bitch slapping a parent who either couldn’t or wouldn’t control her child.

I walked away without incident but it took almost every ounce of my self control to do it.

To put it simply.  Some days people irritate the piss out of me.  I don’t know if it’s a result of the Chemo cocktail I endured for so long, or the menapause rearing it’s ugly head, or me just not wanting to deal with people.  Whatever, I’m just glad that DH understands and let’s me be alone when I need it.  He’s a wonderful man.

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