Regardless of the situation, no matter how hopeless the outcome may be, I will never quit, and I will never back down. I have become the wolf.

Posts tagged ‘resentment’

I do believe that I hate Cancer,


chemo, medications and all that goes with it, including the side-effects.  Especially the side effects.

It’s 3:10 in the freaking morning.  I just woke up from a so/so sleep freezing cold but dripping with sweat.  A body is not made to sweat while it’s cold.  It’s just not normal.  The fronts of your thighs are not supposed to sweat, not natural.

I know it’s because it’s chemo day tomorrow.  Try to think of me at 3:30 and whisper a hope that the chemicals will be kind this time.

I’m starting to get used to the throwing up every morning again.  It’s like riding a bike I guess.  You just never forget.  Actually had energy yesterday and got some housework and laundry done.  Now I can’t sleep.  I ache all over, the cold has seeped into my bones and I have a rocking headache.

Right now, I’m off to find a Vicodin for pain, a Compazine for the nausea that will follow the Vicodin.  But at least I’ll sleep for awhile.

Drumroll please……


The winner is the Alitma!!  Apparently my puny little cancer cells didn’t measure up to the big gun medicine so he backed off the dosage of Altima by 25% and we’ll see how I do on that.  I can already tell that this is coursing through my body at light speed.  Little pearl of poison infiltrating my cell structure to wreak havoc over the mutant cancer invaders.  Maybe my life is one big video game.  I keep getting restarts on the cancer thing till I get it right and move to the next level.  What fun that will bring.

Did have something interesting happen today at the oncologists office.  A little background here, as little as possible.  In 2006 when I was first diagnosed with cancer everyone rallied to my support, with the outstanding exception of the two people I directly reported to and the one person I worked with.  Now for four years I spent 10 hours a day with these people, the one that I worked with I thought was one of my greatest friends.  We shared everything.  Anyway, as soon as I was diagnosed, I ceased to exist for those three people, most notably the one I thought was my friend.  Calls were not returned.  Lunch meetings with other friends she always had an excuse not to attend.  I’ve seen her twice, both accidental meetings, since I left work.  Guess who I ran into today.

Sure enough, walked into the doctor’s office today and there she stood.  Big as life and she remembers me.  I don’t look anything like I did then so I don’t know how, but she did.  She put the big show biz grin on her face as she squealed out my name and made to hug me.  I looked her in the eye, exchanged a quick “hi, howareya”, and continued on talking to the nurse.  I knew who she was, she hasn’t changed a bit.  I know I should have been more civil, but I couldn’t find it in my heart to be.  She dropped me like a hot rock without a word or reason.  She hurt more than my feelings during those months.

Anyway, I think I handled it well, like a lady and an adult.  I wanted to scream and cry and ask her why, but I maintained control.  I hope I can handle the rest of this chemo with that much control.

Good night all. Sleep well.

 

What a wonderful week this has been.


I felt so good this weekend it was incredible.  I know that spending from Thurs to Wed in the hospital trying to get my eating cycle back on track doesn’t sound like fun, but it sure  did help.  I usually fight like a banshee to not have to go, this time I just picked up my blanket and walked in.  No fighting or arguing from me.  I needed the help.  And yes, I take my own blanket in to emergency.  My quilt is so much warmer than the threadbare squares that pass as blankets in the hospital.  Pitiful, just pitiful.  I’m so much warmer with my own.

My arms are so excited that they got the weekend off for a change.  Usually we are getting blood drawn every day, just not this weekend.   They almost look normal again.

I’m really thinking that I need a puppy.  Must be female, smaller than 20 lbs, med to short hair.  Prefer a mix breed that is good with kids.  Let me know.

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