Regardless of the situation, no matter how hopeless the outcome may be, I will never quit, and I will never back down. I have become the wolf.

Posts tagged ‘Biopsy’

It’s another Tuesday in MI.


I’ve been doing nothing but sleep for the last three days.  I feel like a wet noodle most of the time.  All I do is sleep, stare at the tv and go to doctors appointments.  I have such a feeling of dread hanging over me it’s a wonder I can get up.  If I didn’t have to puke in the morning, I wouldn’t bother getting out of bed.

I hate waiting for biopsy results.  The dread of facing the third time around is serious business.  I really don’t know if I have the power to fight again.

I swear, our house has the worst heating/cooling system in the world.  I have sweaters, t-shirts, sweats and shorts strategically placed throughout the house.  So I can change clothes from room to room.  Our bedroom, which is at the end of the duct run is the worse room in the house.  It’s temperature is in direct polar alignment with the temp outside.  In the summer, we swelter and in the winter we freeze.   Even on the first floor, the dining and living room are nice and comfortable but the kitchen, family room and bath are freezing. I could conceivably hang beef in my basement it’s so cold right now.  Oscar won’t even come down unless I put a sweater on him, and he goes everywhere I do.

Off to make fish taco’s for dinner.  I hope mom likes it.

Thanks for giving me a place to rant.

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Easy Peasy they said


It’s just a little test. Will only take a few minutes. They lie like a bad toupee.

Had a biopsy done on my thyroid today. Three hours and it hurts hell. I want a freaking bottle of tequila and I want it now. Vicodin won’t touch this much pain alone.

Got there right on time and went into admitting and waited, and waited. After 5 minutes of waiting to check in, I finally walk down the row of cubicles to find three workers chatting. I don’t wait well, and I think I kinda let them know that in my not so subtle way. So, I get checked in and get sent upstairs for blood work. You would think this would be done in a nice sterile area, right. Not at Botsford. You go through a door, past the receptionist, right at the file cabinets and tucked into a corner is a little chair with a rolling cart full of blood drawing supplies. I can see everyone at their desks, on their phones, doing their jobs. unfortunately, they can see me too. I’m glad I’m not a fainter. That would have been ugly.

So, I go back to admitting so they can direct us to my next test area. And we head back to the ultrasound area. Now most women knows what an ultrasound is and even if they know it’s on a different body part, we still panic a bit. I was naturally confused since I had the ultrasound two weeks ago and I was there for a biopsy. This is where I learned a new phrase, “ultrasound guided biopsy”. Sounds kinda pretty doesn’t it? So they lead us into a waiting room and with a cheery, “someone will get you soon”, they disappear.

Now the first thing I notice is the freezing air. I’m talking there are blankets piled on the chairs it’s so cold in there. It’s OK, I dressed for it, but I grabbed one of those warm blankets anyway and sit down to wait. Ninety long, cold, boring minutes passed before they came and got me. I was up after an hour waiting and asking if there was a problem and by the time she checked and got back to me another half hour passed and they came and got me anyway.

Now they lead me to the ultrasound room and I notice that there are a lot of people there. Usually it’s just you and the tech and today there were two techs, a doctor, a nurse, two lab techs and a partridge in a pear tree. I was in trouble.

I did get to watch the biopsy on the monitor, since I had to keep my head turned that way.

The went pretty easily from there. Some needle sticks, a little sharp pain then done in thirty-five minutes. Now that the lidocaine has worn off though, I’m rethinking the tequila we spoke about earlier. Have a marvelous night my friends. Have a blast this weekend.

Had a kind of me day today.


I’m nervously waiting for the results of my last C/T scan.  My nails are chewed to a nub.  I have the attention span of a three-day old puppy.  I so don’t want this back, and what if it’s like last time where the tumor didn’t show on the C/T but was found “accidentally” during a biopsy.  Guess it’s the one time a doctors accident actually benefited me.

I was talking to C the other day on the phone and it dawned on me that in the past 5 years I’ve had 9 major surgeries.  By major, I mean they put you under, make an incision and either put something in, but usually take parts out.  Another biopsy to my neck will really make me look like a slasher victim.  Kids already look at me funny.  My neck is the color of nicely cooked turkey, from the radiation, and the scars stand out like white lines.

Anyway, had a kind of spoil me day, again.  Joe wanted to look for furniture for his office, so we went to a couple of furniture stores, then to Joannes’ for a skirt pattern for me.  (I picked up the coolest material).  Then got my hair trim and my toes pedicured.  I now have bright purple toesies.

I am really learning to love my new iPad.  I’m sure that once the newness wears off, it won’t be so much of a time suck, but for now, I’m having fun playing and learning.  Can’t use it to update here though.  It doesn’t upload photo’s easily and I haven’t figured out how to include photo’s in posts and stuff.  I’m working on it.

I’m calling it a night.  Anyone want to send some white light and hugs for tomorrows results, all will be used whole heartedly.

It feels like it’s been so long ago


since I had my biopsy when in reality it’s only been less than two months ago.  The last of the scab just fell off tonite.  I love it when people comment on my scar telling me that it looks so good and it’s healing so well and it’s “not so big”, and that the doctor put it in a “good” place.  OK, if it’s all those things then how the hell did you notice it enough to comment on it. 

I’m starting to feel “thin” as in puny and weak.  I can’t eat.  Everything tastes like char burned tuna can.  There is a constant gnawing in my stomach that hasn’t been there before.  I try to eat.  I force food down.  I’m more concerned with my water intake.  I need to drink at least 10 bottles of water a day. Apples, bananas and Nacho Cheese Doritos’ are my favorites right now (shit, just explained the gnawing). 

Had to find a “tamer” toothpaste this weekend.  The stuff I was using was burning the hell out of my gums and tongue all of a sudden.  This new stuff is called Biotine and it’s seems to be OK for now. 

Tried to take the boys for a walk last week.  Made it three houses and had to come home.  Last fall I was doing two miles a day.  Now I can’t make it four houses away.  How sad am I.

Right now my bones hurt.  When I sit down, I can feel them poking out.  I’m starting to feel the bones in my chest and neck.  I’m losing too much weight too fast.  Hit 119 yesterday.  I’m trying so hard to stay over 120.  But when you can’t eat, it’s so hard.  And I have to watch my sugar intake.  My numbers were way do high last time and I don’t want to deal with diabetes on top of cancer.  What a blow that would be.

Did have half a great weekend.  Picked up H and took him to an indoor water park Friday night.  We had so much fun and he was such an angel.  Unfortunately, I got sick again, C had an emergency so we couldn’t stay Saturday and play all day as planned.  We came home and gave L the extra park tickets for Saturday so H and I could as least play for a few hours to wear them out.  It’s a small park, but I suppose if you are a 4-year-old, it’s huge.  H played for hours, then we hit the arcade .  I think I had more fun than he did.  He is such a joy to be with.  So articulate and curious.  He can explain things for hours.  My heart just swells every time I hear that sweet voice calling for “Gramma B”.  And I love the fact that Joe is “Grampa B” by default cause he’s married to me.  My little superstar.

I am excited about today.  One of my glass friends is coming over to play with fire today.  She doesn’t have a place to torch and I get exhausted torching for to long so she is coming over so we can play together.  She can torch and I will string some jewelery.  I can’t wait to have someone to talk to who understands my passion.  Hubby pretends well but I don’t think he could explain the difference between CIM, TAG, and Efferte’.  I hope I have the energy to play all day.  At least I have a comfy chair down here so if I need to nap, and C is a nurse so I’m sure she’ll understand a few moment nap.  Although I may be too excited and just hang all day and pay for it tonight or tomorrow.

Oh yeah, tomorrow is lunch with the girls and then chemo.  So, fun before smack-down.  I wonder what this round will bring.  First round I ended up in the hospital for days cause I couldn’t stop throwing up.  Second round, throwing up continued, but controlled with meds.  Appetite gone.  Weak.  Very tired.

Well, it’s late.  I need to get some sleep.  I’m tired, but only sleep in shifts.  I’ll roll over and something will hurt and I’ll be up for a couple of hours more.  I feel bad for Joe.  He’s the one that has to get up early, and I’m not comfortable anywhere but in bed.  Off to find the new book I bought and hope I haven’t read it before (I hate it when I do that, read a book then forget, then buy it again).

Hold your heads high today, eye contact with everyone is important, share a smile, hug someone you haven’t hugged in a while.  Have a Blessed day.

The results are in…..


Stage 4 non-small cell adenocarcinoma. 

Looks so mundane doesn’t it.

Stage 4 non-small cell adenocarcinoma.  It has affected the lymph nodes in the neck and in front of the lung.  So far, other than the one removed, there are no tumors.  Which means I acted fast enough.  But, its stage 4 so it really may not matter.

So, the ride begins again.  Told you all this would be fast and furious.  This morning I”m off for an M.R.I.  We need to see if there are any tumors in my brain that somehow passed notice on all the other tests.

Monday morning we see the Radiation oncologist to start radiation.  I had this guy last time and while I personally can’t stand certain things about him (he matches his ties and his socks.  He reminds me a lot of the character Rene Auberjonois  (Clayton Runnymede Endicott III)  played on Benson.) he is the best around.  I’m praying that I have a voice left when this is done.  The last time they radiated my throat it hurt so much.  Just thinking about how badly it felt makes me sad now, cause I have to do it again. 

Then on Tuesday, Chemotherapy begins.  All new drugs this round.  This time our cocktail will consist of equal parts Alimta and Carboplatin.  These new drugs are supposed to allow me to keep my hair this time (Yippee!!) and to not be so nauseated most of the time.  But it is still a poison and will still be injected into me, and that scares me. 

I’m glad the weather is starting to break and I’ll be able to be outside more.  I can’t wait to open the pool.  Mothers day can’t come fast enough for me. 

I’m off to find my “big girl panties”, put them on, and deal with this.  (Jeeze, I don’t wanna call my mother) . 

Have a great day all, Blessed Be.

Well, Got bad news and no news


Saw the ENT yesterday for biopsy results.  And, drumroll please, It’s back.  She can’t tell me how big, bad, fast or far it is, but the pathology report indicated a positive result.  Apparently the “histology is similar to my previous diagnosis of non small cell ca”.

Which is a really bad.  That means that in all likely hood, I have lung cancer again.  The markers indicated that it was from the lung.  So, what now?  I see the oncologist today at 3:00.  While he will be able to give us a more concrete diagnosis I am under no illusions that the “exploring” has just begun.  More tests, scans, biopsies will follow.  Knowing Dr. M. it will be fast and furious from diagnosis to treatment.  So today is another hurry up and wait day.

I was pleasantly surprised yesterday when there was a knock on my door and two sweet pre-teen girls were standing on my porch.  They asked very politely if they could take my dogs for a walk.  Me, thinking they were little go-getters and appreciating that in a person, asked what they charged for their service.  “Nothing,” they replied, “we heard you were sick again and wanted to help.”  I wanted to cry.  I’ll have to introduce them to Mo before I’ll trust him with them, but he’s doing so great with people so I don’t think I’ll have any problems.  And I will certainly not refuse such a generous offer.  Last time I didn’t want to accept offers of kindness because I didn’t want to burden anyone.  This time, when help is offered I will gladly accept. 

I’ll follow-up with more when I know more.  Love to all.

Can’t seem to move today


Getting my results today at 2:30.  Seems like everything in my life lately is timed at 2:30.   I feel like I can’t make a decision to save my soul.  Every time I close my eyes I see a dark and dangerous path ahead of me.  I’m so frightened, absolutely stone cold scared out of my freaking mind. 

Face it, how many chances do we get in each life to cheat death.  I figure that  the last cancer go around it was my fourth cheat  (If you wanna know the other three, tough,  I’ll save that for another time).  There is a series of movies out called “Final Destination”.  It has long been one of my favorite series’.  The premise of the movie is that several people “escape” death by luck and premonition.  The remainder of the movie is death catching up to even the score.  I can hear the wind fluttering the papers in the back of my mind already.

Haven’t slept much since we got back from Mexico.  Joe bought me a “white noise” machine with the sound of ocean waves on it.  It helps sooth me to sleep, but the demons wake me up.  Dark and dangerous dreams.  Don’t remember them, don’t really want to.  Just not bright and cheery.  I come downstairs in the morning and curl up on the couch with the boys.  I can sleep then.  They snuggle so close and warm.  They know that something is going on with me.  I’ve taken to calling them velcro 1 and 2.

I feel like firing up my torch and just melting glass today.  Unfortunately that means cleaning mandrels, dipping mandrels, then cleaning workspace in order to start.  I’m just too frigging tired.  Have to get off my ass sometime yeah? 

HAGD

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