Regardless of the situation, no matter how hopeless the outcome may be, I will never quit, and I will never back down. I have become the wolf.

Posts tagged ‘pain’

I’m Home!!!

And all that good crap.  I’m just glad I made it home with all my parts intact.

Really, I was glad Joe took me in.  Looking back, three weeks ago I got stomach flu which ended me in the hospital for several days.  I had a week to get better and we went to a dinner party and three people sat next to me and started a conversation which firmly ended when I stood up after they announced “I have a terrible chest cold, don’t you hate coming to parties ill?”  No, what i truly hate are people who come to parties ill knowing that they may infect others who can’t fight it as well as you.  (I honestly don’t think I was that polite, I really don’t.)

Monday was spent feeling generally crappy.  Moped around the house, bitched, whined and complained.  When I wasn’t  bitching I was sleeping.  My chest felt like it had an iron band wrapped around it.  Not good.  Went to doctors and he (oh e oh ah ah, ting tang, walla walla, bing bang) Sorry reverted to childhood there.  Thinking witch doctor.  Anyway, he tells me I’m sick, I have an infection in my lung.  He gives me a shot in the butt and a prescription for some Mega Antibiotics.  I go home, back to sleep.

Tuesday, I came down with Pleurisy.  This is an infection of the  Plenum, the lining around the lung that protects it from the ribs. This infection causes extreme pain when you cough, sneeze, inhale.  And I had to cough.  My lungs were still full of fluid, more like peanut butter, and I had to get it out.  Every time I coughed I had to grab my ribs on my left side and squeeze as tight as I could, lean into the wall and hope it passed quickly.  It didn’t.

Wednesday, I fought it.  Coughing was becoming a contact sport with the wall.  I was fighting to clear this crud up.  I  even tried that crap, you know, the one with the green snots dancing till dawn then getting kicked out.  Waste of $8  if you ask me.  I was up all night coughing with a stabbing pain in my side.

Thursday early, I finally Vicodined out for a few hours, but when I woke up, it was so much worse.  I could barely draw a shallow breath.  I called Joe, told him I needed to get to ER now.  Put on my comfy socks and sweats, grabbed my hospital blanket put my slippers on and sat down to wait for him.  We get to the hospital at 10:30 am and are immediately taken into the ER.  I think the fact that my regular physician was told I was going in and he greased the skids a bit.  By the time we got there all I could take were shallow breaths.  My pulse ox was down to 85 and it was kinda scary.

By this time I am in the capable hands of my doctors and everything else until Sunday afternoon is a blur.  And unless you have pictures and can prove it in a court of law, then I’m denying, denying, denying.  I know I was sick enough to get two pints of blood and for the nurses to be really cheery around me.  Or maybe that was just me being my charming self.

Either way, I’m home now.  My own bed feels like heaven, and although I do miss the room service, it’s good to be home.


It’s been a long day

It’s only 11:00 in the morning and I’m beat.  Spent the last two days cleaning out an apartment.  I have a really hard time understanding how someone can move into a perfectly clean apartment and in one year make it so dirty that I’m disgusted by it.

How can you live for a year and never clean your floors, toilet or tub?  Does it thrill you to know that I have to scrub your boyfriends piddle off the toilet and the floor?  The tub was so dirty but  you could tell took a lot of baths by the layers of rings around the tub.  (Eeeewwww Totally gross to take a bath in a dirty tub)

And really, did you actually eat in the kitchen next to the overflowing litter box? I know it was overfull a lot because of the mess on the floor.  And those hanging things in the corners of your ceiling are called cobwebs.  If you don’t wipe them down occasionally they get coated with your cigarette smoke and get nasty.  BTW, the smoking thing, this is a non-smoking apartment, did you think I wouldn’t smell the stink when I walked in?  And you have the nerve to ask for a refund?  Bitch, take a reality check.  I’m the one that’s going to have to spend two days just cleaning up what you left behind.  So glad you broke your lease.  Kiss my ass.

Now that that’s out, as you can probably tell, I’ve not had a good ending to the week.

My neurologist put me on Lyrica and what a difference.  The pain in my back has gone from a 9 to a 3.  3 is livable, 9 is torture.  The only problem that I have is that is makes me jumpy and almost manic.  So we are going back to Neurotin.

I want to share some photo’s of Oscar that I took this week.  He’s such a ham.

I think I’m off now to take a nap.  Have a wonderful day all.

Whoops, I’ve got to share with you.  I’m getting my newest tattoo on Monday.  I can’t wait.

So much going on, let’s catch up.

First of all, I hope your weekends were wonderful.  Full of new adventures and excitement.

This past week has flown by.  Between sleeping, doctors appointments, tests, sleeping, shopping and napping, I don’t know where the time went.  Wednesday I torched all morning till mom’s shows were over (about 2:00).  She does like her soaps.  Then I packed her up and took her to Hershey’s shoes to buy her a lighter pair of walking shoes.  I’ve been terrified that she was going to trip and fall over her old shoes, they weighed about 5 lbs a piece.  She was cute.  After she tried them on the salesman reached to remove them.  She stood up so fast I thought she would knock him over.  “Nope,” she said, “I’m wearing these “to go””.  And she almost skipped out of the store.  It was a beautiful day outside and the outing did us both good.  Getting out of the house is always a good thing.

Thursday Joe and I went on a mini holiday to the Toledo Zoo.  It a good compact zoo, lots to see, everything close together.  We both seem to remember it a lot nicer many years ago when we used to take the kids there.  But we had a nice day.  Took our time wandering the paths, taking pictures of the animals.


The weekend went by smoothly, got a lot of cleaning done.

Then around rolls Tuesday.  I had an early  Neurologist appointment who has just been kind of thrown into  my history.  He got the cliff notes.  So it could be one of many things, but the for-runners are carpel tunnel or a miss-fire in the mass of nerve endings where they leave the spinal column.  If that is the case it is causing Neuropathy and I don’t know what they can do for it.  All I know is that my arm constantly feels like it’s waking up and tingling.  I don’t even trust that hand to carry important things anymore.

Then I have Chemo.  Another new doctor.  This guy is really fun.  Older than dirt, knows nothing about you or your history.   Two hours later I’m finally hooked up to me meds and I’m just cranky.  I’m also starting to feel like a pincushion for a quilting club.

It’s late and it’s taken me many days to finish this post.  I’ve been in a cleaning frenzy that comes from stressing out.  Now I’m tired and I want to go to bed.  Hugs to you and to everyone you have contact with tomorrow.

Peace, Out.

Having a crappy day today.

I feel like I’ve been hit by a truck today.  Throwing up all day is no fun.  I’m having a steroid headache and my attitude sucks.

I really need to eat something.  Thank god for Joe.  He’s going to stop at Kirby’s coney to pick me up a tuna pita.  For some reason it’s what I crave.

For some reason the enter key just fell off my laptop and my other keys are acting like the alt button has been pushed.  This thing is wacked.  I need to do a cosmic clean out of my hard drive.  I don’t know how to fix the keys though.  Losing the enter key sucks.

I’m getting really frustrated and just need to take a nap and relax.  I hope every one has a better day than I’m having.

I never thought I’d ever forget

one iota of feelings I had going through cancer last time.  From the sick to your stomach constantly to the gnawing fear in your gut but boy did I forget a big ole’ one today.  I totally forgot what a withdrawal felt like. 

They put me on Fentanyl (sp?) for pain when they took the tumor out of my neck.  Now this is some rocking pain-killer and will knock a grown man down, I myself hardly notice it.  Somehow either yesterday or overnight, my patch fell off.  I can’t find it, so not really sure where it is, the dog probably ate it. 

Anyway all morning I couldn’t figure out why I’ve felt miserable, pain in my chest, heart racing, sweaty, queasy, achy, cold and shivery.  I thought I was coming down with something.  I lay on my chair all morning feeling like I’d been hit by the Oh-shit truck.  Finally at about noon, I noticed my patch was gone.  Then I got hit with the reality truck.  I wasn’t sick, I was missing my meds.  Really baaadddd MOJO to go off your meds unassisted.  I have a feeling that it will be many days for my body to catch up with the meds again.  Wow, lesson learned for me huh?

Got tons of stuff flitting around my wounded little brain that I can’t bring myself to write about.  Every time I start, my throat chokes and my eyes get teary. 

I really can’t believe how many friends I have that I have never met.  I belong to a national chat board for Lampworkers and have chatted with and cheered and cried for these women countless times.  Now they are making my heart happy with the outpouring of love that I get from these women and men whom I’ve never met, but could probably tell you more about their lives than my own sibs (may the fleas of a thousand camels infest their underwear).

I can’t believe how many friends I don’t have close.  There is not one person that would say OK if I called and asked to meet for lunch.  I get the ho-hum, not today, maybe next week, I’ll call you. 

Guess I’m just a bit soupy right now.  I think I go crawl into bed and pull the covers over my head and just be for awhile.

I’m so scared and I want to keep my dog 

Third dose done. I’m already not happy.

Once again we got there early (1:15 for a 1:45 apt), in our excitement to get it over with.  Got in, had blood work, had our usual 20 second chat with the oncologist.  You know the one that goes “Well, the glands seem to be shrinking (*from whose end buddy?)  I think we’ll schedule you for another CT, MRI, PET and a series of blood work and see where we go from there.   Oh, and BTW our machine has your bilirubin count at over 4 again, so I’m gonna put you on an IV and send your blood up to the main hospital and we should get the results back soon.”

It’s 2:15.

I get put back in the freezing cold chemo room and cuddle under a couple of blankets and pillows, take out a book and prepare to be punctured again.  They get my IV started and I get as comfortable as I can in these chairs they have and I proceed to fall asleep.  I’ve been so out of it for days dreading being here, that once I’m here, I sleep.  I woke up at about 4:30 and looked over at Joe, he told me that they had started my chemo and to just relax, so I went right back to sleep.  By 6:00 we were done.  I get my IV taken out and get taped up.  I help fold up my blankets and put them away, and I head for the bathroom.  As I finish I feel something cold and wet on the inside of my sweatshirt arm.  I look down and there is blood running off my hand and onto the floor.  I think the nurses were a little freaked when I walked out looking like I’d slashed myself.  And BTW, kinda a bad time to ask if I’m on blood thinners, dont’cha think?

I go to the front desk to schedule my next tests and my next appointment and the girl behind the desk hands me a card with an appointment for three weeks away.  “But what about my tests?” I asked.  “He didn’t order any.” she replied and walks away.  Another worker must have sensed my confusion and asked what was wrong.  I explained about the tests and she said the doctor was in a conference and couldn’t be disturbed, but she would check in the morning and call me back.  It’s 10 of 7 the next evening and still haven’t heard back.  I”ll have to call tomorrow.

Been so tired and chilly since yesterday.  I think I’ve slept most of the day away today.  I did spend some time downstairs with mom this morning.  Spent a couple of hours making lanyard for cell phones or key rings.  They are quick and easy.  I’m so grateful to my friend Catie for agreeing to come over to play, she really lit a fire under my ass to get things moved downstairs and organized.  It’s so much easier to get things done when everything is in the same place.

I’m off to haul this bag of rocks off to bed.  contact points are painful right now so sitting isn’t much of an option.  Have a great night all.

Levels of pain

Don’t you love it when you go to the doctors or the hospital and they ask you to “rate your pain”.  What is this a freaking game show.  If I pick the right number between 1 and 10 to I win the magic injection that will dull the pain. 

Help me figure out this pain scale thing.  So if a 1 is a stubbed toe or hang nail then a 10 must be an axe to the head or cut off my leg with a chainsaw. 

But is it consitancy of pain or level that generates that scale.  A hang nail can bother you for a long time.  You tend to bump it constantly, and a stubbed toe can throb for hours.  While an axe or chainsaw wound while most assuredly hurt like the world ending, such would result in almost instant unconsciousness either natural or chemical.  So which is a greater pain?

And when they ask you to rate emotional pain on the same scale?  How do you rate emotions on a scale of 1-10.  People ask me how I’m feeling and I don’t know how to answer them.  Do I give them honesty (which I’ve discovered makes most people run and hide) or give the polite I’m OK and move on?  What do people want to hear?  Are they asking about my physical or mental health?  I’ve pondered this endlessly.   And just because you ask, don’t think you’re gonna get the true story.  Trust me, sick people can tell if you’re genuinely asking or just doing the mandatory “howareya”.

Guess my heart just hurts today for all the coulda, shoulda, woulda’s that run everyone’s world.  I love where I am, I just wish I had made a few different stops along the way.

Off to wallow in my wounded emotional quagmire. 

Give a smile to someone today, you won’t need it anymore and they will remember it all day.

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