Regardless of the situation, no matter how hopeless the outcome may be, I will never quit, and I will never back down. I have become the wolf.

Posts tagged ‘Radiation’

The closer Tuesday gets…


The more my heart races.  I get my CT results on Tuesday.  I’m so terrified that someone is going to say, “Oops, guess that didn’t work”.  I really don’t want to do this again.  The first time was the most difficult thing I’ve ever lived through.  There were days that I made deals with myself against ending it.  It just hurt so bad.  imagine waking up every day for a year feeling like someone had beaten you with a baseball bat during the night.  You are powerless to stop it.  Nothing makes it better.

The second round was bad, but without the massive surgeries bad.  Nope this one I looked fine, walked fine, talked fine, and I think people had a hard time realizing how much I hurt on the inside.  The scar tissue has been aggravated by the chemo for the last three months.  My Neuropathy is coming back with a vengeance.  My hands go numb at the most inappropriate times.  Really feels weird when it feels like the left side of your face is sliding off.  I’m melting!!!!

I also get another “maintenance” round of chemo on Tues.  The first round knocked me on my ass for two weeks.  I’m just recovering my strength this week and I have to go again.  So not fair.  I do hope that as I get more used to it, my body will adjust and accommodate the chemo.  I really don’t want to sleep the next year away.

It’s Monday morning now.  Didn’t sleep for much last night.  Kept thinking of bad results or good results but with the anticipation of having to do this again, or no results, they screwed the test up, which has happened before.

I had actually forgotten that radiation keeps cooking you even after you stop receiving it.  Three weeks after getting my last treatment, the opening of my throat feels like its swollen shut to the size of a small straw opening.  Swallowing food is an adventure.  I never know if I’m actually going to swallow it or cough it back up.  Eating is always an adventure these days. 

So, I’m off to clean more beads so I can list them in my shop.  I might even try making shards today.  Haven’t made those in years.  I just love blowing glass up then letting it shatter.  I think perhaps I’ll do that first.  I can always clean beads.  I so need a studio helper.  A magical faery to clean beads, photograph and list.  Clean and dip mandrels.  Keep me organized so I can just torch. 

I did stumble over something disturbing yesterday though.  If you’ve ever seen the show “Toddlers in Tiara’s” (or Tods with Tits as I call it here) then you know it’s a beauty pageant for little girls.  They hochiefy these little girls to make them look like southern hooker on crack, then have them parade around and shake their asses in front of people.  Bad enough that they televised it so all the pedophiles can get off on princess barbies, but yesterday there was a “little mister” competition.  Yep, three boys, in full makeup and spray tan, shaking little baby booties on national tv  in booty shorts and sequined tops.  I guess I’m just upset by how many pervs are gonna get off on these little babies.  It’s so not fair to the babies to exploit them.

OK soapbox preaching is over for today.  Huggs to everyone.  Have a magical week.  I’m off to crochet a dragon.  Ask me how, if you dare.

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Cue the Rocky music ’cause I’m comin’ back.


I feel so much better today.  received 8 units of platelets, 2 units of whole blood, one unit of fluids with a Compazine chaser.  I have so much more energy than in the past week, I feel like a new person (basically I am a new person cause of all the new things they’ve dumped into me in the past few months).

Got up early today and cleaned a sink full of beads.  Now to photograph and list them.  Have to wait till tomorrow though.  Too overcast today. 

Went with Mary to the farmers market here in Livonia and bought fresh veggies for the week.  yummy.  Also got enough little cukes to make dill pickles.  My first time, I can’t wait to see how they turn out.  I’ve got 9 pints done and a few more to go.  I’ll let you know how they taste next week.

Found some interesting white eggplant that I can’t wait to try.  Long and narrow, looking more like a smooth skinned, white carrot.  The skin is very tender and kinda sweetish so I’m going to check them out for dinner tomorrow.  Maybe stew them with some fresh tomato and zucchini.   Ohhh, that sounds good for dinner tomorrow.  I’ll roast a lemon rosemary chicken with the fresh veggies and no carbs.  (maybe some fridge bread).  Nice light Sunday dinner.  Today I’m on my own since Joe went to the Woodward Dream Cruise this morning.  He loves going every year.  So I get to poke around.

OK, back to my pickles.  See you all later.

I don’t ever remember feeling so tiny before.


Like I’m made of spun glass and will shatter at any moment.  My emotions are rollercoastering out of control and I swing from crocodile tears to laughter.  Just received an email from M that made my heart happy and two seconds later I’m tearing up like I lost my best friend. I feel hopeless, helpless and out of control.  It’s not a good day in Brenda’s world.  I actually had to have help getting up the stairs last night.  I’m not even going to attempt them today.  I’ll nap on the couch, although I prefer my bed.

I get to go in tonite for a blood and platelets transfusion.  This is going to be fun.  At least I’ll have a real bed and not some corner of the emergency room.  This will take several hours so Joe and I are in for a long night.  Think of us as you tuck into your cozy beds tonight.  Chemo has been pushed back for another week so I’m kinda geeked about that.  I hope it’s my last round of chemo, but I’m never sure.  Only three more radiation sessions to go.  I should be ramped up, but I just can’t manage to imagine driving myself there three more times to do this.  I’m so tired afterwards.  I called Tio and asked if he would drive me for the rest of the week and he agreed.  I’m so lucky to have him and Mary in my life.  They are like the grandparents I never knew and would have loved to have known.  Lucky girl Amanda.

I’m taking my journal with me tonite so I can re-read all the wonderful cards and letters that have been sent from friends and family encouraging me on my journey.  I just wish I had more energy.  Even the thought of laundry is daunting at this point. 

I’m off to my nap.  All my love.

Seems like days, weeks, months….


since I updated here.

The good news is that I am still around and kicking.  The bad news is that I’ve had to skip radiation for the past two days because my platelet count is way too low.  Normal range is from 250-450 thousand.  Today, mine were at 14 tho.  All I want to do anymore is sleep.  I’m guessing that 19 out of my 24 hours are now spent sleeping.  I’m too weak to even take the dog for a walk.  When I stand up, the room spins and I’m afraid I’m going to pass out.  I think the worst emotion that I’m feeling right now is frustration.  I can’t do anything for myself and it’s getting old really quick.  And while I dearly appreciate all of my family for stepping up to help out this past week, I know my guilt will assert itself and I won’t be able to ask for any more time.  Tito took me to the hospital this morning, Dorothy cooked me a weeks worth of food, DH cleaned all my downstairs windows for me (now that’s love) while I slept yesterday because he knew they had been bothering me. 

My throat is so swollen on the inside that I’m having a really hard time swallowing anything.  Even a mouthful of water takes two or three tries to get it all down.  When Dorothy called earlier this week and asked what I needed, I jokingly told her ” a wife”.  Someone that will cook my favorite, easy to eat foods so they are ready when I want them.  Would you believe that she made everything on my list, plus some cheesy soup.  It’s great having a wife.  (now if only…….)

I hope I start feeling better soon.  Arts Beats and Eats is coming to Royal Oak soon (Labor Day) and I really want to go this year.  BBQ ally is going to be bigger than ever.

I have 5 more days of radiation left.  It should be three but with my low platelets, they don’t want to radiate.  So, I wait till Monday and see what the numbers look like then.  I did talk to one of my Oncology nurses and found out that I have several more rounds of chemo left, not a couple, but several.  I can’t wait to find out what that means.  I just want this to be done so I can get on with my life.

Huggs to you all,  Have a marvelous weekend that is filled with smiles and wonder.

12 radiation sessions left….


There is an official end to the tunnel, even though it’s still two more weeks plus, at least it’s a tiny light.  I’m hopeful that I’m done with the chemo also.  This last session tore me up. 

I now fully understand why prisoners were tortured with a strict diet of bread and water.  It causes a binding effect that is most painful to experience.  And given the fact that they ate mostly whole grain breads I imagine that would have been worse.  Anyway, the chemo caused some major binding and intestinal swelling.  Now I have to be careful what I eat for a few days so that I don’t overdo and tear anything.  My insides ache like I went seven with Sonny.

There is something so basic in being reduced to not being able to eat, drink, sleep, vomit or have a bm for four or five days.  By the middle of the third night I was in agony and nothing worked.  Luckily things are moving along swimmingly now.   Lesson learned:  double up on the Senakot the day before and the day of chemo just to smooth things out.

They want to double my radiation tomorrow.  45 minutes in that cage.  I think I’ll ask Tio to drive me, that way I can relax and medicate as needed.  My last double day.  My skin on my neck looks like a Savannah Monitors right now.  Crispy and fried and kinda gnarly, like you used to see on the old women who spent a lot of time by the pool.  Old leather comes to mind.

I am so thankful for my friends and family that have helped me through this.

Somedays you’re the bug, somedays you’re the windshield


Today, I’m the bug.  Had both Radiation and Chemo yesterday and today I feel like something the cat drug through a knothole backwards. 

The radiation is killing the nerve endings in my throat.  Everything is raw and swollen.  Pretty much living on Ensure, Mashed Potatoes, Perogies, and red meat cut very tiny and chewed well.  No more raw fruits and veggies.  They hurt so much to swallow.  The good news about a chronic sore throat is that you can no longer swallow you larger pills.  I spoke to my oncologist yesterday and he told me it was fine to stop taking the biggest one.  He didn’t realize I was still on it, from 2006, when I see him every 6 months with updated med lists.  These busy doctors.

Chemo has got me crapped out again today.  When I’m inside, I freeze from the air conditioning and when I go outside I turn into a sweat ball from the heat.  The first few nights kill me cause I can’t sleep, and Joe can’t sleep cause I can’t sleep.  So, I think I go finish what I’ve been doing all day, sitting in my favorite chair and dozing with the dog.  Wish I could go sleep upstairs but someone in the house doesn’t like having Oscar in the bed cause he sheds too much.  Bummer. 

Have a most wonderful day everyone.  Enjoy your family and your friends.  Toss a little healing white light out for me for tonight.   {{{Huggs to you all}}}

What a wonderful week this has been.


I felt so good this weekend it was incredible.  I know that spending from Thurs to Wed in the hospital trying to get my eating cycle back on track doesn’t sound like fun, but it sure  did help.  I usually fight like a banshee to not have to go, this time I just picked up my blanket and walked in.  No fighting or arguing from me.  I needed the help.  And yes, I take my own blanket in to emergency.  My quilt is so much warmer than the threadbare squares that pass as blankets in the hospital.  Pitiful, just pitiful.  I’m so much warmer with my own.

My arms are so excited that they got the weekend off for a change.  Usually we are getting blood drawn every day, just not this weekend.   They almost look normal again.

I’m really thinking that I need a puppy.  Must be female, smaller than 20 lbs, med to short hair.  Prefer a mix breed that is good with kids.  Let me know.

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