Regardless of the situation, no matter how hopeless the outcome may be, I will never quit, and I will never back down. I have become the wolf.

A couple of weeks ago I had an MRI on my upper back to see if my arthritis has gotten worse.  My anesthesiologist wanted me to have one done prior to giving me my next epidural.  Since it wasn’t my oncologist ordering the test I had to have it done at the regular hospital instead of the Cancer Center where I’m used to going.  So different techs, different radiologists reading the scans.  The anesthesiologist seemed satisfied and gave me my last epidural without any problems.

Last week, however, I went to my oncologist for my annual blood work and checkup.  He looked at the results of the MRI and told me they reported a spot on my right lung.  He’s not sure if this is a spot that has been there, as a result of my prior surgery and it’s just being seen by new eyes, or it’s something new and we need to be concerned again.

So, the hamster is back on the wheel.  The “what ifs” are flying around my tiny cranial cavity.

OK.  we have a CT scan scheduled for when I return from vacation and the oncologist a week later for the results.  So for two weeks this is going to prey on my mind.

Light a candle for me.

I’ve been spending a lot of time recently thinking about our vacations and how we love to sight see and take in the points of interest wherever we go.  Then I thought, I live near Detroit, one of the most interesting places that I’ve heard of.  So I did some research.  So far I have found 70 places in and around the city of Detroit that I want to visit.  I’m sure I’ll find more as I do more research.  I have a lifetime to do it so why not.  Some of the places I’ve been to before, but without photo’s so gotta do it again🙂 . I’ve been chronicling our journey to the sights of Detroit on my “Things to do in 2014” page.  We have spent time the past two weeks visiting the start of the list.  It’s fun exploring your own city.  Just researching everything was so interesting. So, if you want, check out my page, leave a comment to let me know you were there.

Sitting here, by myself in my new space.  Yeah, I have my own space in my house to do my own thing.  As I sit here feeling all impressed with Joe for figuring out how to do this, I’m noticing things that haven’t been done in ever so long.

My jewelry is dusty.  It has a layer of dust coating everything.  There are even some cobwebs lurking among the necklaces.  It’s been ever so long since I’ve stopped wearing it.  Where does one go when one doesn’t work?  I don’t want to go to the mall, cause I don’t want to buy things I don’t need and won’t use.  Going out to dinner is a crap shoot on if I’m going to even eat.  

Wow, I can tell I’m going through a down cycle in my mood swings.  I need to up the xanex or the zoloft or the neurotin, whichever of those is supposed to make me feel better.  Being on eleven different medications can be hard sometimes.  If you forget, or are late, your body plays hell with you.  Which is why my moods are crazy.  Catch 22.  (who remembers it?)  Required reading in my highschool till they banned it and had it removed.  They removed alot of books that year.  1977.  I wonder why?

The wind is whipping today.  Much better than the snow crunch we went through earlier this month.  We have so much snow at the end of our drive that I can’t see to back up.  I physically can’t see the road.  Hopefully this will gradually melt and we won’t have a huge flooding problem to worry about.

I need some ideas to get me out of the house.  Anyone out there have ideas?

Yesterday I made an afternoon of taking care of just me.  Joe helped by driving so I didn’t have too much of a panic attack but things were far from the relaxing day I was looking for.

First stop, legs waxed.  Going on a cruise, don’t want unsightly stubble.  Go into a salon that looks decent from the outside, inquired of the price and it was reasonable.  OK, let’s do this.  The young lady, who spoke no english that I could discern, led me into a back room that was, well…. let’s just say that waxing was not the primary purpose.  The room doubled as a junk depository, break room, cat litter box room.  Of course all this doesn’t register until I’m already into the process of having hairs physically removed from my body via hot wax and a small Asian woman.  By the time I finished, I wanted a shower.  I will never go into that place again.  The sad thing is that it is a salon inside a Meijers store.  I would think that they would be cleaner.

Next stop, hair cut.  I’ve been to this salon before and not had a problem.  Last night when I walked in it was a different salon.  Everything was down from the walls, you could see the dust balls hanging from the fans, the lights were turned up bright so you could see every cobweb in the place.  I hesitantly asked for a  trim since the owner saw me and had greeted me already.  While getting my trim she tells me that she sold the place and she won’t be there anymore.  That is why everything is in such a mess.  All I could think was, if you disturbed this much dust while emptying out the place, It must have been grosser than I thought.  

OK, haircut done, been to two establishments that I will never return to due to neglect.  Going for three, I entered the nail salon for a pedicure.  This salon is bright, white, clean.  OK, I think, a good, relaxing pedicure.  Wrong.  The young lady who first sits in front of me is on her phone.  Screaming into it.  For ten minutes solid.  I’m sorry, I’m there to relax and listening to you scream at someone in another language is not conducive to my peace.  She suddenly gets up, grabs her purse and runs out.  I sit for about fifteen minutes trying to figure out what just happened, the water getting cold, trying to get the attention of someone.  I finally get another pedicurist.  She is not happy to be stuck finishing someone elses customer and lets me know it by rushing through.  Well, her tip reflected her service is all I have to say.

The day did end wonderfully though.  Dinner at my favorite steakhouse with my husband.  Celebrating our 15 (25) year anniversary.

Off to pack.

That’s what has happened to me since my last post.  I keep meaning to post and to update my blog, but spring is here and with the return of warm weather comes the issues that wear a body down to her last spirit and still, have to keep keeping on.

I’m sure we all have our issues and trials that we face daily and lately it seems I have more in my head that I can commit to the written word.  This is a place where I can usually speak my mind and lately my mind is in a place where I fear for others to roam.  I’m starting to come back to me though.  I actually wanted to write today…….

But I didn’t…..

I don’t know what interrupted me that day but it must have been a hell of a something.  I totally lost my creativity that day.  I haven’t made anything all summer, with the exception of one day when I actually, intentionally left the house and went to a friends and she taught me to make ornaments.  No torching, no cleaning beads, no writing, no painting, no knitting, no finished crochet projects (lots started and torn out), no scrapbooking, no card making, nothing.  I haven’t even cooked that much my creativity has been at such a low.

I’ve been in such a dark space this whole summer.  I feel like I’m getting smaller in place when I should be growing and learning and taking advantage of where I am in my life.  Instead I sit, day after day and do nothing.  I’ve tried to volunteer my time, but I can’t seem to get a return call from the organizations I contact.

I do believe the curtain is lifting on the fog that has become my life though.  A very successful outing to see the kids and the grands has help immeasurably toward lifting it.  I love seeing the faces of the ones that lift my heart.  I got the biggest lift to my heart when I was cuddling my granddaughter and she pointed to the pink star tat on over my heart and she said, “gramma, this one is for me, cause you love me forever.”  She is so right.  To the moon and back.

So, we closed the pool today.  Bummer.  No more crystal clear blue waters out the back door.  Now there is a strangely alienesque silver tarpaulin covering the ground over more than half my back yard.  228 days, a Monday, 7 months and 16 days from today until I see the blue water of my pool again, or thereabouts.  

I’m off to figure out what to make for dinner.  I’ve been mentally challenging myself to do little things every day.  Even something like cooking dinner takes a lot of mental powers.

Spent last Saturday at an indoor water-park in Dundee, MI celebrating my grandsons 6th birthday.  I get such a kick out of watching the two kids together.  They will just spontaneously hug, for no reason.  None of my sibs and I were that close.  You only touched each other if you had to.

Needless to say, I spent half of Sun, all Mon. and most of Tues. in a viral induced coma, only interrupted by the repeated and prolonged runs to the bathroom combined with the grasping of the trash can like a lifesaver.  I feel like I have Rubber made stamped on my forehead.  I just can’t be around large groups of people anymore.  Every time I do I get sick.  Even grocery shopping I catch the flu.

After taking the usual three days to recover.  You know the days you mope around trying to connect head, stomach and legs all together again.  It was during that time frame when the neuropathy kicked into high gear.  I can’t sleep at night because of it and I’m useless during the day cause I can’t sleep at night.  It’s a catch 22 made in hell.  I’m going to up-dose on my Vicodin tonight to see if it helps at all.  I’m running on false energy today and tomorrow is Easter Sunday and we will be spending it with Tom, Carla and the girls.  The baby girls will be there too so I know I’m gonna be down again next week.  But to get to spend time with babies is so worth it.

And now for the high of the year, for me at least.  I did something today that I never in a million years thought I would ever do.  I spent more money on two concert tickets then I used to make in a two-week pay period.  But what tickets.  I got to score, thanks to my loving and very understanding of my love of rock husband, tickets to P!NK.  And not just any tickets, main floor section C, row 6 on the inside isle tickets.  Platinum club seats.  I can’t wait till November.  Joe knew how bummed I was that I missed the tickets for her show in April, when I asked he didn’t bat an eye.   I  get to see her P!NKness herself and that is so worth it.  So I’ll give up some crap I wanted done in the backyard this year, so what, I’m going to see P!NK.  Um, did I tell you I scored prime tickets to P!NK, the rock goddess and legend?

OK, I’m off for a hot soak and bed.  It’s been a day it has been.  Good night to all, safe dreams.

Words like: Cupola, Pergola, Begonia, and Ennui.


[ahn-wee, ahn-wee; French ahn-nwee]  Show IPA


a feeling of utter weariness and discontent resulting from satiety or lack of interest; boredom


I’ve been feeling this nagging sense of ennui for the past two weeks.  Ever since I burned my hand torching last Tuesday and I haven’t been able to play with flame or to do much at all.  In case I forgot to tell you guys or update my blog lately, but I put my hand into my torch last Tuesday.   No, it wasn’t some tribal ritual, or ancient rite of passage, just me torching and not keeping focused on the flame.  It was almost as if I forgot the flame was there and stuck my hand right into it.  I got the base of my right thumb pretty badly.  It didn’t even blister, just kinda cooked in one spot.  New skin is finally coming in, but it still smarts.

I am so tired of this period between winter and spring, it’s too cold to go outside, but everything is blooming and the snow is almost gone, but what’s left is a mud puddle.

At least the gardening catalogs are coming in on schedule.  I’m hoping to put in a few raised beds this year so I can garden more.  My five-year plan is to have a “no-mow” yard with the pool and the gazebo (another good word) and plants and flowers everywhere else.  I would love to naturalize with easy to care for indigenous plantings.  Lots of Bee balm and butterfly bushes, but tons of veggies too.  Enough to can and put up for next winter.  I love canning fresh  foods.

I’m off now to soak my hand.  It’s a good thing that I went to the lavender festival last fall, and it’s a really good thing that I got ambitious and made lavender oil last month, and it was even  more advantageous that the finished bottle of lavender oil was in the basement when the burn occurred.  Kept it from becoming a festering mess, I’m convinced of it.

Have a lovely day my friends.  I can’t believe my grandson is six today.  Happy Bearthday Harp.  Gram-ma B loves you to the moon and back, twice.

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