Regardless of the situation, no matter how hopeless the outcome may be, I will never quit, and I will never back down. I have become the wolf.

Posts tagged ‘maintaining’

The hamster is back on his wheel.


A couple of weeks ago I had an MRI on my upper back to see if my arthritis has gotten worse.  My anesthesiologist wanted me to have one done prior to giving me my next epidural.  Since it wasn’t my oncologist ordering the test I had to have it done at the regular hospital instead of the Cancer Center where I’m used to going.  So different techs, different radiologists reading the scans.  The anesthesiologist seemed satisfied and gave me my last epidural without any problems.

Last week, however, I went to my oncologist for my annual blood work and checkup.  He looked at the results of the MRI and told me they reported a spot on my right lung.  He’s not sure if this is a spot that has been there, as a result of my prior surgery and it’s just being seen by new eyes, or it’s something new and we need to be concerned again.

So, the hamster is back on the wheel.  The “what ifs” are flying around my tiny cranial cavity.

OK.  we have a CT scan scheduled for when I return from vacation and the oncologist a week later for the results.  So for two weeks this is going to prey on my mind.

Light a candle for me.

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So much going on, let’s catch up.


First of all, I hope your weekends were wonderful.  Full of new adventures and excitement.

This past week has flown by.  Between sleeping, doctors appointments, tests, sleeping, shopping and napping, I don’t know where the time went.  Wednesday I torched all morning till mom’s shows were over (about 2:00).  She does like her soaps.  Then I packed her up and took her to Hershey’s shoes to buy her a lighter pair of walking shoes.  I’ve been terrified that she was going to trip and fall over her old shoes, they weighed about 5 lbs a piece.  She was cute.  After she tried them on the salesman reached to remove them.  She stood up so fast I thought she would knock him over.  “Nope,” she said, “I’m wearing these “to go””.  And she almost skipped out of the store.  It was a beautiful day outside and the outing did us both good.  Getting out of the house is always a good thing.

Thursday Joe and I went on a mini holiday to the Toledo Zoo.  It a good compact zoo, lots to see, everything close together.  We both seem to remember it a lot nicer many years ago when we used to take the kids there.  But we had a nice day.  Took our time wandering the paths, taking pictures of the animals.

 

The weekend went by smoothly, got a lot of cleaning done.

Then around rolls Tuesday.  I had an early  Neurologist appointment who has just been kind of thrown into  my history.  He got the cliff notes.  So it could be one of many things, but the for-runners are carpel tunnel or a miss-fire in the mass of nerve endings where they leave the spinal column.  If that is the case it is causing Neuropathy and I don’t know what they can do for it.  All I know is that my arm constantly feels like it’s waking up and tingling.  I don’t even trust that hand to carry important things anymore.

Then I have Chemo.  Another new doctor.  This guy is really fun.  Older than dirt, knows nothing about you or your history.   Two hours later I’m finally hooked up to me meds and I’m just cranky.  I’m also starting to feel like a pincushion for a quilting club.

It’s late and it’s taken me many days to finish this post.  I’ve been in a cleaning frenzy that comes from stressing out.  Now I’m tired and I want to go to bed.  Hugs to you and to everyone you have contact with tomorrow.

Peace, Out.

Yesterday dawned clear and bright


The birds were singing the sun was shining.  Joe and I went out Monday and picked up some plants for the front flower bed.  Two years ago, I had him rip out a bunch of 20-year-old shrubs that were on their last legs anyway.  So it’s been pretty barren landscape wise.  Although one full quarter is blooming voraciously with things I put in last year.  And the sporadic hostas that got shoved in are doing well.  Even the peony that I thought wouldn’t make it has come back.

Now to get the back yard done.  And it all starts with a tarp.  I have my flowers for my pots, just can’t fill my pots yet cause they are being used as weights for the big black tarp.  We were gonna remove the tarp today, but of course, it rained all night so the tarp is again full of water.  Cant remove the tarp till the waters gone.  So, I’m gonna get that pump humming today.  I want to see beautiful blue water.  Not some black pit.

On the cancer front.  Went for chemo yesterday.  The oncologist said that my C/T scan was normal and showed no evidence of recurring cancers.  But since my thyroid is still swollen and he doesn’t know if it’s scar tissue from the radiation or something else so I’m off to the ENT to have that lovely scope threaded through my nose and down my throat. Yippee.  Oh and it’s almost time again for the GT twins, upper and lower.  Just to make sure there are no holes anywhere.  And, if I’m not mistaken it’s time to get squished and a visit to the lady doctor.  June is tune up month.  Even Oscar has his regular checkups in June.

Got some work done in my ETSY shop over the weekend.  Lots of new vessels listed.  If you like any, and yes, this is blatant advertising, but it’s my stuff so shut up, use coupon code VESSELS512.  It’s only good till the end of the month.  Here are some tempters.

 

My house is in chaos this morning


I have furniture in my kitchen where it so does not belong.  But….

My new carpet is being installed as I’m watching.  The tacky, ugly beige Berber carpet that came with the house will be no more.  I’m so excited.  Poor Oscar doesn’t know whether to shit or go blind.  Three strange men going in and out of the house at will and I’m just sitting, doing nothing.  He keeps running up to me and staring, like I should be stopping these men from taking his stinky carpet away.

I am so impressed with these guys so far.  Very polite and fast working.  They got here right on time and within a half hour they have everything torn up and the shop vac running to make sure there is nothing under the new carpet dirt wise.

I always thought the floor under the carpet was cement, but it’s actually peel and stick tile, and from the looks of it, several different boxes and colors were used.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Now that I’m looking at the size of the room, I’m thinking of turning this space into a “game room”.  I can see a pool table in here, with a race track that drops from the ceiling and a couple of pinball machines, a video game in the corner.  Yep, this room could rock as a game room.

Neon signs on the walls, door leading out to the deck and the pool.  I would take the table out of the breakfast nook and put some cozy chairs in here, get rid of the white picket fence between the rooms, I can see it now.  The perfect “Man cave”, adapted by a woman.  Now I can order my new blinds and curtains for the room.  I get to lose the dark blue mini blinds that were installed by the old owner and put some bright white ones in.  I wish I could resurface the brick fireplace wall with river rock.  It would add such a dimension to the room.

It looks so nice and  they’ve only just started to lay it down.  One nice big piece so there are no seams to deal with.

They are finished, the furniture moved back in and the room looks amazing.  I think we need to lose the paintings on the walls though.  I’m thinking of going with old sepia prints in old wood frames.  If I have to deal with paneling, I might as well make it work for me.  Now I have  to decide if I want to run errands for a while or just sit and enjoy my new carpet.

I know, I’ll run errands for a couple of hours then come home and nap.  It’s still early enough to sneak in a pedicure and some shopping before I crash for the day.

Have a marvelous week everyone.

The path of ones thoughts


I was dusting the family room earlier today and came acrossed a stack of postcards and letters that had yet to be put in my journal, so I gathered my “Journey” journal and started adding to it.  One of the cards was from a very dear woman, whom shall be known as R, who sent me such words of encouragement and joy.  We started e-mailing each other on a regular basis, just keeping up on each others lives.

So, also while I was dusting I unearthed a lovely book of prose printed on handmade paper.   The title caught my eye “The language of Courage and Inner Strength”, so I took a short break from my chores and sat down to see what was in it.  The poems were lovely and very thought-provoking and I started to wonder where I had gotten this tome from.  Usually if I receive a book as a gift, I will  note somewhere who I received it from and the date.  This book, nothing.  As I continued turning pages, wracking my feeble brain in an attempt to remember where this book came from, when a little slip of paper fluttered out.  Yep, it was from R.

So it really wasn’t hard to figure out who the book from Amazon.com came from today.  I had shared my excitement over a book I had read about a subject we are both interested in, so she sent me a book to further my studies.  I’m excited to read it.

I’m so blessed to have friends like her in my life.  People who care about you without needing something in return.  I’m so tired of being needed.  Wanted is one thing, being needed is another matter entirely.

Oh, good subject for tomorrow.  I’m off to bed.  Blessing to you all.

Dreams and such


I had a dream, more of a nightmare really, about my granddog Ellie last night.

Now I hardly ever remember my dreams, I believe that I rarely dream, so when I wake up with a vivid (potentially true) dream in my head I generally act on it.

So, I called C this as soon as I woke up and invited Ellie to spend the Holidays with us.  El is getting up in years and I don’t think that getting in and out of the car as many times as they plan to, with as many houses full of people that they plan to visit, would be good for her.  Our house is quiet, Oscar won’t mind company, and any chance of my dream occurring will be eliminated.

Wow, I think I coming back into being me.  What a good feeling.  The trip to Anns did more than I could have imagined.  I’m starting to think of others again instead of being focus on just me and my misery for so long.  Damn, talk about a lightbulb moment.  I’ve been so focused on myself lately it feels good to start thinking of others again.

So, tell me if I’m wrong about this?  I’m making M. a shawl for Christmas, this shawl has had many lives in the past year as I’ve torn it apart and remade and remade and remade trying to find just the right project for this spectacular yarn (silver with silver sequins).  I found this beautiful shawl pattern, adjusted for a big hook and started rocking.  I think it’s beautiful, but wasn’t sure if she would like it or wear it, so before I put another two weeks into something that will end up a dog bed, so I showed her.  Joe had a fit, but he doesn’t understand what it’s like to pour your time and heart into an item, gift it to someone, then never see it again.

Been getting some flack ‘caue I don’t post enough photo’s in my dailies.  So, this is Oscar.  He is my constant companion and bestest listener.

Oscar was a “throw-away” dog.  Someone found him running the streets and turned him into a kill shelter up north.  His time was almost up when I saw him on their website and had the foster group I volunteered with pull him so I could try to find him a home.

What a poor little thing he was.  He didn’t weigh more than 9 pounds, his nails were so overgrown he was walking on the tops of his nails.  His coat was so dirty I seriously thought he was a brown dog.  It took  five shampoos to get his hair and skin to normal color although it took about two months for the smell of burning hair to fade.  Don’t know where the smell came from, he wasn’t burnt, he just smelled like it.

I do believe that Os was used as a breeder for “designer dogs”.  He is a Chihuahua and Jack Russell mix and has a beautiful stance and lines, but he had absolutely no “house manners” for a four-year old dog.  No concept of potty training or table manners.  I have to admit he is the smartest dog I’ve ever had.  He picked up corrections so fast and learned so well.  When we go for walks I don’t even leash him any more.  There is no need.  I am so blessed that someone picked him for me.  Needless to say, Oscar did get adopted, by us.

Did you ever buy something online with a specific intent then when you get it, you completely change your mind about its use?  I recently purchased some silk ribbon with the intention of stringing some of my bigger beads on it for a different look.  Now that I have it, the textile worker is chiming in and thinking , I wonder what that would look like crocheted or knit into a scarf? and I wonder how big a scarf 25 yards of silk would make.  I keep staring at it.  I already have seven knit/crochet projects going now.  I can’t start another.  Yes, I said seven.  Two are blankets that I had to put away for the summer but can start on again, a couple of hats, a shawl, a scarf and two baby blankets a doll and several stuffed animals.  Yes I have ADD when it comes to my textiles, but I will finish them all in a timely manner, I just get bored doing the same stitch over and over.  By having many projects I can pick and choose what I want to work on that day. 

Ok, I’m off to start my day.  Putting up the tree today, Yeah!!  I’ll let you know how it turns out this year.  It’s never the same tree twice. 

Huggs to you all.  Find at least one thing to amaze you today.

B

The closer Tuesday gets…


The more my heart races.  I get my CT results on Tuesday.  I’m so terrified that someone is going to say, “Oops, guess that didn’t work”.  I really don’t want to do this again.  The first time was the most difficult thing I’ve ever lived through.  There were days that I made deals with myself against ending it.  It just hurt so bad.  imagine waking up every day for a year feeling like someone had beaten you with a baseball bat during the night.  You are powerless to stop it.  Nothing makes it better.

The second round was bad, but without the massive surgeries bad.  Nope this one I looked fine, walked fine, talked fine, and I think people had a hard time realizing how much I hurt on the inside.  The scar tissue has been aggravated by the chemo for the last three months.  My Neuropathy is coming back with a vengeance.  My hands go numb at the most inappropriate times.  Really feels weird when it feels like the left side of your face is sliding off.  I’m melting!!!!

I also get another “maintenance” round of chemo on Tues.  The first round knocked me on my ass for two weeks.  I’m just recovering my strength this week and I have to go again.  So not fair.  I do hope that as I get more used to it, my body will adjust and accommodate the chemo.  I really don’t want to sleep the next year away.

It’s Monday morning now.  Didn’t sleep for much last night.  Kept thinking of bad results or good results but with the anticipation of having to do this again, or no results, they screwed the test up, which has happened before.

I had actually forgotten that radiation keeps cooking you even after you stop receiving it.  Three weeks after getting my last treatment, the opening of my throat feels like its swollen shut to the size of a small straw opening.  Swallowing food is an adventure.  I never know if I’m actually going to swallow it or cough it back up.  Eating is always an adventure these days. 

So, I’m off to clean more beads so I can list them in my shop.  I might even try making shards today.  Haven’t made those in years.  I just love blowing glass up then letting it shatter.  I think perhaps I’ll do that first.  I can always clean beads.  I so need a studio helper.  A magical faery to clean beads, photograph and list.  Clean and dip mandrels.  Keep me organized so I can just torch. 

I did stumble over something disturbing yesterday though.  If you’ve ever seen the show “Toddlers in Tiara’s” (or Tods with Tits as I call it here) then you know it’s a beauty pageant for little girls.  They hochiefy these little girls to make them look like southern hooker on crack, then have them parade around and shake their asses in front of people.  Bad enough that they televised it so all the pedophiles can get off on princess barbies, but yesterday there was a “little mister” competition.  Yep, three boys, in full makeup and spray tan, shaking little baby booties on national tv  in booty shorts and sequined tops.  I guess I’m just upset by how many pervs are gonna get off on these little babies.  It’s so not fair to the babies to exploit them.

OK soapbox preaching is over for today.  Huggs to everyone.  Have a magical week.  I’m off to crochet a dragon.  Ask me how, if you dare.

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