Regardless of the situation, no matter how hopeless the outcome may be, I will never quit, and I will never back down. I have become the wolf.

Posts tagged ‘summer’

So tired, I feel like I’m 90


I don’t remember ever being this tired in my life.  I went to bed at 8:00 pm last night and didn’t move till 10:00am when the phone rang.  I never woke up, I never changed position.  From what I can tell all I did was sweat.  I woke up to wringing wet nightgown, with my hair dripping wet.  I slept soundly from what I can tell.  No bad dreams to remember.  Just exhausted.  I’m to tired to even fire up my torch.  I wonder how often I can get a B-12 shot?

I’ve been noticing lately how fat the squirrels and the chipmunks are getting.  I hope that doesn’t mean we have a storm heading our way.  I’m so ready for spring.  I can’t wait to unearth the beautiful blue pool that I know is lurking under that ugly black tarp.  The only thing it’s good for now is that the water trapped in the top offers a place for birds to bathe on sunny days and for the ducks to land and rest.  Which of course means that I have to deal with all the birdie poopie when we take the tarp off.  Can’t exactly throw a 20×40′ tarp in the laundry.

I just really want warm weather to get here.  I’m so tired of being cold already.

I had once blogged about my photo wall upstairs and how each of the old photo’s held a meaning to me.  My next photo is one containing my Grandma, Grandpa, my sister and myself.  Sister and me are dressed alike in homemade dresses, hers pink, mine blue.  I was three and she was five.  Grandpa taught me the hardest lesson I’d ever learned that day.  If you want to know, you have to ask.

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I hear danger theme music in my head (think Jaws)


After calling the oncologist for several days in a row trying to find out if they’ve received my pathology report yet.  I don’t like to bug them, but they say the squeaky wheel gets the oil, so I’ve been calling to check.  I know how easy it is to overlook one piece of paper.

So, tomorrow at 4:00 we trip off to Dr. Margolis’s office to see if I get to start Tarceva or if I am to stay on Alimta.

It’s time to face facts that cancer is not going to go away.  It will be with me till the end, it will probably finish me in time.  All I can do is deal with it one day at a time.  I have fought this fight for so long now.  There are so many days when the burdens are so heavy, all I can do is sleep.

Except at night.  I have become a voracious night eater.  Not “real” food, but junk food.  Peanut butter crackers, jello, fruit and pudding in little plastic cups, instant mac and cheese (yep, the unnatural yellow stuff) and oatmeal are them most frequently noshed upon.  I’m usually up at 2 and chowing down, then I go back to sleep.  More strange patterns to get used to.

I can’t wait for spring.  I want my backyard back.  My yard is my oasis in the summer.  Now that I have a new pool heater, the water will be nice all day, every day.

Back to thinking positive thoughts and walking on sunshine.  The longer I whip myself, the worse I get.  I need to get out of the house. Maybe tomorrow.

For now, have a great night.  Don’t let the bastards win, whatever you do.

Ever throw a party…..


And it absolutely Rocked!

And a HUGE shout out to everyone who came and helped and made me feel special (and not the short bus kind either). You guys really made me feel part of a family not just part of the family.

Now that the secret is out, we threw a surprise 60th birthday party for my husband yesterday. For the longest time I wasn’t sure if I could handle a party but I’ve been feeling pretty good lately, so early in the week I put the word out that it was on and OMG, everyone I called, took over. It was wonderful. The house was packed with friends and family. We all worked so hard to surprise him. Thanks M and C for helping with the deception, I owe you guys big time. He had no clue till they pulled in the driveway.

I went to bed so tired, but it was the best kind of tired. Hugs abounded and the fairies were out in abundance. Every time I turned around, things were done. I love my fairies. When the last person left, and I looked around, all was clean, put away, stored till next party. Dishes washed, garbage out. It looked like I’d had 2 people over instead of over 40. I Love you my friends.

It felt kind of odd being treated as a sick person in your own home, but every time I tried to do something, I would be physically, painfully reminded that I am a sick person (I refuse to use the word invalid. ‘Cause invalid and invalid are spelled the same, they don’t mean the same) and the task would be taken out of my hands with a loving rejoinder to go sit and talk. I’ve never done that at a party before. I’m always the one running around making sure every thing was done. What a blessing to be able to relax.

I also put the word out that I want my home ringing with laughter this summer. I want the pool to be used, and the yard to ring with laughter. Last time I was ill was the same year the pool collapsed. So not only was I dealing with chemo and radiation. I had a huge mud hole in my backyard for four months. Not a time for friends and laughter. Besides, If there are people, there will be food, and I will eat. And anything to take my mind off of life……..

So, if you didn’t get the word, here it is. Come on over. Bring the kids, your suits, towels, pool toys, sunscreen and whatever you want to drink and come on over. I can’t guarantee brilliant conversation, but I can promise laughter and hugs and a place to hang out. And if you’re from out-of-town, call and I’ll have a room ready. If it’s a good day, we’ll even go sightseeing (or at least to the dog park 🙂 )

It’s gonna be another good day today. Early dinner with my baby, then Rod Stewart and Stevie Nicks at JLA. I can’t wait. Then Joe has Mon. off to recover from the concert.

I off to bed again. Need to rest up for tonight.

Huggs to you all. Have a blessed day.

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