Regardless of the situation, no matter how hopeless the outcome may be, I will never quit, and I will never back down. I have become the wolf.

Posts tagged ‘terror’

Another Tequila Sunrise……


I’m home.  Sweeter words have never been spoken.  It’s nice to be surrounded by all that is familiar and loved.  I woke up this morning with Mo curled up in the crook of my neck and Oscar stretched out along my side with his head on my shoulder.  I adore my guys, they are so “brothers from another mother”.    Oh, and on the wild and bazaar side, one of my friends e-mailed me to let me know that she had adopted a shelter dog (I’m so proud).  Imagine my surprise when she sent me a picture of Mo.  When I asked her she said that this little girl just called out to their hearts.  Now she has never seen or met Mo.  Her dog is Chi/Pom just like Mo.  Same markings, colors, eyes, age, underbite….  How strangely odd are we.  She and I have thought alike for 15 years.  It just shows to go ya.

I hear mom walking around upstairs.  She’s such an intense little lady.  I love having her here with us.  She reminds me of the blue faerie from Cinderella.  Always flitting from hither to yon and making much ado about nothing.

I did have a minor  meltdown at the hospital yesterday.  I’m not proud of it, but it happened and I’ll own it.  I basically threw a good old three-year-olds temper tantrum.  The Doctors aid came in at around 9:30 am to check up on me.  Was I eating? drinking? going potty adequately?  When I answered yes to all of the above he told me that there was no reason to keep me, and I should be released by noon.  Yippee!!  Noon is a workable goal.  If you tell me noon, then I look forward to noon.  Now, 10 rolls around, no doctor.  11, 12, no doctor.  No-one to sign me out.  So by 12:30 my anxiety and my absolute need to get as far away from hospital smells as humanly possible took over and I had a brain fart.  I wanted someone there NOW and I wasn’t taking no for an answer.  I wasn’t waiting another minute, I was dressed and by 1:30 I was walking out the door come hell or high water.  Even whipped out the ADA card (against doctors advisement) for checking myself out.  Joe even went so far as to contact a patient advocate to try to get me out.  I don’t do stress well, and I do confinement against my wishes even less well.  So, by 1:30 I was on my way home.  When I get on my soapbox, things move.

Off to nap.  I hope everyone had an amazing day full of wonders and laughter.

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So, did the biopsy thing this morning.


If there is a level of fear below scared shitless, I’m there. 

Apparently when the surgeon found a “really promising” gland and cut into my neck, there was a tumor attached to the gland.  Really not a good sign for someone with a cancer history.  She was able to remove it and send it in for tests, but I have to wait till Wednesday for results.  Then on Thursday I see the oncologist to find out what kind, what stage, where it’s at….  So, pins and needles till then.

The good news is that I’m sporting another rockin’ star on my neck that is about an inch long.  Right in front, above the collarbone.  I get to scare little children for another year till it starts to fade.  Yeah, yeah, quit bitching about a little scar, others have it worse than you.  I allow myself to vent once, play the pity party for 10 minutes then I pull up my big girl pants and get on with it.

Joe did agree to let me go ahead and get another tatoo.  I just need to find a local artist who does amazing dragons.  I have always had an affinity with dragons, and have felt many times to be protected by them.  I have had the same dragon in every car I’ve owned.  He’s been with me for 30 years and he watches out for me.  So, I’m getting a dragon on my left front thigh.  I have a tremendous urge to get it done quickly.  I’ve been dreaming of a dragon for the past several nights, so I know what I want it to look like.  Lots of reds and yellows and orange, really scaly and fierce.  Lots of fire and teeth.  I need a fighter.

OK, I’m off to bed.  I think I’ll take a pain med and zone.  Night all.

Why…


…can I train a dog, but can’t teach my husband to wring out a washcloth?

…do I try so hard to maintain friendships?

…do I pee when I sneeze?

… am I unable to focus?

…do I miss my family so much?

…am I so afraid to try?

…do I allow myself to live in constant terror of cancer returning?

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