Regardless of the situation, no matter how hopeless the outcome may be, I will never quit, and I will never back down. I have become the wolf.

Posts tagged ‘Dragon’

Once again, facing the dragon.


I am a fearless wonder.

I am source of strength for many people.

I am amazing.

I am good-hearted.

I slay dragons in my spare time.

I have defeated things that have crushed others.

I am socially awkward.

I can accomplish things that others can only imagine.

I feel that I have no purpose.

I am mostly sad.

I am blessed to have so many people who care for me.

I think I have done enough in my life to qualify it as an “adventure”.

I am constantly amused by my dog.

I have to go get chemo now.

I am afraid.

 

Where do the Mondays go


Are they all in some black hole somewhere waiting to ambush me all at once?  The reason I ask is that Mondays are always such a blur in my mind.  I think it’s because I exspend so much mental and physical energy on the weekends to appear “normal” to friends and family.   I tried being myself for a while, but discovered that people who only see you every few months are uncomfortable with the me from now.  So I pretend for everyone that I’m fine.  Joe, I can be myself with.  He knows that right now I’m over-the-top emotional and he’s dealing with having a weeping windbag for a wife.  Anyway, once again Monday disappeared again.

I do know it was our Anniversary, we went to Max and Erma’s to celebrate (French onion soup, yummo).  I know I took Oscar and Pookie for a walk, went to the dentist, went to the doctor, went to the bank, the drugstore, the hardware store and the corner store.  But I really don’t know where the rest of the day went.  It just kinda vanished.  Oh, I also finished my dragon and he is Fierce! 

  

 

 

 

Sunday was a lovely day.  Went to church with Tito and Mary.  Fr. Tom did a wonderful service, as usual.  After mass they had a beautiful luncheon in the hall for everyone.  Tons of food and raffles and music.  It was really nice.  Mark came by to watch the game and hang with Joe.  He brought me the most beautiful Orchid.  The way to a mans heart may be his stomach, mines is through Orchids.  For the past 6 years, I’ve celebrated landmarks with Orchids.  I have quite the collection started.  This is the one that Mark brought over.  It’s purple speckled with a tinge of orange on the edges of the leaves.

 

 

 

 

 

Mel also stopped by and they took me out to dinner to celebrate my recovery.  She gave me the most delicate Lotus flower pendant.

 They are both very special people and I am so proud of them.  You guys have no idea how much these meant to me.  I’m very touched.

 

 

Oh, funny story: 

I collect Willow Tree figurines.  They are beautifully simplistic and each one has a deep meaning.  I think my collection started when a dear friend gave me the “angel of hope” when I was first diagnosed in 2006.  I know who I got each one from and what the occasion was.  Anyway, for Sweetest day, Joe gives me another statue for my collection.  As soon as I read the name of the piece on the box I just started to smile.  I opened the box and nestled inside is a figure of a woman, arms outspread, with three blue birds perched on her arms.  When he asked why I was smiling, I walked him into the living room where I proudly placed the new statue right next to her twin.  The one he had given me in 2007 when I went into remission.  That the same statue would strike the same chord with the same meaning four years apart is amazing.

I hope you all have wonderful days today, full of joy and blessings.  I’m off to finish decorating the house.  Tis the season, dontcha know?  Fly straight everyone.

 

The closer Tuesday gets…


The more my heart races.  I get my CT results on Tuesday.  I’m so terrified that someone is going to say, “Oops, guess that didn’t work”.  I really don’t want to do this again.  The first time was the most difficult thing I’ve ever lived through.  There were days that I made deals with myself against ending it.  It just hurt so bad.  imagine waking up every day for a year feeling like someone had beaten you with a baseball bat during the night.  You are powerless to stop it.  Nothing makes it better.

The second round was bad, but without the massive surgeries bad.  Nope this one I looked fine, walked fine, talked fine, and I think people had a hard time realizing how much I hurt on the inside.  The scar tissue has been aggravated by the chemo for the last three months.  My Neuropathy is coming back with a vengeance.  My hands go numb at the most inappropriate times.  Really feels weird when it feels like the left side of your face is sliding off.  I’m melting!!!!

I also get another “maintenance” round of chemo on Tues.  The first round knocked me on my ass for two weeks.  I’m just recovering my strength this week and I have to go again.  So not fair.  I do hope that as I get more used to it, my body will adjust and accommodate the chemo.  I really don’t want to sleep the next year away.

It’s Monday morning now.  Didn’t sleep for much last night.  Kept thinking of bad results or good results but with the anticipation of having to do this again, or no results, they screwed the test up, which has happened before.

I had actually forgotten that radiation keeps cooking you even after you stop receiving it.  Three weeks after getting my last treatment, the opening of my throat feels like its swollen shut to the size of a small straw opening.  Swallowing food is an adventure.  I never know if I’m actually going to swallow it or cough it back up.  Eating is always an adventure these days. 

So, I’m off to clean more beads so I can list them in my shop.  I might even try making shards today.  Haven’t made those in years.  I just love blowing glass up then letting it shatter.  I think perhaps I’ll do that first.  I can always clean beads.  I so need a studio helper.  A magical faery to clean beads, photograph and list.  Clean and dip mandrels.  Keep me organized so I can just torch. 

I did stumble over something disturbing yesterday though.  If you’ve ever seen the show “Toddlers in Tiara’s” (or Tods with Tits as I call it here) then you know it’s a beauty pageant for little girls.  They hochiefy these little girls to make them look like southern hooker on crack, then have them parade around and shake their asses in front of people.  Bad enough that they televised it so all the pedophiles can get off on princess barbies, but yesterday there was a “little mister” competition.  Yep, three boys, in full makeup and spray tan, shaking little baby booties on national tv  in booty shorts and sequined tops.  I guess I’m just upset by how many pervs are gonna get off on these little babies.  It’s so not fair to the babies to exploit them.

OK soapbox preaching is over for today.  Huggs to everyone.  Have a magical week.  I’m off to crochet a dragon.  Ask me how, if you dare.

I would rather ask for forgiveness…..


Than to beg for permission.

My doctors are going to be so pissed that I went ahead with my tattoo, but I really don’t care.

I’m generally more of an admirer of the Japanese “snake” dragon, since they have the wings, but during my research I discovered that while the Japanese dragon looks more fierce, he is actually battling on the side of evil whereas the Chinese dragon battles to protect innocents.  The pearl represents the cancer cells I want need him to help chase away.   A huge “shout out” to Johnny D. at Cherokee Creek Tattoos for the excellent work.  Now to sneak out tomorrow to get my next two.  These will be quick and tiny.  I want two stars above my heart.  Just tiny stars, no outlines, uneven edges, one blue, one pink.  And anyone who has to ask what they are for, doesn’t know me.  Maybe I’ll get them today. 

I’ve made the decision that this is my life, and for as little, or as much time as I have left, I’m living it my way.  That means I can’t wait for people to “catch up” to me.  My husband is committed to hanging in and out with whatever I choose.   I’ve started compiling a list of things I have to do in 2011.  If anyone wants to help me out and come along for the ride, call me.  Any suggestions of things to do will be appreciated.  

I know what’s coming and I’m not afraid (big lie, I’m terrified but will never admit it). It will end one of two ways. I feel like I’m sitting in the middle of a poker hand, the stakes are my life, and I’m not allowed to see my cards till Thursday.  Oh well, all paths lead to the same end and the ride is what you make it. 

Tomorrow at 2:30 I get the biopsy results.  Keep me in your thoughts and prayers.  Send white light, burn incense, chant, rant, whatever your personal choice is.  Just think of me occasionally.

Made the appointment for my new tat…


Monday at 2:30 but it’s worth the wait.  I’m so glad that Joe understands.  I might be able to still get it today, the artist is going to call me when/if his schedule clears.

I found the most amazing picture that portrays everything I need.  It’s a beautiful red/yellow/orange Chinese style dragon who is shooting flames at a floating pearl.  I so can’t wait.  I need my protection.

So, did the biopsy thing this morning.


If there is a level of fear below scared shitless, I’m there. 

Apparently when the surgeon found a “really promising” gland and cut into my neck, there was a tumor attached to the gland.  Really not a good sign for someone with a cancer history.  She was able to remove it and send it in for tests, but I have to wait till Wednesday for results.  Then on Thursday I see the oncologist to find out what kind, what stage, where it’s at….  So, pins and needles till then.

The good news is that I’m sporting another rockin’ star on my neck that is about an inch long.  Right in front, above the collarbone.  I get to scare little children for another year till it starts to fade.  Yeah, yeah, quit bitching about a little scar, others have it worse than you.  I allow myself to vent once, play the pity party for 10 minutes then I pull up my big girl pants and get on with it.

Joe did agree to let me go ahead and get another tatoo.  I just need to find a local artist who does amazing dragons.  I have always had an affinity with dragons, and have felt many times to be protected by them.  I have had the same dragon in every car I’ve owned.  He’s been with me for 30 years and he watches out for me.  So, I’m getting a dragon on my left front thigh.  I have a tremendous urge to get it done quickly.  I’ve been dreaming of a dragon for the past several nights, so I know what I want it to look like.  Lots of reds and yellows and orange, really scaly and fierce.  Lots of fire and teeth.  I need a fighter.

OK, I’m off to bed.  I think I’ll take a pain med and zone.  Night all.

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