Regardless of the situation, no matter how hopeless the outcome may be, I will never quit, and I will never back down. I have become the wolf.

Posts tagged ‘cold’

It’s another Tuesday in MI.


I’ve been doing nothing but sleep for the last three days.  I feel like a wet noodle most of the time.  All I do is sleep, stare at the tv and go to doctors appointments.  I have such a feeling of dread hanging over me it’s a wonder I can get up.  If I didn’t have to puke in the morning, I wouldn’t bother getting out of bed.

I hate waiting for biopsy results.  The dread of facing the third time around is serious business.  I really don’t know if I have the power to fight again.

I swear, our house has the worst heating/cooling system in the world.  I have sweaters, t-shirts, sweats and shorts strategically placed throughout the house.  So I can change clothes from room to room.  Our bedroom, which is at the end of the duct run is the worse room in the house.  It’s temperature is in direct polar alignment with the temp outside.  In the summer, we swelter and in the winter we freeze.   Even on the first floor, the dining and living room are nice and comfortable but the kitchen, family room and bath are freezing. I could conceivably hang beef in my basement it’s so cold right now.  Oscar won’t even come down unless I put a sweater on him, and he goes everywhere I do.

Off to make fish taco’s for dinner.  I hope mom likes it.

Thanks for giving me a place to rant.

Here for the amusement of the Gods


I swear that’s all I’m here for anymore.  To keep them entertained.  They gave me four wonderful days last week.  Then struck me down this week with three days of sleeping and feeling all around crappy.  I’m so cold right now.  Deep into the bone cold.  The kind of cold that only chemo patients know.

Nothing in the house is getting done.  The laundry is piling up, Joe ran the vacuum today for me.  I didn’t even wake up till 11:30 this morning and have slept all day in my chair.  I’d rather sleep in the bed, but then Oscar couldn’t snuggle with me.  I do wish he was less Jack Russell and more Chi in the way he cuddles.  It has to be on his terms.  He’d rather sit alone on the stairs than to spend time with humans.  When he needs us, he knows where we are.  There are days when I really miss Mo.  Sure he was a nippy little shit, but he loved me.  He was a cuddle bum.  Anywhere, anytime.  If you sat down, he was in your lap, smiling like he’d just won the Irish lottery.  If I wouldn’t have been so sick at the time, I would have fought harder to keep him.  At the time, I felt that I had done all I could, I knew he was a great little dog for the right people.  I just can’t stand the fact that after a year, he is still in a foster home waiting adoption.  About once a month I check and my heart tears a little more when I see he’s still out there, waiting for a forever home.   I should have kept him.  I’m such a dumbass sometimes.

Well, I can tell I’m not feeling well.  I’m getting all maudlin about a dog I gave up, but man, I still miss that little face.

I think I’m going to get some toast and jam then take a hot bath.  I’m almost ready to call it a night (day/night).  My spine hurts so bad.  I sit with tears running down my face most days.  I can’t stop them.  I just deal with them.

Good night everyone, may the stars shine down brightly wherever you are.

B

They never tell you about the cold.


My oncologist has warned me about many side effects of the Alitma that I’m on.  The one he never me mentioned is the decreasing circulation in my hands and feet.  For the past three weeks my feet feel like they have been encased in ice.  Now the average person would say, “well, just put socks on”.  While this would be an ideal solution in an ideal world, I don’t live in an ideal world and while my feet are busy freezing they are also sweating profusely.  So much so that in a matter of a half hour my socks are damp, which makes the cold feel worse.  So I take the socks off and they just get cold again.  It’s a vicious circle.

My hands are so cold most times that it’s hard to pick up or carry things.  My joints get so cold that they lock up.  If I’m sitting still, I’m either knitting or crocheting, just to keep my hands in motion and active.  I can’t wait for it to get warm again so I can handle things that have been warmed by the sun.  It’s gotten so cold here for the past week.  Cold and damp.  Not so good for someone with achy bones.  I did take a nice hot bath last night and that seemed to help me sleep last night.  Maybe I take another one tonight, this time with some lavender to really knock me out.

I’m off for my afternoon nap now.  Have a great day everyone.  Stay warm.

Saturday afternoon and I’m still standing


The prickly sensations in my arms and legs are still there.  Luckily, the broken glass feelings in my major joints is receding.  No nausea or vomiting yet (knock wood).   Still can’t sleep.  Had to take a second Vicodin last night to help me fall asleep.  The tingling/prickly sensation gets worse when you try to be still.  Almost like low voltage electricity constantly coursing through you.

I can tell my lungs are filling up.  I’m coughing more than usual, and it’s not productive.  Hopefully when I start moving around more today it will break up.

I’m off to get breakfast and to start my day.

1:30 in the afternoon and I’m freezing.  The kind of bone chilling cold that only another chemo patient would understand.  No fevers yet, so that’s a good thing.  Just so cold.  Starting to get a bit of a headache, but don’t know if it’s from lack of sleep or just a headache.  It’s so hard to tell anymore what is a normal part of everyday and what is chemo induced.

But, Joe is taking me out to dinner and a show tonight, so I need to pick myself up and get ready.  Tomorrow I can fall on my sword, but for tonight……..

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