Regardless of the situation, no matter how hopeless the outcome may be, I will never quit, and I will never back down. I have become the wolf.

Posts tagged ‘depressed’

The hamster is back on his wheel.


A couple of weeks ago I had an MRI on my upper back to see if my arthritis has gotten worse.  My anesthesiologist wanted me to have one done prior to giving me my next epidural.  Since it wasn’t my oncologist ordering the test I had to have it done at the regular hospital instead of the Cancer Center where I’m used to going.  So different techs, different radiologists reading the scans.  The anesthesiologist seemed satisfied and gave me my last epidural without any problems.

Last week, however, I went to my oncologist for my annual blood work and checkup.  He looked at the results of the MRI and told me they reported a spot on my right lung.  He’s not sure if this is a spot that has been there, as a result of my prior surgery and it’s just being seen by new eyes, or it’s something new and we need to be concerned again.

So, the hamster is back on the wheel.  The “what ifs” are flying around my tiny cranial cavity.

OK.  we have a CT scan scheduled for when I return from vacation and the oncologist a week later for the results.  So for two weeks this is going to prey on my mind.

Light a candle for me.

There are many words that roll off your tongue…


Words like: Cupola, Pergola, Begonia, and Ennui.

en·nui

[ahn-wee, ahn-wee; French ahn-nwee]  Show IPA

noun

a feeling of utter weariness and discontent resulting from satiety or lack of interest; boredom

 

I’ve been feeling this nagging sense of ennui for the past two weeks.  Ever since I burned my hand torching last Tuesday and I haven’t been able to play with flame or to do much at all.  In case I forgot to tell you guys or update my blog lately, but I put my hand into my torch last Tuesday.   No, it wasn’t some tribal ritual, or ancient rite of passage, just me torching and not keeping focused on the flame.  It was almost as if I forgot the flame was there and stuck my hand right into it.  I got the base of my right thumb pretty badly.  It didn’t even blister, just kinda cooked in one spot.  New skin is finally coming in, but it still smarts.

I am so tired of this period between winter and spring, it’s too cold to go outside, but everything is blooming and the snow is almost gone, but what’s left is a mud puddle.

At least the gardening catalogs are coming in on schedule.  I’m hoping to put in a few raised beds this year so I can garden more.  My five-year plan is to have a “no-mow” yard with the pool and the gazebo (another good word) and plants and flowers everywhere else.  I would love to naturalize with easy to care for indigenous plantings.  Lots of Bee balm and butterfly bushes, but tons of veggies too.  Enough to can and put up for next winter.  I love canning fresh  foods.

I’m off now to soak my hand.  It’s a good thing that I went to the lavender festival last fall, and it’s a really good thing that I got ambitious and made lavender oil last month, and it was even  more advantageous that the finished bottle of lavender oil was in the basement when the burn occurred.  Kept it from becoming a festering mess, I’m convinced of it.

Have a lovely day my friends.  I can’t believe my grandson is six today.  Happy Bearthday Harp.  Gram-ma B loves you to the moon and back, twice.

It’s another Tuesday in MI.


I’ve been doing nothing but sleep for the last three days.  I feel like a wet noodle most of the time.  All I do is sleep, stare at the tv and go to doctors appointments.  I have such a feeling of dread hanging over me it’s a wonder I can get up.  If I didn’t have to puke in the morning, I wouldn’t bother getting out of bed.

I hate waiting for biopsy results.  The dread of facing the third time around is serious business.  I really don’t know if I have the power to fight again.

I swear, our house has the worst heating/cooling system in the world.  I have sweaters, t-shirts, sweats and shorts strategically placed throughout the house.  So I can change clothes from room to room.  Our bedroom, which is at the end of the duct run is the worse room in the house.  It’s temperature is in direct polar alignment with the temp outside.  In the summer, we swelter and in the winter we freeze.   Even on the first floor, the dining and living room are nice and comfortable but the kitchen, family room and bath are freezing. I could conceivably hang beef in my basement it’s so cold right now.  Oscar won’t even come down unless I put a sweater on him, and he goes everywhere I do.

Off to make fish taco’s for dinner.  I hope mom likes it.

Thanks for giving me a place to rant.

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