Regardless of the situation, no matter how hopeless the outcome may be, I will never quit, and I will never back down. I have become the wolf.

Posts tagged ‘depressed’

The hamster is back on his wheel.


A couple of weeks ago I had an MRI on my upper back to see if my arthritis has gotten worse.  My anesthesiologist wanted me to have one done prior to giving me my next epidural.  Since it wasn’t my oncologist ordering the test I had to have it done at the regular hospital instead of the Cancer Center where I’m used to going.  So different techs, different radiologists reading the scans.  The anesthesiologist seemed satisfied and gave me my last epidural without any problems.

Last week, however, I went to my oncologist for my annual blood work and checkup.  He looked at the results of the MRI and told me they reported a spot on my right lung.  He’s not sure if this is a spot that has been there, as a result of my prior surgery and it’s just being seen by new eyes, or it’s something new and we need to be concerned again.

So, the hamster is back on the wheel.  The “what ifs” are flying around my tiny cranial cavity.

OK.  we have a CT scan scheduled for when I return from vacation and the oncologist a week later for the results.  So for two weeks this is going to prey on my mind.

Light a candle for me.

There are many words that roll off your tongue…


Words like: Cupola, Pergola, Begonia, and Ennui.

en·nui

[ahn-wee, ahn-wee; French ahn-nwee]  Show IPA

noun

a feeling of utter weariness and discontent resulting from satiety or lack of interest; boredom

 

I’ve been feeling this nagging sense of ennui for the past two weeks.  Ever since I burned my hand torching last Tuesday and I haven’t been able to play with flame or to do much at all.  In case I forgot to tell you guys or update my blog lately, but I put my hand into my torch last Tuesday.   No, it wasn’t some tribal ritual, or ancient rite of passage, just me torching and not keeping focused on the flame.  It was almost as if I forgot the flame was there and stuck my hand right into it.  I got the base of my right thumb pretty badly.  It didn’t even blister, just kinda cooked in one spot.  New skin is finally coming in, but it still smarts.

I am so tired of this period between winter and spring, it’s too cold to go outside, but everything is blooming and the snow is almost gone, but what’s left is a mud puddle.

At least the gardening catalogs are coming in on schedule.  I’m hoping to put in a few raised beds this year so I can garden more.  My five-year plan is to have a “no-mow” yard with the pool and the gazebo (another good word) and plants and flowers everywhere else.  I would love to naturalize with easy to care for indigenous plantings.  Lots of Bee balm and butterfly bushes, but tons of veggies too.  Enough to can and put up for next winter.  I love canning fresh  foods.

I’m off now to soak my hand.  It’s a good thing that I went to the lavender festival last fall, and it’s a really good thing that I got ambitious and made lavender oil last month, and it was even  more advantageous that the finished bottle of lavender oil was in the basement when the burn occurred.  Kept it from becoming a festering mess, I’m convinced of it.

Have a lovely day my friends.  I can’t believe my grandson is six today.  Happy Bearthday Harp.  Gram-ma B loves you to the moon and back, twice.

It’s another Tuesday in MI.


I’ve been doing nothing but sleep for the last three days.  I feel like a wet noodle most of the time.  All I do is sleep, stare at the tv and go to doctors appointments.  I have such a feeling of dread hanging over me it’s a wonder I can get up.  If I didn’t have to puke in the morning, I wouldn’t bother getting out of bed.

I hate waiting for biopsy results.  The dread of facing the third time around is serious business.  I really don’t know if I have the power to fight again.

I swear, our house has the worst heating/cooling system in the world.  I have sweaters, t-shirts, sweats and shorts strategically placed throughout the house.  So I can change clothes from room to room.  Our bedroom, which is at the end of the duct run is the worse room in the house.  It’s temperature is in direct polar alignment with the temp outside.  In the summer, we swelter and in the winter we freeze.   Even on the first floor, the dining and living room are nice and comfortable but the kitchen, family room and bath are freezing. I could conceivably hang beef in my basement it’s so cold right now.  Oscar won’t even come down unless I put a sweater on him, and he goes everywhere I do.

Off to make fish taco’s for dinner.  I hope mom likes it.

Thanks for giving me a place to rant.

They say what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger


and that patience is a virtue, and good things come to those who wait.

Whoever “they” are, haven’t had to deal with doctors returning calls or getting test results back to find out if you are going to have to go to war once again.  That’s how I see battling cancer.  Going to war, armed with a pea-shooter and a roll of toilet paper.    I still have heard nothing about my results.  I really don’t want to wait till next Thursday to find out.  I find myself returning to self-mutilation when I’m stressed and I keep catching myself.

When I was young I was a cutter.  The feet were always a good place to cut cause you could hide them easily.  Broken glass and boyfriends names all done in a drunken stupor in my friends basements or at the playground.  I’ve gotten away from the open bleeding wounds, now I do it on a small-scale.  Like tearing the skin off from around my nails.  Or cutting my toenails till they bleed (the main reason for pedicures for me.  Stops me from doing that.)  Sometimes I catch myself sticking pins in my fingers to see how long I can stand it.  I am aware that I’m doing it.  And I am making every effort to stop doing it.  Stress adds to it.  And I’m about stressed to the max.

Really itching to get some backyard work done today.  Once the yard gets a bit warmer and drier.  We’ve had bad storms the past three nights that have really torn things up.  The weeds love it though.

I think I’ll take Oscar for a long walk today.  It’s kinda nice out 60 degrees or so.  Poor Joe can’t keep up with us anymore.  His knee tires him out after half a block.  Have to get Oz some exercise.  We are headed for Columbus to see C and L and the kids.  It seems like forever since I’ve seen them.  It’s supposed to be a nice weekend with rain on Sunday which is our return home day so that works.  Hopefully it will be nice enough to sit outside by the fire with hotdogs and a cold beer.  I so need this.  Traveling is hard, but the treasure at the end of the journey is worth it.  And Oscar loves playing with Ellie.

I’m off now to ponder the universe that exists only in my own bellybutton.  Have a great weekend everyone.  I hope the sun shines on all your picnics.

B

Had a kind of me day today.


I’m nervously waiting for the results of my last C/T scan.  My nails are chewed to a nub.  I have the attention span of a three-day old puppy.  I so don’t want this back, and what if it’s like last time where the tumor didn’t show on the C/T but was found “accidentally” during a biopsy.  Guess it’s the one time a doctors accident actually benefited me.

I was talking to C the other day on the phone and it dawned on me that in the past 5 years I’ve had 9 major surgeries.  By major, I mean they put you under, make an incision and either put something in, but usually take parts out.  Another biopsy to my neck will really make me look like a slasher victim.  Kids already look at me funny.  My neck is the color of nicely cooked turkey, from the radiation, and the scars stand out like white lines.

Anyway, had a kind of spoil me day, again.  Joe wanted to look for furniture for his office, so we went to a couple of furniture stores, then to Joannes’ for a skirt pattern for me.  (I picked up the coolest material).  Then got my hair trim and my toes pedicured.  I now have bright purple toesies.

I am really learning to love my new iPad.  I’m sure that once the newness wears off, it won’t be so much of a time suck, but for now, I’m having fun playing and learning.  Can’t use it to update here though.  It doesn’t upload photo’s easily and I haven’t figured out how to include photo’s in posts and stuff.  I’m working on it.

I’m calling it a night.  Anyone want to send some white light and hugs for tomorrows results, all will be used whole heartedly.

Having a crappy day today.


I feel like I’ve been hit by a truck today.  Throwing up all day is no fun.  I’m having a steroid headache and my attitude sucks.

I really need to eat something.  Thank god for Joe.  He’s going to stop at Kirby’s coney to pick me up a tuna pita.  For some reason it’s what I crave.

For some reason the enter key just fell off my laptop and my other keys are acting like the alt button has been pushed.  This thing is wacked.  I need to do a cosmic clean out of my hard drive.  I don’t know how to fix the keys though.  Losing the enter key sucks.

I’m getting really frustrated and just need to take a nap and relax.  I hope every one has a better day than I’m having.

I can tell it’s getting to be Tuesday again


Every third Tuesday I get to drive in for them to dump poison in my veins to counteract the farking little cancer bullies that are racing around kicking the shit out of my Red and white blood cells.  My last platelet count was down to 450.  Not so very good.  But I’m working on it.  Lots of red beats and green beans and red cabbage.

Made a really good dish in the crock pot the other day.  Joe has been eating it for days, and I haven’t had to cook.  Basically you drain a package of sauerkraut and rinse well with water.  Place kraut in a hot pan with melted butter to brown it a little.  Remove Kraut to the crock pot.  Cook down two packages of mushrooms and one med onion till just tender.  Mix it in with the kraut.  Open 2/3 cans of whole potatoes and toss those in there.  About a palm full of caraway seed and you are set.  Mix everything throughly, add a 1/2 cup of water and set aside.  Open a package of country ribs and rinse, pat dry.  Season with Mrs. Dash.  Heat oil in a pan till just sizzling.  Carefully place the ribs in the pan and brown them on each side.  When ribs are brown, put on top of the kraut mixture, cover and put in fridge overnight.

In the morning, slice 1-2 apples and spread them over the pork.  Put the crock pot on high for 4 hours then drop to low for another 3.  Do not lift cover.

The pork fell off the bone and the kraut was wonderful with the flavors of the mushrooms and caraway seed.  I think that cooking really great food is an art and I just haven’t been very artistic in the past few years.  But, spring is here.  DH is home and he is feeding me energy just by being home and doing his “guy stuff”.  I am noticing that my backyard things are slowly appearing from wherever they were stashed for the winter.  I need to start bring my own stuff up, but have to wait till the pool cover get’s removed.  My stuff get’s in the way of the big tarp.

I think I’ll make some flour tortillas for breakfast tomorrow.  A little chorizo and eggs and potatoes.  Make Joe happy.  Then tomorrow the church debate will continue.  Oh well, if life wasn’t a constant series of challenges we’d have a shitload of Homer Simpsons to deal with.

Think of me on Tuesday.

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