Regardless of the situation, no matter how hopeless the outcome may be, I will never quit, and I will never back down. I have become the wolf.

Posts tagged ‘sunshine’

Someone slap me so I can sleep.


It’s been weeks.  I’m up all night, then sleep all day.  Or I sleep all night and nap all day.  I don’t know if it’s the weather or my medications interacting or what but I can’t seem to catch enough sleep.  I’m getting nothing done and am feeling the major guilt of leaving everything for everyone else to do.  Day  before yesterday I slept till 2:30 in the afternoon and I was back in bed by eight.

So yesterday I went to the doctors to discuss this problem, cause it is a problem.  We reviewed my medications, did blood work to check for Epstein Barr and for Jaundice.  Checked my white and reds and platelets.  Everything is normal.  My reds and whites are better than they have been in five years.  My platelets are at 25 which is almost normal for a chemo patient.  My meds (all twelve different kinds) checked out, although we decided to stop the Ambien.  According to all that I’ve read they become less effective the longer you are on them.  After six years, I’m past the point of even using them anymore.  So we will see if that changes anything.  I’m supposed to be more active during the day too.  Yep, it’s 4 below outside and sleeping and I’m supposed to go for a walk.  Not gonna happen.

Went out with mom and we both got hair cuts.  Feels good not to be shaggy.  But I don’t like places that don’t wash your hair first.  I’m paying the same price, but they just spray it wet with ice water and cut from there.  I want the shampoo, the scalp massage, the yummy smelling conditioner.  I figure I’m paying for it, I want it.  Last time I go to this place.

Then went to Home Depot with Joe.  Picked up the paint color for the last bedroom that needs to be redone.  It’s Behrs Sweet Midori 420B-5.  I wish I could snap a photo from their website but they have it blocked.  It’s an amazing green, I can’t wait to start painting.

Finally getting smarter about cleaning a two-story house.  Up to this point, I’ve done fairly well.  I have cleaning products in all the bathrooms so I don’t have to carry them from room to room.  I keep supplies of towelling, vinegar, baking soda and liquid soap upstairs and down. So between yesterday and today Joe and I have gotten both a Swiffer sweeper and duster, with refills, to put in the upstairs linen closet.  Now we don’t have to remember to drag them up and down stairs when we are using them.  One more step on the efficiency ladder.

Put on a sweatshirt from 1996 today.  It’s from a whale watching trip we took while on vacation with the kids.  One of the best times.

Off for dinner.  Gonna nosh on leftovers today.  We’ve had take out all week so there are tons of bits to pick from.  Have a wonderful night all.

 

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Stupid is as stupid does


I wondered why I slept till 2 this afternoon.  I wondered why I felt “not quite right”, why I wasn’t hungry or thirsty or have any energy.  I just wanted to sleep and couldn’t, everything ached.  Till I looked at my patch and remembered that I was two days late with it.  So stupid.  I freaking know better.  What I was feeling was the first stages of withdrawal, I should so know these by now since I’m so stupid so often.

Found another angel today.  Joe went to the dentist and came back with a package of dental tools that they can’t use any more.  The last time I was in there the assistant and I were talking about glass work and tools and how we shared the same tools and what I used her tools for.  She since went around the office and collected all the “unusable’s” and packaged them up for me.  I love it when angels peek around corners and let you see their faces, even for a split second.  I got a warm, full sensation right around my heart.  That someone would remember a casual conversation and go beyond to actually find tools for me and to make sure I got them, that takes a big ‘ol heart.

Spent the evening watching “another Karate Kid” with Hillary Swank and I’m so wondering how old she was when this movie was made.  The poor costumer spent every minute of the movie trying to cover her adult sized breasts.  I’m amazed they didn’t make more appearances  they did.  I’m convinced they kept making these movies to give Pat Morita a job for another few years. Why is it that I can watch these silly teen-age movies over and over and can only stomach James Bond and his ilk only once?

I’m off to bed.  I can’t believe I slept most of the day away and I’m still tired.  I think my SAD is rearing up again.  Lovely, seasonal depression on top of everyday depression.  A double dose.

Anyone watch the show “Double Diva’s” last night.  Yep, they finally did it.  The advertising boobs made a show about boobs.  Big Boobs too.  Not your everyday boobs.  All we need now is one called “Big Banana Hammocks” and they will have shown all their cards.  We already have the boobs and the ass (Ms Kim) covered.

Really off to bed now.  My thoughts are taking on a random pattern even I’m not comfortable with.

Yesterday dawned clear and bright


The birds were singing the sun was shining.  Joe and I went out Monday and picked up some plants for the front flower bed.  Two years ago, I had him rip out a bunch of 20-year-old shrubs that were on their last legs anyway.  So it’s been pretty barren landscape wise.  Although one full quarter is blooming voraciously with things I put in last year.  And the sporadic hostas that got shoved in are doing well.  Even the peony that I thought wouldn’t make it has come back.

Now to get the back yard done.  And it all starts with a tarp.  I have my flowers for my pots, just can’t fill my pots yet cause they are being used as weights for the big black tarp.  We were gonna remove the tarp today, but of course, it rained all night so the tarp is again full of water.  Cant remove the tarp till the waters gone.  So, I’m gonna get that pump humming today.  I want to see beautiful blue water.  Not some black pit.

On the cancer front.  Went for chemo yesterday.  The oncologist said that my C/T scan was normal and showed no evidence of recurring cancers.  But since my thyroid is still swollen and he doesn’t know if it’s scar tissue from the radiation or something else so I’m off to the ENT to have that lovely scope threaded through my nose and down my throat. Yippee.  Oh and it’s almost time again for the GT twins, upper and lower.  Just to make sure there are no holes anywhere.  And, if I’m not mistaken it’s time to get squished and a visit to the lady doctor.  June is tune up month.  Even Oscar has his regular checkups in June.

Got some work done in my ETSY shop over the weekend.  Lots of new vessels listed.  If you like any, and yes, this is blatant advertising, but it’s my stuff so shut up, use coupon code VESSELS512.  It’s only good till the end of the month.  Here are some tempters.

 

They say what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger


and that patience is a virtue, and good things come to those who wait.

Whoever “they” are, haven’t had to deal with doctors returning calls or getting test results back to find out if you are going to have to go to war once again.  That’s how I see battling cancer.  Going to war, armed with a pea-shooter and a roll of toilet paper.    I still have heard nothing about my results.  I really don’t want to wait till next Thursday to find out.  I find myself returning to self-mutilation when I’m stressed and I keep catching myself.

When I was young I was a cutter.  The feet were always a good place to cut cause you could hide them easily.  Broken glass and boyfriends names all done in a drunken stupor in my friends basements or at the playground.  I’ve gotten away from the open bleeding wounds, now I do it on a small-scale.  Like tearing the skin off from around my nails.  Or cutting my toenails till they bleed (the main reason for pedicures for me.  Stops me from doing that.)  Sometimes I catch myself sticking pins in my fingers to see how long I can stand it.  I am aware that I’m doing it.  And I am making every effort to stop doing it.  Stress adds to it.  And I’m about stressed to the max.

Really itching to get some backyard work done today.  Once the yard gets a bit warmer and drier.  We’ve had bad storms the past three nights that have really torn things up.  The weeds love it though.

I think I’ll take Oscar for a long walk today.  It’s kinda nice out 60 degrees or so.  Poor Joe can’t keep up with us anymore.  His knee tires him out after half a block.  Have to get Oz some exercise.  We are headed for Columbus to see C and L and the kids.  It seems like forever since I’ve seen them.  It’s supposed to be a nice weekend with rain on Sunday which is our return home day so that works.  Hopefully it will be nice enough to sit outside by the fire with hotdogs and a cold beer.  I so need this.  Traveling is hard, but the treasure at the end of the journey is worth it.  And Oscar loves playing with Ellie.

I’m off now to ponder the universe that exists only in my own bellybutton.  Have a great weekend everyone.  I hope the sun shines on all your picnics.

B

The countdown begins


Tree is decorated and lit, packages wrapped and placed under the tree.  The stockings are hung and the halls have been decked.  In two days the house will ring with children’s laughter and the heady sound of adults laughing and catching up.  I’m so excited.  Then seven days later we head for Orlando/Canaveral and head to the Bahamas for seven fun-filled, sun filled days.

Tomorrow I’ll make the dressing and the cheesy potatoes, set up the dining room and bring serving stuff up from downstairs.

For now, just watching a silly movie about people who travel back in time and come back with a T-Rex in tow and it’s now running rampant through either New York or L.A.  Joe is sleeping on the couch with Oscar and mom is asking a million questions about the movie.    I love silly movies.

I’m off to sleep now.  Fighting this cold is wearing me out.  Blessings to all of you.

Wow, it’s been ever so long….


Since I’ve posted.  I’ve been in the middle of the deepest funk yet.  My heart was breaking and there was nothing I could do about it.  I convinced myself that nothing was going to change and that I was going to keep getting worse instead of better.  I stopped eating then I couldn’t eat then I got sick from not eating on top of being depressed and ended up back in the hospital for a week, again.  Threats of a feeding tube did not fall upon deaf ears and I did my best to eat well while I was there.  The regular infusion of anti-vomit medication didn’t hurt and the IV pain killers, well they just rock and relaxing is always a good thing.  I’ve been able to maintain my weight this week and I’m not throwing up in the mornings anymore, so all I can hope is that I’m over the hump for this period of time.  I’m guarded but optimistic about future time periods.  I will get my next chemo on Tuesday of next week, along with continued radiation.  I’ll receive chemo every three weeks until radiation is complete which is looking like the 15th of August.  Like I said, I’m optimistic that I won’t get too sick this time.

Joe has been working so hard these past two weeks I’m surprised he’s not worn out.  Where that man get’s his energy is beyond me.  As long as he’s happy, I’m happy.  He takes such good care of me.  Even took me grocery shopping today.  Such patience.

I haven’t been torching too much lately, just hanging and taking care of myself mostly.  My chair has a permanent butt mark that fits me like a glove.  Oscar is getting sassy and lazy hanging with me.  Right this very minute we are sitting in the back yard, by the pool, enjoying the summer sun.  I just ate a big lunch and am pleasantly full.  I think I’ll take a nap and relax for a while. 

I’m back and working to keep me in good condition as best as I can.  Huggs to you all.  Please drop me a note or a comment or an e-mail.  I get so bored and would love to hear from you all.

 

I just got the best gift ever


Two weeks of mental and heartfelt fighting spirit was just handed to me.  C. brought both of the kids by and we played for hours.  I know I should have spent more time talking to C. and Joe, but I love seeing my grand babies and the changes that occur in between each time we see them. 

H. is becoming more and more verbose every time I see him.  Today  I got a full dissertation concerning Whale Sharks including chalk drawings and everything.  I also learned about symbiotic relationships (A symbiotic relationship is one in which one organism lives off another and both organisms either benefit, or there is no detrimental effect to either organism. An example of this is mistletoe or spanish moss living off of a tree.) between animals.  Keep in mind that he’s only 4.  I also got a full demonstration of all he’s learning in Karate.  I get such a thrill out of him cause everything he does is so exciting and thrilling and he gets such joy out of retelling the stories and the facts.  And I love to encourage him.  I ask him questions and if he know, he’ll tell me.  If he doesn’t know the answer, he’ll tell me “Gramma, I’m not sure, I’ll tell you next time”.  And he does.  He remembers and answers my questions.   He loves making up games and having me play the bad guy, ’cause he’s always good.

I. is becoming a little girlie girl.  I picked her up a doll to play with and she carried the baby all over the house.  She’s starting to talk so well.  She calls me Umma (the only spelling close to what I think she’s saying).  Her beautiful face gets prettier every time I see her.  She has a glowing radiance of a very happy, well-loved child.  The best part of seeing her is the huge smile that spreads crossed her face every time she sees you.  Her arms go out and she wants “Love”.  I’m more than happy to provide it, all day long.  Gramma got a new rocking chair and she discovered that if we snuggle on it, it rocks better so every time I sat in it, she crawled on my lap.  The best part was when she would point to the pink tat on my chest and say “Me” and point to herself, then she’d point to the blue star and say “Harp”, then pat her hand on her heart and say “love”.   Those two little bug butts are going to keep me around for a long time.

C. looked good.  Like he’s losing some weight and firming up.  Joe is also looking a bit smaller in the overhang area.  They both work too hard.  Like father, like son.  I was just so happy to see him and get a big hug.  Nothing arms you better for battle than a good strong hug.

Dinner last night was amazing.  The Whitney is one of the most beautiful places I’ve ever seen.  The detail in the architecture is spectacular.  The food was delicious (except for a few undercooked scallops).  We left happy and full.  Mom didn’t get home till after 11:00 so Joe waited up for her, I went to bed at 10:30 and racked out when my head hit the pillow. 

BTW, the shoes rocked.  The most comfortable “strappy” shoes I’ve ever worn.  I’m going to try to get a picture. 

Huggs to everyone.  I hope your weekend is a great as mine, and if it’s not, drop me an e-mail and I’ll add you to my prayer and white light list.

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