Regardless of the situation, no matter how hopeless the outcome may be, I will never quit, and I will never back down. I have become the wolf.

Posts tagged ‘friendships’

The results are in.


Due to the extensive radiation I’ve had done to my neck and throat, my thyroid had stopped working, so it looks like Synthroid is the latest addition to my orchestra.  That harmonious mixture of pharmacological wonders that keep this fine tuned machine running like it’s not supposed to.  Honest to the gods I swear I only have two or three more viable parts they can remove without shutting the whole system down.  It’s like taking apart a bike and having a few pieces left over.  Must have not needed them anyway.

Question for the ether, How does one go about meeting people to form friendships?  Before I got sick I had lots of friends.  I had work friends, and after work friends and combination of both kind of friends.  During my illness and my recovery, my friends thinned out.  At first it was a small number of not returned calls and cancelled plans.  As I got sicker, the friends got thinner.  I’m not blaming them.  I’m sure I wasn’t much to be around back then.  Still had some die-hard friends though.  Now that it’s going on six years even the die-hard friends have gone on living their own lives.  Work, kids, commitments, they all just carry on.  I know I’m also to blame.  For a long while, I didn’t want to go anywhere, do anything.  I had no strength, I was sick.  Now t hat I’m getting better again, I’m looking to do things with friends, I look around and I really don’t have any.

I have my husband whom I love and who would do anything, go anywhere with me, but who is not female.  Sometimes you need girl talk.  There is a lavender festival in Armada this weekend and I’d love some girl time in a good smelling place, but I don’t know anyone else who would enjoy it that lives close enough to enjoy it with.

OK, enough pity party.  I’m off to work on my crap room for a while.  I can put in about an hour a day and it still looks like I haven’t done shit in there.  It will get better.  I am taking pictures this time so I have before and after.  I can see it finished in my mind’s eye and it’s pretty.  I hope it turns out that nice in reality.

Weekends were made for this.


Had a really nice weekend.  Very calm and relaxing.  My heart and spirit are happy and rested.  Now I have to rest the rest of me.

Drove down to Columbus to see C & L and the Grands.  I so love hanging out with them.  This time was so nice and calm.  Friday night we had chicken kabobs on the grill and rice and it was perfect.  I ate everything but one piece of onion.  It was so good.  Then we had a fire in the pit and just sat and talked.  I even stayed up till after 10:30.

Of course Saturday I slept in late.  Harp promptly  informed me that I was the house lazy bones, even Sissy beat me awake.  We spent the day just puttering around the house.  Hanging out outside while the kids came and went.  Watch C&L tear up their front grass.  Took tons of pictures and ninja videos of everyone.

 

Anyone have a good suggestion for a piece of software that will help me splice tons of little video clips into one movie?  I haven’t found one yet.  I have hundreds of video clips and need an easy software.

Anyway, Saturday night we went to dinner at a “famous German Sausage restaurant” in Columbus.  Joe and I had watch a Food Network show that featured this particular place and Joe thought it would be a good place to go for dinner.  It had looked really good on TV.  However, once we got there the choices looked kinda sad and overdone.  I ended up ordering off the menu, which turned out to be a really good idea since my sandwich was really good.  Smoked ham on a pretzel roll.  I ate half of it and was stuffed.  After, we took a great tour of downtown Columbus then went back home to hang out.

Sunday morning was beautiful.  Got up early and just enjoyed the house waking up.  I love listening to the little ones chatter away.  Harper made me a handmade card with hearts in it.  I’ve already hung it on my board downstairs.  He also gave me flowers and pictures.  I was so touched by how thoughtful they were.  It was a really great morning.

We e took our time getting home and just hung out for the rest of the night.  I think the most important thing about this weekend is that I forgot to be sick for a couple of days.  Little ones don’t care.  They just wanted Grandma B to run around the house with them and Oscar.

Today is putz in the backyard day and rest up.  Catching up on laundry and draining the pit.  Have a lovely day everyone.  Enjoy the sunshine.  Fill up on those wonderful D’s.

Spent the day with a wonderful old friend.


She’s actually Joe’s cousin, but my friend.  She has come to Michigan from Washington State to spend some time with friends and family and we were delighted to be able to spend the afternoon with her.

Lupe is a marvelous person with so many stories and life events that I love talking with her.  We have actually only met face to face on four occasions and each time is like we just left each other, we spend hours just talking and catching up.  Even the first time. Roll back eighteen years… Joe and I are living in a very small apartment.  Lupe, Bob and their two boys roll up in their “home”.  Yep, they lived in a motor home.  Such an adventurous spirit she contains.  She was a homesteader in Alaska, been in the Army.  Raised two small boys in the wilderness.  Grew up in Detroit.  The stories this woman tells.

And that’s not her real virtue as a friend and fellow. She asks questions of you, questions that demand multiple sentence answers.  Things like “tell me how you spend your day.  From first cup of coffee till bedtime.  Then she listens and questions your activities.  She has a knack of drawing things out of you that you didn’t know you in you, which prompts a story which prompts another funny story from one of us and another and another.  The four of us talked for three hours in the restaurant and the time just flew by.

It really is a blessing that there are some people out there that are interested in who you are, not what you have that can further their agenda.

Please make sure that you follow my blog so I can include you in the waves of white light I send out nightly.  It makes me sleep better picturing the people I care about being cloaked in white light for the evening.  That way I know they are protected.

 

Drumroll please……


The winner is the Alitma!!  Apparently my puny little cancer cells didn’t measure up to the big gun medicine so he backed off the dosage of Altima by 25% and we’ll see how I do on that.  I can already tell that this is coursing through my body at light speed.  Little pearl of poison infiltrating my cell structure to wreak havoc over the mutant cancer invaders.  Maybe my life is one big video game.  I keep getting restarts on the cancer thing till I get it right and move to the next level.  What fun that will bring.

Did have something interesting happen today at the oncologists office.  A little background here, as little as possible.  In 2006 when I was first diagnosed with cancer everyone rallied to my support, with the outstanding exception of the two people I directly reported to and the one person I worked with.  Now for four years I spent 10 hours a day with these people, the one that I worked with I thought was one of my greatest friends.  We shared everything.  Anyway, as soon as I was diagnosed, I ceased to exist for those three people, most notably the one I thought was my friend.  Calls were not returned.  Lunch meetings with other friends she always had an excuse not to attend.  I’ve seen her twice, both accidental meetings, since I left work.  Guess who I ran into today.

Sure enough, walked into the doctor’s office today and there she stood.  Big as life and she remembers me.  I don’t look anything like I did then so I don’t know how, but she did.  She put the big show biz grin on her face as she squealed out my name and made to hug me.  I looked her in the eye, exchanged a quick “hi, howareya”, and continued on talking to the nurse.  I knew who she was, she hasn’t changed a bit.  I know I should have been more civil, but I couldn’t find it in my heart to be.  She dropped me like a hot rock without a word or reason.  She hurt more than my feelings during those months.

Anyway, I think I handled it well, like a lady and an adult.  I wanted to scream and cry and ask her why, but I maintained control.  I hope I can handle the rest of this chemo with that much control.

Good night all. Sleep well.

 

The path of ones thoughts


I was dusting the family room earlier today and came acrossed a stack of postcards and letters that had yet to be put in my journal, so I gathered my “Journey” journal and started adding to it.  One of the cards was from a very dear woman, whom shall be known as R, who sent me such words of encouragement and joy.  We started e-mailing each other on a regular basis, just keeping up on each others lives.

So, also while I was dusting I unearthed a lovely book of prose printed on handmade paper.   The title caught my eye “The language of Courage and Inner Strength”, so I took a short break from my chores and sat down to see what was in it.  The poems were lovely and very thought-provoking and I started to wonder where I had gotten this tome from.  Usually if I receive a book as a gift, I will  note somewhere who I received it from and the date.  This book, nothing.  As I continued turning pages, wracking my feeble brain in an attempt to remember where this book came from, when a little slip of paper fluttered out.  Yep, it was from R.

So it really wasn’t hard to figure out who the book from Amazon.com came from today.  I had shared my excitement over a book I had read about a subject we are both interested in, so she sent me a book to further my studies.  I’m excited to read it.

I’m so blessed to have friends like her in my life.  People who care about you without needing something in return.  I’m so tired of being needed.  Wanted is one thing, being needed is another matter entirely.

Oh, good subject for tomorrow.  I’m off to bed.  Blessing to you all.

Gilda’s Club Family Walk 2011


 

Many of you know that I am no longer a NERD (No Evidence of Recurring Disease). Walking this year is a major goal for me so I’m asking for your support. Please walk with us to help raise money to support this quiet, but oh so worthy cause.  T

I owe a lot to the support of Gilda’s club. When Joe and I had no-one to ask questions of or to talk to or just to spend time with others like me, Gilda’s was always there for us. The employees, counselors and volunteers were always there with a welcoming smile and a warm hug.

Like so many other non-profits, Gilda’s depends on the kindness of strangers to make donations in order to continue to provide the excellent opportunities and companionship that they provide.

Please help me support this amazing place by helping me reach my target. Or, if you have some time and would like to walk with us, please feel free to join the team.

Donating through this website is simple, fast and totally secure. It is also the most efficient way to support my fundraising efforts.

Many thanks for your support — and don’t forget to forward this to anyone who you think might want to donate too!

http://www.firstgiving.com/fundraiser/brenda-gillen/gillensgang2011

Aside

Words of wisdom by Virginia Swift.


I read this and had to share it. 

A time comes in your life when you… finally get it. When in the midst of all your fears and insanity you stop dead in your tracks and somewhere the voice inside your head cries out – ENOUGH!

Enough fighting and crying or struggling to hold on. And, like a child quieting down after a blind tantrum, your sobs begin to subside, you shudder once or twice, you blink back your tears and through a mantle of wet lashes you begin to look at the world through new eyes.

This is your awakening. You realize that it’s time to stop hoping and waiting for something to change, or for happiness, safety and security to come galloping over the next horizon. You come to terms with the fact that he is not Prince Charming and you are not Cinderella and that in the real world there aren’t always fairy tale endings (or beginnings for that matter). and that any guarantee of “happily ever after” must begin with you, and in the process a sense of serenity is born of acceptance.

You awaken to the fact that you are not perfect, and that not everyone will always love, appreciate or approve of who or what you are and its OK. (They are entitled to their own views and opinions.) And you learn the importance of loving and championing yourself, and in the process a sense of newly found confidence is born of self-approval.

You stop bitching and blaming other people for the things they did to you (or didn’t do for you) and you learn that the only thing you can really count on is the unexpected. You learn that not everyone will always be there for you, and that it’s not always about you. So, you learn to stand on your own and to take care of yourself and in the process a sense of safety and security is born of self-reliance.

You stop judging and pointing fingers, and you begin to accept people as they are, and to over look their shortcomings and human frailties and in the process a sense of peace and contentment is born of forgiveness.
You realize that much of the way you view yourself, and the world around you, is a result of all the messages and opinions that have been ingrained into your psyche. And you begin to sift through all the crap you’ve been fed about how you should behave, how you should look, how much you shouldn’t weigh, what you should wear, where you should shop, what you should drive, how and where you should live, what you should do for a living, who you should sleep with, who you should marry, what you should expect of a marriage, the importance of having and raising children, or what you owe your parents.

You learn to open up to new worlds and different points of view. And you begin re-assessing and redefining who you are and what you really stand for. You learn the difference between wanting and needing, and you begin to discard the doctrines and values you’ve outgrown, or should never have bought into to begin with, and in the process you learn to go with your instincts. You learn to distinguish between guilt and responsibility, and the importance of setting boundaries and learning to say NO. You learn that the only cross to bear is the one you choose to carry, and that martyrs get burned at the stake.

Then you learn about love. Romantic love and familial love. How to love, how much to give in love, when to stop giving, and when to walk away. You learn not to project your needs or your feelings onto a relationship. You learn that you will not be more beautiful, more intelligent, more lovable, or important because of the man or woman on your arm or the child that bears your name.
You learn to look at relationships as they really are and not as you would have them be. You stop trying to control people, situations, and outcomes. You learn that just as people grow and change, so it is with love. and you learn that you don’t have the right to demand love on your terms. Just to make you happy. And, you learn that ‘alone’ does not mean lonely.
And you look in the mirror and come to terms with the fact that you will never be a size 5 or a perfect 10 and you stop trying to compete with the image inside your head and agonizing over how you “stack up.” You also stop working so hard at putting feelings aside, smoothing things over, and ignoring your needs.

You learn that feelings of entitlement are perfectly OK. . . and that it is your right to want things that you want. and that sometimes it is necessary to make demands. You come to the realization that you deserve to be treated with love, kindness, sensitivity, and respect, and you will not settle for less. And you allow only the hands of a lover who cherishes you, to glorify you with his or her touch. and in the process you internalize the meaning of self-respect.

And you learn that your body really is your temple. You begin eating a balanced diet, drinking more water, and taking more time to exercise. You learn that fatigue diminishes the spirit and can create doubt and fear, so you take more time to rest. And, just as food fuels the body, laughter fuels our soul, so you take more time to laugh and to play.

You learn that, for the most part, in life you get what you believe you deserve. and that much of life is a self-fulfilling prophecy. You learn that anything worth achieving is worth working for, and that wishing for something to happen is different from working toward making it happen. More importantly, you learn that in order to achieve success, you need direction, discipline, and perseverance.

You also learn that no one can do it all alone and its OK to risk asking for help. You learn that the only thing you must truly fear is the great robber baron of all time: FEAR itself. You learn to step right into and through your fears, because you know that whatever happens you can handle it, and to give in to fear is to give away the right to live life on your terms.
You learn to fight for your life and not to squander it living under a cloud of impending doom. You learn that life isn’t always fair, you don’t always get what you think you deserve, and that sometimes bad things happen to unsuspecting, good people. On these occasions you learn not to personalize things. You learn that God isn’t punishing you or failing to answer your prayers. It’s just life happening. And you learn to deal with evil in its most primal state – the ego.

You learn that negative feelings such as anger, envy, and resentment must be understood and redirected, or they will suffocate the life out of you and poison the universe that surrounds you.

You learn to admit when you are wrong and to build bridges instead of walls. You learn to be thankful and to take comfort in many of the simple things we take for granted, things that millions of people upon the earth can only dream about a full refrigerator, clean running water, a soft warm bed, a long hot shower. Slowly, you begin to take responsibility for yourself. by yourself, and you try to make yourself a promise to never betray yourself and to never ever settle for less than your heart’s desire. And you hang a wind chime outside your window so you can listen to the wind. And you make it a point to keep smiling, to keep trusting, and to stay open to every wonderful possibility.

Finally, with courage in your heart and with God by your side, you take a stand, you take a deep breath, and you begin to design the life you want to live as best as you can.

~ Virginia Swift ~

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