Regardless of the situation, no matter how hopeless the outcome may be, I will never quit, and I will never back down. I have become the wolf.

Posts tagged ‘withdrawal’

Another bad day, and it’s only just begun.


Lost my pain patch last night while I was sleeping.  I swear, I can put 20 lbs of surgical tape on these things and they just fall off.  So, woke up this morning in the beginnings of a full-blown withdrawal.  Anyone who has gone through medical withdrawal knows it’s not very fun.

With me, I start with the cold sweats and chills.  I can’t get warm, and I can’t stop sweating.  My feet feel like blocks of ice, but I can’t put socks on because they are sweating so much that my socks get damp in minutes then it’s worse.  My entire body feels “fluttery”, like a leaf in a breeze.  I’m shaking and my brain is muddled.  I know I slept, but not very well.  I remember waking up several times just so cold my teeth were chattering, but I changed twice cause I was soaked.

I’m off now to get something to eat and to take a nap.  A bad night wears me out more than a bad day does, every time.

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Where did peaceful Suburbia go?


I remember that while growing up, suburbia was an up and coming concept for all of the post Korean war veterans.  Cheap houses, put together “pre-fab” and assembled on your lot.  It would take about two weeks from down payment to move in.  Paint, lights and fixtures included and if you didn’t like them, you were free to change them at your cost.  The men were proud of their homes and no matter what went on inside, the outsides were immaculate.  Lawns were mown, weeds pulled, hedges trimmed and all done on Saturday afternoon between 10 am and 1 pm.

It was a silent ritual.  8:00 breakfast and to hand out punishments for the week.  By 9:30 garage doors start opening and you see the men in their summer outfits.  Knee shorts of some wild plaid design, white ankle socks and buckle sandals.  Usually accompanied by the shirt of choice.  It has started, the ritual, the checking of gas in the tank, checking the gap on the spark plugs.  At 10 am they would emerge, those mighty warriors of the suburban lawn and the battle would commence.  Everything must be done and put away by 1 pm.  I don’t know what kind of silent ridicule befell the man who was last, but it had to be something.   Perhaps he had to buy the first round that night, who knows.  All I can tell you is that by 1:30 they were showered and shaved with a cold beer in hand and a ball game on.

After 1pm on Saturday and all through the week the resounding silence from machines was deafening.  Kids could be heard shouting and laughing, birds chirping  and ladies chatting over the fences.  I didn’t realize what bliss was. 

Today, Wednesday, I walked out on my deck at 1:00 thinking to enjoy the sun and the slight breeze that had cropped up.  Perhaps take some photo’s of my flowers and the birds at the feeder.  Oh, but it was not to be.  In a single half hour period no less than three houses had the mega mowers at their house mowing the lawn.  In the middle of the day, in the middle of the week.  Is there no solitude to be had anymore.    Now I know I’m a bit bitchy right now, the Lumbar Puncture created the headache from hell, but come-on.  Even I know that mowing during the heat of the day stresses your lawn.  Give us some peace mega mowers.  Do your jobs in the mornings or on weekends and let the rest of us rest.

It’s going to be a great weekend.  Two of my favorite niece’s are coming in from out-of-state with their spouses, one on Thurs one on Fri, then C & L are bringing the babies over to swim on Saturday.  There is nothing that makes me feel more like me than to hear the sounds of laughter coming from my yard and home.  It makes my heart swell to know I have these incredible people in my life.  And these two amazing little people, I  just Love them, they have me wrapped and they know it.  So lots of cookouts and swimming and living life large with my some of my favorites.

Update on medical:  Monday, got my Lumbar puncture (frickin ouch), Tuesday, radiation as normal, Wednesday: no radiation, the machine broke and I didn’t want to wait.  Was feeling kinda sweaty, chilly, pukey anyway.  Figured out quickly that I had lost another patch so withdrawal was starting.  I think I’m going to start backing off on the patches.  I’d rather be in uncomfortable pain then to go through that again.  Talked to Dr. and we worked out a plan. So in two weeks, I’ll be a little more uncomfortable, but I won’t have to worry about that stupid patch.

It’s 3:15 and I’m wide ass awake.  I slept all day with this headache and now I’m screwed.  I think I’ll surf a bit then try again.  Night all.  Huggs to you all.

I’ll leave you with this to start your day.  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=R36CixkIaIc .  Sorry, It’s in my head and now it’s in yours.

I never thought I’d ever forget


one iota of feelings I had going through cancer last time.  From the sick to your stomach constantly to the gnawing fear in your gut but boy did I forget a big ole’ one today.  I totally forgot what a withdrawal felt like. 

They put me on Fentanyl (sp?) for pain when they took the tumor out of my neck.  Now this is some rocking pain-killer and will knock a grown man down, I myself hardly notice it.  Somehow either yesterday or overnight, my patch fell off.  I can’t find it, so not really sure where it is, the dog probably ate it. 

Anyway all morning I couldn’t figure out why I’ve felt miserable, pain in my chest, heart racing, sweaty, queasy, achy, cold and shivery.  I thought I was coming down with something.  I lay on my chair all morning feeling like I’d been hit by the Oh-shit truck.  Finally at about noon, I noticed my patch was gone.  Then I got hit with the reality truck.  I wasn’t sick, I was missing my meds.  Really baaadddd MOJO to go off your meds unassisted.  I have a feeling that it will be many days for my body to catch up with the meds again.  Wow, lesson learned for me huh?

Got tons of stuff flitting around my wounded little brain that I can’t bring myself to write about.  Every time I start, my throat chokes and my eyes get teary. 

I really can’t believe how many friends I have that I have never met.  I belong to a national chat board for Lampworkers and have chatted with and cheered and cried for these women countless times.  Now they are making my heart happy with the outpouring of love that I get from these women and men whom I’ve never met, but could probably tell you more about their lives than my own sibs (may the fleas of a thousand camels infest their underwear).

I can’t believe how many friends I don’t have close.  There is not one person that would say OK if I called and asked to meet for lunch.  I get the ho-hum, not today, maybe next week, I’ll call you. 

Guess I’m just a bit soupy right now.  I think I go crawl into bed and pull the covers over my head and just be for awhile.

I’m so scared and I want to keep my dog 

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