Regardless of the situation, no matter how hopeless the outcome may be, I will never quit, and I will never back down. I have become the wolf.

Posts tagged ‘torch’

Merry Sabbath all


This is a day that way meant to be worshiped, however you choose to do it.  The sun is shining, the air is crisp and cold, the leaves are blowing all around.  It’s a great day to be alive!  Mary, Tito, Joe, Mom and I went to church this morning. It’s always nice to get to spend time with them on Sundays catching up. I’m so glad that mom is back down for the winter. I love having her join us for church.  The sunlight streaming through the stained glass was inspiring. The service was kind of not great, even though Fr. Tom did his best. The power was out and all he had was a karaoke machine with batteries. Not the best sound system in the world, but he made do. 

I feel so good that I’m going to ask everyone for a favor.  Tomorrow, Monday the 14th of Nov 2011, I would like for everyone to do something nice for someone else.  It doesn’t have to be life changing nice, could be holding the door open nice, giving up a parking spot nice, pay for an old persons lunch nice.  You know, down home nice.  Send a card to someone you haven’t talked to in a while, call someone, take your elderly neighbors dog for a long walk.  As long as it makes you smile inside, you did good.

Two days and I’m off to Virginia to play and learn and probably burn myself at least twice.  Just sitting here trying to figure my med schedule and how to modify to take full advantage of alertness and to minimize the zoning out times.  Can’t be eliminated, but can be controlled.  I wonder If I can still do an all nighter?  I’m still trying to wrap my brain around the fact that Joe offered this wonderful gift.  What a best friend and husband I have. 

Too many good things happening at once;  got told my cancer is gone, got given this wonderful trip, got a 6 week reprieve from treatment.  I can’t help but wait for the other shoe to drop.  Why can’t I be a glass half full type person?

  I’m off now to take Oscar for a walk (maybe I’ll grab Pookie too) then I’m going to torch for a few hours.  Work some of this excitement off.

Have a blessed day everyone.  Please don’t move any faster than your guardian angel can fly.

Remember:  Most accidents happen in the home.  I’m heading to the bar.

The closer Tuesday gets…


The more my heart races.  I get my CT results on Tuesday.  I’m so terrified that someone is going to say, “Oops, guess that didn’t work”.  I really don’t want to do this again.  The first time was the most difficult thing I’ve ever lived through.  There were days that I made deals with myself against ending it.  It just hurt so bad.  imagine waking up every day for a year feeling like someone had beaten you with a baseball bat during the night.  You are powerless to stop it.  Nothing makes it better.

The second round was bad, but without the massive surgeries bad.  Nope this one I looked fine, walked fine, talked fine, and I think people had a hard time realizing how much I hurt on the inside.  The scar tissue has been aggravated by the chemo for the last three months.  My Neuropathy is coming back with a vengeance.  My hands go numb at the most inappropriate times.  Really feels weird when it feels like the left side of your face is sliding off.  I’m melting!!!!

I also get another “maintenance” round of chemo on Tues.  The first round knocked me on my ass for two weeks.  I’m just recovering my strength this week and I have to go again.  So not fair.  I do hope that as I get more used to it, my body will adjust and accommodate the chemo.  I really don’t want to sleep the next year away.

It’s Monday morning now.  Didn’t sleep for much last night.  Kept thinking of bad results or good results but with the anticipation of having to do this again, or no results, they screwed the test up, which has happened before.

I had actually forgotten that radiation keeps cooking you even after you stop receiving it.  Three weeks after getting my last treatment, the opening of my throat feels like its swollen shut to the size of a small straw opening.  Swallowing food is an adventure.  I never know if I’m actually going to swallow it or cough it back up.  Eating is always an adventure these days. 

So, I’m off to clean more beads so I can list them in my shop.  I might even try making shards today.  Haven’t made those in years.  I just love blowing glass up then letting it shatter.  I think perhaps I’ll do that first.  I can always clean beads.  I so need a studio helper.  A magical faery to clean beads, photograph and list.  Clean and dip mandrels.  Keep me organized so I can just torch. 

I did stumble over something disturbing yesterday though.  If you’ve ever seen the show “Toddlers in Tiara’s” (or Tods with Tits as I call it here) then you know it’s a beauty pageant for little girls.  They hochiefy these little girls to make them look like southern hooker on crack, then have them parade around and shake their asses in front of people.  Bad enough that they televised it so all the pedophiles can get off on princess barbies, but yesterday there was a “little mister” competition.  Yep, three boys, in full makeup and spray tan, shaking little baby booties on national tv  in booty shorts and sequined tops.  I guess I’m just upset by how many pervs are gonna get off on these little babies.  It’s so not fair to the babies to exploit them.

OK soapbox preaching is over for today.  Huggs to everyone.  Have a magical week.  I’m off to crochet a dragon.  Ask me how, if you dare.

I know I’ve been remiss in updating…


but I’ve been holding onto a secret.  I’ve wanted to tell my support group live and in person.  I am officially in remission.  I have to go every three weeks for a “maintenance” dose of chemo, but that is soooo doable. 

I’m scared and excited and stunned and awestruck all at the same time.  I’m so scared that it’s not really over and my oncologist is just giving me three weeks to play at being normal before testing me to see how bad it really is.  I keep waiting for the other shoe to drop.  Compared to how sick I was in 2006 this was a summer cold.  When am I going to get really sick?  Is it really over or am I living a fantasy till the test results are in?

I will be the first one dancing down the streets if all my tests come back clean, don’t get me wrong.  But this was kinda too easy.

At least I’m able to torch without supervision again.  My area is clean and I’m torching today.  All day.  No excuses.

See, I even yell at myself sometimes. 

I’m working on completing stocking my Etsy shop.  I’ve added a lot of new stuff.  Gotta go fire up the torch.

Hugs to you all

Wow, it’s been ever so long….


Since I’ve posted.  I’ve been in the middle of the deepest funk yet.  My heart was breaking and there was nothing I could do about it.  I convinced myself that nothing was going to change and that I was going to keep getting worse instead of better.  I stopped eating then I couldn’t eat then I got sick from not eating on top of being depressed and ended up back in the hospital for a week, again.  Threats of a feeding tube did not fall upon deaf ears and I did my best to eat well while I was there.  The regular infusion of anti-vomit medication didn’t hurt and the IV pain killers, well they just rock and relaxing is always a good thing.  I’ve been able to maintain my weight this week and I’m not throwing up in the mornings anymore, so all I can hope is that I’m over the hump for this period of time.  I’m guarded but optimistic about future time periods.  I will get my next chemo on Tuesday of next week, along with continued radiation.  I’ll receive chemo every three weeks until radiation is complete which is looking like the 15th of August.  Like I said, I’m optimistic that I won’t get too sick this time.

Joe has been working so hard these past two weeks I’m surprised he’s not worn out.  Where that man get’s his energy is beyond me.  As long as he’s happy, I’m happy.  He takes such good care of me.  Even took me grocery shopping today.  Such patience.

I haven’t been torching too much lately, just hanging and taking care of myself mostly.  My chair has a permanent butt mark that fits me like a glove.  Oscar is getting sassy and lazy hanging with me.  Right this very minute we are sitting in the back yard, by the pool, enjoying the summer sun.  I just ate a big lunch and am pleasantly full.  I think I’ll take a nap and relax for a while. 

I’m back and working to keep me in good condition as best as I can.  Huggs to you all.  Please drop me a note or a comment or an e-mail.  I get so bored and would love to hear from you all.

 

It’s going to be a glorious weekend


It started this morning with a shoe shopping spree.  Six, count ’em six pairs of new shoes.  I hit a buy one get one free sale.  I can’t wait till Joe sees my shoes for tonite.  They rock.  Lots of heel and strap and zippers. 

Tonite BTW is dinner at the Whitney in Detroit.  I’ve never been before and I don’t think Joe has either.  M.D. and J got us a gift certificate for there when I was first diagnosed.  I just haven’t been well enough to go.  Well we are going tonight because I feel good and I don’t start chemo again till Thurs.  And radiation starts Tues.  So I’m taking advantage of this little window of “I feel good” time.

Saturday is a do-nothing day.  Joe wants to futz in the garage and on his Car.  I’m going to get some herbs and get them planted.  And maybe a couple of perennials for the front yard.  Joe has it looking so nice with all the cedar chips he put down, it’s just begging for little splashes of color. 

Sunday is going to be a great day again.  Going to St. Anne’s in Detroit for noon mass, then to M.D.’s for a cookout.  I wonder if she has a frisbee??  I’m in the mood to play, nicely, not slaughterhouse frisbee.

Well Mom is off to a Graduation so I have the house to myself for a while.  I think I’ll go try on dresses for tonite.  I hope they still fit.

Love and huggs to everyone.

And on the third day….


And the evening and the morning were the third day.

And God said, Let there be lights in the firmament of the heaven to divide the day from the night; and let them be for signs, and for seasons, and for days, and years:

And let them be for lights in the firmament of the heaven to give light upon the earth: and it was so.

And God made two great lights; the greater light to rule the day, and the lesser light to rule the night: he made the stars also.

And God set them in the firmament of the heaven to give light upon the earth,

And to rule over the day and over the night, and to divide the light from the darkness: and God saw that it was good.

What have you done this day, week, year, to shine some light on someones life.  It doesn’t have to be a “big light”, just a tiny light that puts a smile on someones face and lets them know that somewhere, someone is thinking of them. 

I haven’t done any “big” dramatic lights, but I try to do tiny little lights.  I like to send cards out to people.  And I like to send letters, just notes, post cards sometimes even e-mails and e-cards if I’m short of time (I know, bad excuse, but at least I did put thought into it).   I always take a few extra minutes when I’m at the dollar store or the drug store and browse the card aisle.  There is always a card that makes me think of someone.  So I buy it and send it. 

 There is something soothing about the written word.  That someone took the time and thought to apply pen to paper and send me tangable proof that they were thinking of me.  I have a “color” board where I work.  Half of it is postcards sent from friends from all over the world. 

There are also photo’s of friends beads and kids and grand babies and color, color, color.  Even my wall is a lovely splash of Mustard Yellow.  (notice I cropped off the desktop.  It’s a mess.)  Anyone want to send a photo or postcard for my board, please feel free.

I’ve also started a journal for all the encouraging letters, cards and post cards sent from friends that I take to my appointments, and spend time reading them over and over.  It’s such a comfort.

Just spent 3 hours cleaning and reorganizing the basement.  Got a really good start at it.  Decided to make it more “user friendly” for getting to my glass rods and frit.   Moved a shelf closer to the torch so I can reorganize my colors.  When you accumulate your glass a bit at a time, then you have a hard task keeping it organized.  After 6 years of shoving it “where it fits” in the cabinet, I’m actually updating my color book for my Moretti glass.  I haven’t added new colors since 2005.  I’m kinda slow.  Anyway, I’ve rested for a bit.   Well, the boys and I have.  It’s 12:30ish so I need to check mom’s TV stations are on.  And I think I’ll wash and put up some more glass.  Just taking it slow and easy.

Don’t just put some light in someones life today, be a light.

And so it begins….again


Soo sick this morning.  Just the thought of eating makes me want to yak.  Peppermint tea and cream of wheat for me today.

And now to dish on the chemo from yesterday.  Got there early cause you always have a book worth of paperwork to fill out.  Then sit and wait, and wait.  Go back for blood work and surprise.  Cant hit the vein.  Three pokes later in the crook of my arm and I’m about ready to leave.  Glad I wasn’t wearing good pants, cause blood spatter doesn’t come out.  She got it worse than I so that was a bonus!  Then we get taken to an exam room?  OK the treatment room is in the back, why am I in an exam room?  Dr. Jeff comes in, being his usual annoyingly chipper self, and goes over the fact that we are going to wait till after the third round of chemo before seeing if we still need to radiate.  

Off we go to the treatment room where I pick a comfortable seat and get ready to party.  The nurses take my order and we are ready to begin.  First nurse comes up to start my IV.  No port this time, Chemo is only every three weeks, so they don’t think a port is a necessary surgery at this point. 

Please keep in mind that in the past two weeks I’ve had a CT, a PET, a MRI, a Biopsy, and had blood drawn every time.  My little veins are tired.  Two tries into the crook of the elbow and she’s frustrated cause I keep jerking.  OK, it hurts.  Those veins have been skewered so many times in the past few weeks.  So she tries in the back of the arm. 

Now is when it gets fun.  The skin on the back of my arms is so thick both from working outside all my life and from scar tissue that entering a vein is a painful process of just popping the needle through the skin.  It usually ends up with me drawing in a quick, painful breath and the nurse giving a shout of triumph.  Only two tries for this one.

First bag, saline.  Second bag, Benadryl (nice, I don’t get to sleep for three nights, that shit is like speed). Third bag is the Alitma, which is supposed to be the new wonder drug, won’t make me sick or make my hair fall out (bonus).  It’s now time for the largest bag, the Carboplatin.  Que the danger music here.  This one will make me sick, will probably make my hair fall out (if it does, I’m getting a tat on the back of my head of something rude.  Like eyes staring back.). 

Got home by 6:30 which is much earlier than I had expected.  I immediately went up to bed with a plate of fruit and yoghurt.  Didn’t even want to think about eating anything else.  Just stretched out in bed and watched old movies (ever hear of Ed and his Dead Mother, check it out)  and chillaxed.

Today, the tin taste is already back.  Coffee tasted like burnt tuna can this morning.  This is gonna be painful.  All my joints ache, like someone poured abrasive in them.  Attitude is not that sunny and bright.  I’m off to edit some photo’s and to post some things on e-bay.  Wish me luck, the PP acct. is getting low and momma needs some new glass.

Huggs to you all.

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