Regardless of the situation, no matter how hopeless the outcome may be, I will never quit, and I will never back down. I have become the wolf.

Posts tagged ‘grandkids’

Have a new entry on my “Toys” page


We went to Columbus for the weekend to visit C and L and the babes.  Really nice weekend.  I know I wasn’t the best guest (got sick several times, couldn’t eat) and I’m sorry for that, but it was very relaxed and casual and it was great to see everyone.  Even got to see T & R.  R is getting so tall and beautiful.  Such a lady too.

My absolute favorite part was when everyone settled down either napping or chatting and I went up where H was coloring and we just sat and talked and watched cartoons and colored and talked some more. Which brings me to the title of this post.  A commercial came on while we were talking about something and we both looked at each other when it was over and said, simultaneously, “That can’t be for real”.  Now H is a five-year old boy and if he thinks it’s a disgusting toy, you can bet it’s over the limit.  It was funny, we both raced downstairs like a couple of kids to find C and J and tell them all about it.  You will have to click over to the “Toys” page to see what it is, I’m not going to spoil it, but it’s over the top bad.  Upon further searching the vast reaches of the internet, I found out that Mattel has plans for a Barbie version, but, that is also on the “Toys” page.

I am so in Love with my grandkids.  I could sit and talk to my grandson for hours.  It’s so hard to believe that he is only five.  I know that I am prejudiced, but his word recognition and social skills are so beyond any five-year old I’ve ever met.  He is a born leader and I have no doubt that he will make his mark on the world.  Oh and there is nothing like the kiss of a baby girl and the sweet way she says “I love you”.  She is so into dresses and costumes.  Grandma is going to have a blast looking for costumes for her.  I might even fire up my sewing machine and make some funky summer dresses for her.

Off to update the “Toys” page.  Come on over and check it out.

Another whirlwind weekend wizzes past.


It’s been a beautiful weekend thus far.  Last night Joe and I went to the Whitney for dinner.  Dinner was excellent, but I was a tad uncomfortable.  You see, there was a wedding reception taking place last night, so most of the evening was spent with flashes going off outside our dining room door from the photographer.  Lots of gathering and raised joyous voices in the vestibule.  I was expecting the gentle sounds of the piano player playing softly in the background and muted conversation.  Not a DJ introducing the next Mr. and Mrs. so and so.  And then witnessing the grand procession down the stairs into the entryway, complete with introductions and photos.

Just not the quiet dinner I envisioned, but I had a wonderful time anyway.  I did get to see some large women in crazy tight dresses and some shoes that Lady GaGa would kill for.  Why is it that large bottomed women think we want to see them in skin-tight, so short we can see your business, skirts and dresses is beyond me.

C and L came by with the kids this morning.  It’s always wonderful to see them.  I get such joy in my heart just sitting and watching them play.  And the way they naturally cuddle and touch is amazing.  We were laying on the kitchen floor, printing coloring pictures from my computer, and they were both snuggled up next to me.  Isla smells like heaven and is such a girly girl.  And Harper is just becoming such a little man.  He talks like a much older child.  His comprehension is so far beyond his four years.  I’m so in awe of them and the power they have over me.

Harper asked me today why I was sick and when I was gonna get better.  I just told him that I didn’t know why and didn’t know when, but I was working really hard at getting better.  He just said OK and went back to coloring.  A little while later he looked up and said, “just don’t get too sick on me, OK.”  I’m so in love with him.

Just hanging out playing cards with M now.  He’ll take off soon to go home and another weekend will come to a close.  The weeks take so long and the weekends just fly past.

I dread Tuesday more and more with every passing moment.  I don’t want to restart chemo.  I feel so healthy.  I think I’m off for a bath and an early bedtime.  Have a blessed evening everyone.

Sometimes…


In the dark of the night, when the wind is blowing the window panes loose in the frames and you can almost hear the snow hitting the siding that I sit and remember how much I’m blessed.  I went through most of my life believing that I would end it alone.  I’ve never had children or made lasting ties with anyone.  My family has drifted off into their own little worlds and that’s OK.  I was one of those “tweener” kids, everyone was either five years older or five years younger than me.  The older kids wanted nothing to do with me so I got to babysit all the younger ones.  Resentment built, you know the story.

Anyway, Saturday night M & M and Joe and I went out to the Parthenon for dinner then to the Fox theatre to see the Cirque dreams Holidaze show.  Dinner was amazing.  I love sharing stories and hearing about their days.  Such incredible adults, I’m so proud of them and their thoughts and actions.  The show was amazing.  Such a dramatic sense overload of light, sound, movement, color.  So many things to watch at once.  I enjoyed myself so much. I thing the best part was sitting next to Mel for the first half of the show and just watching her face.  It was super fun.

So after sleeping in late Sunday morning (I’m allowed), Joe told me that C & L are bringing the kids over.  What a blessing.  I got baby cuddled and hugs and just seeing the changes in those two little bundles.  Lightened my heart and made me even more ready for the holidays.

To my delight Joe and I have just booked a cruise for two to the Bahamas for New Years Eve.  It’s those rays of sunshine that make my little world a brighter space.   I’m a lucky woman.  He just wants me to have some fun before I start chemo again.  It’s already Dec. 20th so the resume day is coming in quickly.

I’m looking forward to having a houseful of people for Christmas Eve, but I’m even more looking forward to be sailing to the Bahama’s on New Years Eve.  I started thinking today that in 20 plus years of being together, we have never gone out for New Years Eve.  Always have prefered to stay at home and relax.  Not have to worry about drivers and such.  This year I get the best of both worlds.  I get to go to a gala party onboard ship and no-one has to drive home.  I’ve never heard of a fatal crash on an elevator.  Maybe down a flight of stairs.  I even already have the perfect dress for it, and shoes.  I’m so ready to have a relaxing time on board with my husband.  He needs to find some good books to read.  I’m already trying to figure the weight limit on catalogs.  Either that or little scraps of yarn so I can continue to make my little Ami Characters.  I’m getting better at them so I might be ready to show them off shortly.

I’m off to face another day.  I think I get some torching done today.  Maybe some goddesses, it’s been awhile.

Blessing to all of you.

 

I don’t ever remember feeling so tiny before.


Like I’m made of spun glass and will shatter at any moment.  My emotions are rollercoastering out of control and I swing from crocodile tears to laughter.  Just received an email from M that made my heart happy and two seconds later I’m tearing up like I lost my best friend. I feel hopeless, helpless and out of control.  It’s not a good day in Brenda’s world.  I actually had to have help getting up the stairs last night.  I’m not even going to attempt them today.  I’ll nap on the couch, although I prefer my bed.

I get to go in tonite for a blood and platelets transfusion.  This is going to be fun.  At least I’ll have a real bed and not some corner of the emergency room.  This will take several hours so Joe and I are in for a long night.  Think of us as you tuck into your cozy beds tonight.  Chemo has been pushed back for another week so I’m kinda geeked about that.  I hope it’s my last round of chemo, but I’m never sure.  Only three more radiation sessions to go.  I should be ramped up, but I just can’t manage to imagine driving myself there three more times to do this.  I’m so tired afterwards.  I called Tio and asked if he would drive me for the rest of the week and he agreed.  I’m so lucky to have him and Mary in my life.  They are like the grandparents I never knew and would have loved to have known.  Lucky girl Amanda.

I’m taking my journal with me tonite so I can re-read all the wonderful cards and letters that have been sent from friends and family encouraging me on my journey.  I just wish I had more energy.  Even the thought of laundry is daunting at this point. 

I’m off to my nap.  All my love.

What a wonderful week this has been.


I felt so good this weekend it was incredible.  I know that spending from Thurs to Wed in the hospital trying to get my eating cycle back on track doesn’t sound like fun, but it sure  did help.  I usually fight like a banshee to not have to go, this time I just picked up my blanket and walked in.  No fighting or arguing from me.  I needed the help.  And yes, I take my own blanket in to emergency.  My quilt is so much warmer than the threadbare squares that pass as blankets in the hospital.  Pitiful, just pitiful.  I’m so much warmer with my own.

My arms are so excited that they got the weekend off for a change.  Usually we are getting blood drawn every day, just not this weekend.   They almost look normal again.

I’m really thinking that I need a puppy.  Must be female, smaller than 20 lbs, med to short hair.  Prefer a mix breed that is good with kids.  Let me know.

I just got the best gift ever


Two weeks of mental and heartfelt fighting spirit was just handed to me.  C. brought both of the kids by and we played for hours.  I know I should have spent more time talking to C. and Joe, but I love seeing my grand babies and the changes that occur in between each time we see them. 

H. is becoming more and more verbose every time I see him.  Today  I got a full dissertation concerning Whale Sharks including chalk drawings and everything.  I also learned about symbiotic relationships (A symbiotic relationship is one in which one organism lives off another and both organisms either benefit, or there is no detrimental effect to either organism. An example of this is mistletoe or spanish moss living off of a tree.) between animals.  Keep in mind that he’s only 4.  I also got a full demonstration of all he’s learning in Karate.  I get such a thrill out of him cause everything he does is so exciting and thrilling and he gets such joy out of retelling the stories and the facts.  And I love to encourage him.  I ask him questions and if he know, he’ll tell me.  If he doesn’t know the answer, he’ll tell me “Gramma, I’m not sure, I’ll tell you next time”.  And he does.  He remembers and answers my questions.   He loves making up games and having me play the bad guy, ’cause he’s always good.

I. is becoming a little girlie girl.  I picked her up a doll to play with and she carried the baby all over the house.  She’s starting to talk so well.  She calls me Umma (the only spelling close to what I think she’s saying).  Her beautiful face gets prettier every time I see her.  She has a glowing radiance of a very happy, well-loved child.  The best part of seeing her is the huge smile that spreads crossed her face every time she sees you.  Her arms go out and she wants “Love”.  I’m more than happy to provide it, all day long.  Gramma got a new rocking chair and she discovered that if we snuggle on it, it rocks better so every time I sat in it, she crawled on my lap.  The best part was when she would point to the pink tat on my chest and say “Me” and point to herself, then she’d point to the blue star and say “Harp”, then pat her hand on her heart and say “love”.   Those two little bug butts are going to keep me around for a long time.

C. looked good.  Like he’s losing some weight and firming up.  Joe is also looking a bit smaller in the overhang area.  They both work too hard.  Like father, like son.  I was just so happy to see him and get a big hug.  Nothing arms you better for battle than a good strong hug.

Dinner last night was amazing.  The Whitney is one of the most beautiful places I’ve ever seen.  The detail in the architecture is spectacular.  The food was delicious (except for a few undercooked scallops).  We left happy and full.  Mom didn’t get home till after 11:00 so Joe waited up for her, I went to bed at 10:30 and racked out when my head hit the pillow. 

BTW, the shoes rocked.  The most comfortable “strappy” shoes I’ve ever worn.  I’m going to try to get a picture. 

Huggs to everyone.  I hope your weekend is a great as mine, and if it’s not, drop me an e-mail and I’ll add you to my prayer and white light list.

It feels like it’s been so long ago


since I had my biopsy when in reality it’s only been less than two months ago.  The last of the scab just fell off tonite.  I love it when people comment on my scar telling me that it looks so good and it’s healing so well and it’s “not so big”, and that the doctor put it in a “good” place.  OK, if it’s all those things then how the hell did you notice it enough to comment on it. 

I’m starting to feel “thin” as in puny and weak.  I can’t eat.  Everything tastes like char burned tuna can.  There is a constant gnawing in my stomach that hasn’t been there before.  I try to eat.  I force food down.  I’m more concerned with my water intake.  I need to drink at least 10 bottles of water a day. Apples, bananas and Nacho Cheese Doritos’ are my favorites right now (shit, just explained the gnawing). 

Had to find a “tamer” toothpaste this weekend.  The stuff I was using was burning the hell out of my gums and tongue all of a sudden.  This new stuff is called Biotine and it’s seems to be OK for now. 

Tried to take the boys for a walk last week.  Made it three houses and had to come home.  Last fall I was doing two miles a day.  Now I can’t make it four houses away.  How sad am I.

Right now my bones hurt.  When I sit down, I can feel them poking out.  I’m starting to feel the bones in my chest and neck.  I’m losing too much weight too fast.  Hit 119 yesterday.  I’m trying so hard to stay over 120.  But when you can’t eat, it’s so hard.  And I have to watch my sugar intake.  My numbers were way do high last time and I don’t want to deal with diabetes on top of cancer.  What a blow that would be.

Did have half a great weekend.  Picked up H and took him to an indoor water park Friday night.  We had so much fun and he was such an angel.  Unfortunately, I got sick again, C had an emergency so we couldn’t stay Saturday and play all day as planned.  We came home and gave L the extra park tickets for Saturday so H and I could as least play for a few hours to wear them out.  It’s a small park, but I suppose if you are a 4-year-old, it’s huge.  H played for hours, then we hit the arcade .  I think I had more fun than he did.  He is such a joy to be with.  So articulate and curious.  He can explain things for hours.  My heart just swells every time I hear that sweet voice calling for “Gramma B”.  And I love the fact that Joe is “Grampa B” by default cause he’s married to me.  My little superstar.

I am excited about today.  One of my glass friends is coming over to play with fire today.  She doesn’t have a place to torch and I get exhausted torching for to long so she is coming over so we can play together.  She can torch and I will string some jewelery.  I can’t wait to have someone to talk to who understands my passion.  Hubby pretends well but I don’t think he could explain the difference between CIM, TAG, and Efferte’.  I hope I have the energy to play all day.  At least I have a comfy chair down here so if I need to nap, and C is a nurse so I’m sure she’ll understand a few moment nap.  Although I may be too excited and just hang all day and pay for it tonight or tomorrow.

Oh yeah, tomorrow is lunch with the girls and then chemo.  So, fun before smack-down.  I wonder what this round will bring.  First round I ended up in the hospital for days cause I couldn’t stop throwing up.  Second round, throwing up continued, but controlled with meds.  Appetite gone.  Weak.  Very tired.

Well, it’s late.  I need to get some sleep.  I’m tired, but only sleep in shifts.  I’ll roll over and something will hurt and I’ll be up for a couple of hours more.  I feel bad for Joe.  He’s the one that has to get up early, and I’m not comfortable anywhere but in bed.  Off to find the new book I bought and hope I haven’t read it before (I hate it when I do that, read a book then forget, then buy it again).

Hold your heads high today, eye contact with everyone is important, share a smile, hug someone you haven’t hugged in a while.  Have a Blessed day.

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