Regardless of the situation, no matter how hopeless the outcome may be, I will never quit, and I will never back down. I have become the wolf.

Posts tagged ‘friendships’

It feels like it’s been so long ago


since I had my biopsy when in reality it’s only been less than two months ago.  The last of the scab just fell off tonite.  I love it when people comment on my scar telling me that it looks so good and it’s healing so well and it’s “not so big”, and that the doctor put it in a “good” place.  OK, if it’s all those things then how the hell did you notice it enough to comment on it. 

I’m starting to feel “thin” as in puny and weak.  I can’t eat.  Everything tastes like char burned tuna can.  There is a constant gnawing in my stomach that hasn’t been there before.  I try to eat.  I force food down.  I’m more concerned with my water intake.  I need to drink at least 10 bottles of water a day. Apples, bananas and Nacho Cheese Doritos’ are my favorites right now (shit, just explained the gnawing). 

Had to find a “tamer” toothpaste this weekend.  The stuff I was using was burning the hell out of my gums and tongue all of a sudden.  This new stuff is called Biotine and it’s seems to be OK for now. 

Tried to take the boys for a walk last week.  Made it three houses and had to come home.  Last fall I was doing two miles a day.  Now I can’t make it four houses away.  How sad am I.

Right now my bones hurt.  When I sit down, I can feel them poking out.  I’m starting to feel the bones in my chest and neck.  I’m losing too much weight too fast.  Hit 119 yesterday.  I’m trying so hard to stay over 120.  But when you can’t eat, it’s so hard.  And I have to watch my sugar intake.  My numbers were way do high last time and I don’t want to deal with diabetes on top of cancer.  What a blow that would be.

Did have half a great weekend.  Picked up H and took him to an indoor water park Friday night.  We had so much fun and he was such an angel.  Unfortunately, I got sick again, C had an emergency so we couldn’t stay Saturday and play all day as planned.  We came home and gave L the extra park tickets for Saturday so H and I could as least play for a few hours to wear them out.  It’s a small park, but I suppose if you are a 4-year-old, it’s huge.  H played for hours, then we hit the arcade .  I think I had more fun than he did.  He is such a joy to be with.  So articulate and curious.  He can explain things for hours.  My heart just swells every time I hear that sweet voice calling for “Gramma B”.  And I love the fact that Joe is “Grampa B” by default cause he’s married to me.  My little superstar.

I am excited about today.  One of my glass friends is coming over to play with fire today.  She doesn’t have a place to torch and I get exhausted torching for to long so she is coming over so we can play together.  She can torch and I will string some jewelery.  I can’t wait to have someone to talk to who understands my passion.  Hubby pretends well but I don’t think he could explain the difference between CIM, TAG, and Efferte’.  I hope I have the energy to play all day.  At least I have a comfy chair down here so if I need to nap, and C is a nurse so I’m sure she’ll understand a few moment nap.  Although I may be too excited and just hang all day and pay for it tonight or tomorrow.

Oh yeah, tomorrow is lunch with the girls and then chemo.  So, fun before smack-down.  I wonder what this round will bring.  First round I ended up in the hospital for days cause I couldn’t stop throwing up.  Second round, throwing up continued, but controlled with meds.  Appetite gone.  Weak.  Very tired.

Well, it’s late.  I need to get some sleep.  I’m tired, but only sleep in shifts.  I’ll roll over and something will hurt and I’ll be up for a couple of hours more.  I feel bad for Joe.  He’s the one that has to get up early, and I’m not comfortable anywhere but in bed.  Off to find the new book I bought and hope I haven’t read it before (I hate it when I do that, read a book then forget, then buy it again).

Hold your heads high today, eye contact with everyone is important, share a smile, hug someone you haven’t hugged in a while.  Have a Blessed day.

And on the third day….


And the evening and the morning were the third day.

And God said, Let there be lights in the firmament of the heaven to divide the day from the night; and let them be for signs, and for seasons, and for days, and years:

And let them be for lights in the firmament of the heaven to give light upon the earth: and it was so.

And God made two great lights; the greater light to rule the day, and the lesser light to rule the night: he made the stars also.

And God set them in the firmament of the heaven to give light upon the earth,

And to rule over the day and over the night, and to divide the light from the darkness: and God saw that it was good.

What have you done this day, week, year, to shine some light on someones life.  It doesn’t have to be a “big light”, just a tiny light that puts a smile on someones face and lets them know that somewhere, someone is thinking of them. 

I haven’t done any “big” dramatic lights, but I try to do tiny little lights.  I like to send cards out to people.  And I like to send letters, just notes, post cards sometimes even e-mails and e-cards if I’m short of time (I know, bad excuse, but at least I did put thought into it).   I always take a few extra minutes when I’m at the dollar store or the drug store and browse the card aisle.  There is always a card that makes me think of someone.  So I buy it and send it. 

 There is something soothing about the written word.  That someone took the time and thought to apply pen to paper and send me tangable proof that they were thinking of me.  I have a “color” board where I work.  Half of it is postcards sent from friends from all over the world. 

There are also photo’s of friends beads and kids and grand babies and color, color, color.  Even my wall is a lovely splash of Mustard Yellow.  (notice I cropped off the desktop.  It’s a mess.)  Anyone want to send a photo or postcard for my board, please feel free.

I’ve also started a journal for all the encouraging letters, cards and post cards sent from friends that I take to my appointments, and spend time reading them over and over.  It’s such a comfort.

Just spent 3 hours cleaning and reorganizing the basement.  Got a really good start at it.  Decided to make it more “user friendly” for getting to my glass rods and frit.   Moved a shelf closer to the torch so I can reorganize my colors.  When you accumulate your glass a bit at a time, then you have a hard task keeping it organized.  After 6 years of shoving it “where it fits” in the cabinet, I’m actually updating my color book for my Moretti glass.  I haven’t added new colors since 2005.  I’m kinda slow.  Anyway, I’ve rested for a bit.   Well, the boys and I have.  It’s 12:30ish so I need to check mom’s TV stations are on.  And I think I’ll wash and put up some more glass.  Just taking it slow and easy.

Don’t just put some light in someones life today, be a light.

Ever throw a party…..


And it absolutely Rocked!

And a HUGE shout out to everyone who came and helped and made me feel special (and not the short bus kind either). You guys really made me feel part of a family not just part of the family.

Now that the secret is out, we threw a surprise 60th birthday party for my husband yesterday. For the longest time I wasn’t sure if I could handle a party but I’ve been feeling pretty good lately, so early in the week I put the word out that it was on and OMG, everyone I called, took over. It was wonderful. The house was packed with friends and family. We all worked so hard to surprise him. Thanks M and C for helping with the deception, I owe you guys big time. He had no clue till they pulled in the driveway.

I went to bed so tired, but it was the best kind of tired. Hugs abounded and the fairies were out in abundance. Every time I turned around, things were done. I love my fairies. When the last person left, and I looked around, all was clean, put away, stored till next party. Dishes washed, garbage out. It looked like I’d had 2 people over instead of over 40. I Love you my friends.

It felt kind of odd being treated as a sick person in your own home, but every time I tried to do something, I would be physically, painfully reminded that I am a sick person (I refuse to use the word invalid. ‘Cause invalid and invalid are spelled the same, they don’t mean the same) and the task would be taken out of my hands with a loving rejoinder to go sit and talk. I’ve never done that at a party before. I’m always the one running around making sure every thing was done. What a blessing to be able to relax.

I also put the word out that I want my home ringing with laughter this summer. I want the pool to be used, and the yard to ring with laughter. Last time I was ill was the same year the pool collapsed. So not only was I dealing with chemo and radiation. I had a huge mud hole in my backyard for four months. Not a time for friends and laughter. Besides, If there are people, there will be food, and I will eat. And anything to take my mind off of life……..

So, if you didn’t get the word, here it is. Come on over. Bring the kids, your suits, towels, pool toys, sunscreen and whatever you want to drink and come on over. I can’t guarantee brilliant conversation, but I can promise laughter and hugs and a place to hang out. And if you’re from out-of-town, call and I’ll have a room ready. If it’s a good day, we’ll even go sightseeing (or at least to the dog park 🙂 )

It’s gonna be another good day today. Early dinner with my baby, then Rod Stewart and Stevie Nicks at JLA. I can’t wait. Then Joe has Mon. off to recover from the concert.

I off to bed again. Need to rest up for tonight.

Huggs to you all. Have a blessed day.

Wasted days and sleepless nights


Just hanging out in bed today.  I’m so tired and weak.  Everything hurts.  Spending lots of time surfing the internet and listing beads on Ebay.  I feel guilty for leaving mom downstairs by herself, but I just can’t stand to be anywhere but in bed.  I hope she understands.  I keep going down to make sure that her TV is ok and that she’s eating.  She’s just puttering around the house, keeping busy.

Thinking of signing up for an ASL class at Schoolcraft for the summer.  It’s something I wanted to learn anyway.  That and how to juggle. 

I’m off for a nap.  Night all.

Well, Got bad news and no news


Saw the ENT yesterday for biopsy results.  And, drumroll please, It’s back.  She can’t tell me how big, bad, fast or far it is, but the pathology report indicated a positive result.  Apparently the “histology is similar to my previous diagnosis of non small cell ca”.

Which is a really bad.  That means that in all likely hood, I have lung cancer again.  The markers indicated that it was from the lung.  So, what now?  I see the oncologist today at 3:00.  While he will be able to give us a more concrete diagnosis I am under no illusions that the “exploring” has just begun.  More tests, scans, biopsies will follow.  Knowing Dr. M. it will be fast and furious from diagnosis to treatment.  So today is another hurry up and wait day.

I was pleasantly surprised yesterday when there was a knock on my door and two sweet pre-teen girls were standing on my porch.  They asked very politely if they could take my dogs for a walk.  Me, thinking they were little go-getters and appreciating that in a person, asked what they charged for their service.  “Nothing,” they replied, “we heard you were sick again and wanted to help.”  I wanted to cry.  I’ll have to introduce them to Mo before I’ll trust him with them, but he’s doing so great with people so I don’t think I’ll have any problems.  And I will certainly not refuse such a generous offer.  Last time I didn’t want to accept offers of kindness because I didn’t want to burden anyone.  This time, when help is offered I will gladly accept. 

I’ll follow-up with more when I know more.  Love to all.

I would rather ask for forgiveness…..


Than to beg for permission.

My doctors are going to be so pissed that I went ahead with my tattoo, but I really don’t care.

I’m generally more of an admirer of the Japanese “snake” dragon, since they have the wings, but during my research I discovered that while the Japanese dragon looks more fierce, he is actually battling on the side of evil whereas the Chinese dragon battles to protect innocents.  The pearl represents the cancer cells I want need him to help chase away.   A huge “shout out” to Johnny D. at Cherokee Creek Tattoos for the excellent work.  Now to sneak out tomorrow to get my next two.  These will be quick and tiny.  I want two stars above my heart.  Just tiny stars, no outlines, uneven edges, one blue, one pink.  And anyone who has to ask what they are for, doesn’t know me.  Maybe I’ll get them today. 

I’ve made the decision that this is my life, and for as little, or as much time as I have left, I’m living it my way.  That means I can’t wait for people to “catch up” to me.  My husband is committed to hanging in and out with whatever I choose.   I’ve started compiling a list of things I have to do in 2011.  If anyone wants to help me out and come along for the ride, call me.  Any suggestions of things to do will be appreciated.  

I know what’s coming and I’m not afraid (big lie, I’m terrified but will never admit it). It will end one of two ways. I feel like I’m sitting in the middle of a poker hand, the stakes are my life, and I’m not allowed to see my cards till Thursday.  Oh well, all paths lead to the same end and the ride is what you make it. 

Tomorrow at 2:30 I get the biopsy results.  Keep me in your thoughts and prayers.  Send white light, burn incense, chant, rant, whatever your personal choice is.  Just think of me occasionally.

I’m so glad my husband understands….


He just cashed in our CC points and scheduled a vacation in Cozumel for the next week.  My biopsy is on the 10th so our trip will be from the 3rd to the 9th.    I get a week of sun, fun and cocktails by the pool.  A brief respite from reality granted, but at this point, any respite is welcome.

I do feel terrible because we had committed to babysitting this weekend and had to cancel at the last minute.  I’m torn between my loyalty to my kids and my need to get away before everything starts all over again.  The last time everything went so fast.  From diagnosis to chemo to radiation to surgery to recovery to chemo to three years before I was me again. 

So, do I stay or do I go?

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