Regardless of the situation, no matter how hopeless the outcome may be, I will never quit, and I will never back down. I have become the wolf.

Posts tagged ‘Dinner’

Dodged another bullet today.

Went to see the oncologist and didn’t have to have Chemo.  Yeah!!!  Talked to him about the chemo I’m on and how much better I’m feeling now that I’m off it and can we change anything up so I feel better for longer periods of time.  He agreed that I look good and healthy and even  though he wants to continue the chemo, he’s willing to try a new drug called Tarseva.  Now I’m reading about it and it’s looking pretty good.  You take it in a pill form on an empty stomach (not a fan of that method of delivery, but I’ll try it.  Now the doctor mentioned a rash (like acne) and diarrhea.  He neglected to mention the thirty or so other side effects that could, in fact, make me feel worse than the IV chemo I’m getting now.

OK, so in exchange for getting an injection once every three weeks, where I know how I’m going to feel, the only option is a pill I take every day on an empty stomach and I’ll basically feel the same (like shit), just with big oozing zits on my face, neck and chest.  I think I’ll take a pass on this one and stick to the IV.  At least I bought another two weeks of no Chemo.  Finally get to go to the Whitney and enjoy myself with cocktails and everything.  I  finally get to go to the ghost bar.

It’s getting late and I need to get something to eat.  Have a great night all.

Don’t forget to check out this weeks game.

The difference between…

The things I say and the things I mean are sometimes worlds apart and I’m just starting to realize that.  Like telling someone that I’m in “remission”.  What they hear is “I’m cured”, what I mean is that “I still have cancer and will always have it.”  It’s a part of me now.  It’s who I am and how I’m defined.  Also, when I say “I can’t eat”.  It doesn’t mean that I’m being stubborn and want to waste away to skin and bones and live on soup.  What it means is that it hurts to eat, the fibers of the food get lodged in my throat and cause physical pain when I try to swallow.  It’s like trying to swallow around a golf ball.  Doable, but not very pleasant.  It very hard to express what I’m feeling when most people don’t understand what I’m explaining to them.  How many people can identify with “cold/hot sweats”, or “swallowing around a golf ball”, or “when your nerves go chemo crazy”.

So, I need to take more time to explain myself better.  Use my words.  It’s just so much easier to write about it than it is to speak about it.  When I write I can pick and choose my words, change things if they are not right.  The spoken word is like ringing a bell.  There is no way to un-ring it.  It’s done and laying there, like a Baby Ruth in the swimming pool.

Tomorrow will be our family Christmas.  Got the cooking started today, just have to put the bird and the potatoes in the oven, make deviled eggs and a pasta dish and I’m done.  Joe braved the grocery store for the final trip to pick up everything I’d forgotten (yeah Joe).  He knows I have no patience for shoppers, especially at this time of the year.

So I’m off for bed.  It’s a little after 9 and I have a big day tomorrow.  Sunday and Monday I don’t have to get out of bed except to use the bathroom.  I’m so gonna need a massage when the holidays are over.

Happy Holidays to you and yours.  May the gods keep you safe in the palms of their hands.

Ick, ick and Oh Christmas Tree

Woke up this morning, tried to open my eyes and greet the day, and my right eye was goop sealed and so not opening.  I raced to the bathroom and applied a warm washcloth to open it, after looking to see if the goop was white or green, white, thank heavens.  Came downstairs and before I had coffee or breakfast or anything, I called the doctors and made an appointment.  With my immune system being almost nonexistent and just getting off a plane it just seemed prudent.  So, I have a sinus infection that has spread to my tear ducts and infect my eye.  So back on antibiotics for two weeks.  Can’t torch cause everything is blurry in that eye and it’s hard to focus.  I have two vessels that I have to finish and I can’t focus enough to do the chain detail.

So Oz and I are hanging out in the big red chair waiting for Joe to get back from church.

Today went so quickly.  Went to Red Lobster with M and M tonite for dinner cause B ain’t cooking with an eye infection.  Gross.  Had the stuffed mushrooms.  Really yummy and just enough for me (minus the one I gave to Joe cause I couldn’t finish it).  And, BONUS, they helped bring all my Christmas Decorations upstairs.  As they were carrying things up, I kept hearing “are we done yet”.  I don’t think they ever realized just how much it takes to decorate a home this big.  I won’t use it all, I never do, but it’s nice to be able to pick and choose.

Was really nice talking with them and sharing memories and kinda got me started on memory lane.  Now my memory lane, as anyone who knows my home at all, will tell you is on my walls.  I have photo’s hung everywhere.  The entire upstairs hallway is covered in photographs and memories.  Each photo has a special meaning to me, and was hand-picked and placed exactly where I want them.  I remember each day each photo was taken, but each photo has a hidden memory that is only mine.  I’ve never shared the memory, or even the knowledge of the memory with anyone.  I think it’s time to start.  The first one that comes to my head is a photo of C standing in front of a Cadillac Allante’ convertable that we arranged for him to drive to prom.   Dolled up in a tux, his hair is halfway past his shoulders and he has a dumb hat on but he felt like a king that night.  He put so many miles on that car that night I still have my doubts that they ever made it to the prom.  I think they just drove all night to be seen.  The photo is a really good one.  I can see the man he will someday be when I look at it.  But my memory of that day, I didn’t go to the Tigers game.  For a very good reason, I gave my ticket away and didn’t go.  If you want the rest of the story, you have to ask.

It’s late and my little brain is spinning out of control in its small vortex so I am off to stare like a mindless robot at a little flat box for an hour, then, haul my mind numb body upstairs where I will collapse into an exhausted stupor.  (God the prose is flowing, I’m outta here).

Beautiful dreams everyone.

Where do the Mondays go

Are they all in some black hole somewhere waiting to ambush me all at once?  The reason I ask is that Mondays are always such a blur in my mind.  I think it’s because I exspend so much mental and physical energy on the weekends to appear “normal” to friends and family.   I tried being myself for a while, but discovered that people who only see you every few months are uncomfortable with the me from now.  So I pretend for everyone that I’m fine.  Joe, I can be myself with.  He knows that right now I’m over-the-top emotional and he’s dealing with having a weeping windbag for a wife.  Anyway, once again Monday disappeared again.

I do know it was our Anniversary, we went to Max and Erma’s to celebrate (French onion soup, yummo).  I know I took Oscar and Pookie for a walk, went to the dentist, went to the doctor, went to the bank, the drugstore, the hardware store and the corner store.  But I really don’t know where the rest of the day went.  It just kinda vanished.  Oh, I also finished my dragon and he is Fierce! 





Sunday was a lovely day.  Went to church with Tito and Mary.  Fr. Tom did a wonderful service, as usual.  After mass they had a beautiful luncheon in the hall for everyone.  Tons of food and raffles and music.  It was really nice.  Mark came by to watch the game and hang with Joe.  He brought me the most beautiful Orchid.  The way to a mans heart may be his stomach, mines is through Orchids.  For the past 6 years, I’ve celebrated landmarks with Orchids.  I have quite the collection started.  This is the one that Mark brought over.  It’s purple speckled with a tinge of orange on the edges of the leaves.






Mel also stopped by and they took me out to dinner to celebrate my recovery.  She gave me the most delicate Lotus flower pendant.

 They are both very special people and I am so proud of them.  You guys have no idea how much these meant to me.  I’m very touched.



Oh, funny story: 

I collect Willow Tree figurines.  They are beautifully simplistic and each one has a deep meaning.  I think my collection started when a dear friend gave me the “angel of hope” when I was first diagnosed in 2006.  I know who I got each one from and what the occasion was.  Anyway, for Sweetest day, Joe gives me another statue for my collection.  As soon as I read the name of the piece on the box I just started to smile.  I opened the box and nestled inside is a figure of a woman, arms outspread, with three blue birds perched on her arms.  When he asked why I was smiling, I walked him into the living room where I proudly placed the new statue right next to her twin.  The one he had given me in 2007 when I went into remission.  That the same statue would strike the same chord with the same meaning four years apart is amazing.

I hope you all have wonderful days today, full of joy and blessings.  I’m off to finish decorating the house.  Tis the season, dontcha know?  Fly straight everyone.


I just got the best gift ever

Two weeks of mental and heartfelt fighting spirit was just handed to me.  C. brought both of the kids by and we played for hours.  I know I should have spent more time talking to C. and Joe, but I love seeing my grand babies and the changes that occur in between each time we see them. 

H. is becoming more and more verbose every time I see him.  Today  I got a full dissertation concerning Whale Sharks including chalk drawings and everything.  I also learned about symbiotic relationships (A symbiotic relationship is one in which one organism lives off another and both organisms either benefit, or there is no detrimental effect to either organism. An example of this is mistletoe or spanish moss living off of a tree.) between animals.  Keep in mind that he’s only 4.  I also got a full demonstration of all he’s learning in Karate.  I get such a thrill out of him cause everything he does is so exciting and thrilling and he gets such joy out of retelling the stories and the facts.  And I love to encourage him.  I ask him questions and if he know, he’ll tell me.  If he doesn’t know the answer, he’ll tell me “Gramma, I’m not sure, I’ll tell you next time”.  And he does.  He remembers and answers my questions.   He loves making up games and having me play the bad guy, ’cause he’s always good.

I. is becoming a little girlie girl.  I picked her up a doll to play with and she carried the baby all over the house.  She’s starting to talk so well.  She calls me Umma (the only spelling close to what I think she’s saying).  Her beautiful face gets prettier every time I see her.  She has a glowing radiance of a very happy, well-loved child.  The best part of seeing her is the huge smile that spreads crossed her face every time she sees you.  Her arms go out and she wants “Love”.  I’m more than happy to provide it, all day long.  Gramma got a new rocking chair and she discovered that if we snuggle on it, it rocks better so every time I sat in it, she crawled on my lap.  The best part was when she would point to the pink tat on my chest and say “Me” and point to herself, then she’d point to the blue star and say “Harp”, then pat her hand on her heart and say “love”.   Those two little bug butts are going to keep me around for a long time.

C. looked good.  Like he’s losing some weight and firming up.  Joe is also looking a bit smaller in the overhang area.  They both work too hard.  Like father, like son.  I was just so happy to see him and get a big hug.  Nothing arms you better for battle than a good strong hug.

Dinner last night was amazing.  The Whitney is one of the most beautiful places I’ve ever seen.  The detail in the architecture is spectacular.  The food was delicious (except for a few undercooked scallops).  We left happy and full.  Mom didn’t get home till after 11:00 so Joe waited up for her, I went to bed at 10:30 and racked out when my head hit the pillow. 

BTW, the shoes rocked.  The most comfortable “strappy” shoes I’ve ever worn.  I’m going to try to get a picture. 

Huggs to everyone.  I hope your weekend is a great as mine, and if it’s not, drop me an e-mail and I’ll add you to my prayer and white light list.

Can’t get the theme from Sesame Street out of my head.

It’s driving me crazy.  But I guess it’s better than last week when I kept remembering the words to “there was an old lady who swallowed a fly”.  I hope I got you all going nuts with me now, how many verses do you remember?

This is especially since we had so much fun last night at the Stevie Nicks/Rod Stewart. What an incredible show.  If you closed your eyes and sat back, it was like their concerts 30 years ago.  Their voices haven’t changed.  The faces are a little more worn and the “costume changes” were a bit more frequent, but They were amazing.  At one point they did a duet (leather and lace)and I was in heaven.

I have to admit, I looked incredible!  Went shopping with M yesterday and she found the best stores.  I love shopping with her.  Great taste and she doesn’t rush.  Spent way to much, but so worth it.  Lot’s of summer dresses so I can show off my dragon.  Maybe I’ll wear one tonite. 

Joe Louis staff were so helpful and accommodating.  Because I can’t walk far or stand for long periods and really didn’t think a wheelchair would fit in our old seats.  I called because I was concerned and described my problem.  They were incredible. They moved us to the most incredible spot to watch the show.  Kudos to JLA.  So unlike DTE music theatre that made me and all the other wheelchair bound sit in the pouring rain during a Buffet concert.  I wouldn’t go back there even if they offered me free tickets for a lifetime.   (ok, slowly scooting the soapbox away)

Having a pretty good day today.  Just relaxing and recovering from the rocking party last night.  Yep, two beers and good music for me is a good party anymore.  Slept in, hung out with mom and Joe.  And now, have to get ready to go out to dinner.  Chemo tomorrow so who knows when or what I’ll eat again.  Tonite I want a New York Strip and a loaded baked potato.  Lots of red meat and carbs.  Got to build up.

Have a lovely evening everyone.  Huggs.

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