Regardless of the situation, no matter how hopeless the outcome may be, I will never quit, and I will never back down. I have become the wolf.

Posts tagged ‘attitude’

It’s not bravery, I’m not brave. It’s Sunday, and pizza day.


It’s Super Bowl Sunday and I had a houseful till just before halftime.  We made pizza’s and had just had a quiet time.  M and Mel came by and Mel brought Max.  Oscar had such fun playing with his doggie nephew.  Tio and Mary came by for a bit.  It was good to see her eat.

Oscar and I have our first interview with a retirement community tomorrow.  Keep fingers crossed that they like us.

Mom told me the other day how “Brave” I am for dealing with cancer.  Brave hell.  If someone had given me a choice of dealing with cancer or running like hell, I’d still be running.  I’m basically a coward who has had to deal with a ton of stuff that she never wanted, needed or asked for.  I was drafted into this battle, I so didn’t enlist.

Watched the Green Mile last night.  I’d forgotten what a great movie that was.  What a moving message about how special we all are.

It’s snowed about three inches tonight.  I love the way everything looks coated with snow.  I love even more the fact that I don’t have to go anywhere till noon tomorrow so the roads will be clear.  I hope the sun will be out tomorrow at least for a bit.  Everything will sparkle like diamonds in the sunlight.

Joe and I went to Home depot yesterday to get the paint for mom’s room.  Saw a product there that made me think green.  See, around here they won’t take paint cans with wet paint in them.  You have to let the paint harden before the trash will pick it up.  Home Depot came up with a Paint hardener to facilitate that problem.  It’s a packet of chemicals that you pour into your leftover paint and it hardens it up in an hour.  Wouldn’t quick drying cement do the same thing?  It’s cheaper, It’s basically sand and gravel and not chemicals, and who doesn’t have a bag of it lying around.  

Signing off to go watch halftime.  I hope there are some good cheap shots again this year.

Hugs everyone,

B

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Someone slap me so I can sleep.


It’s been weeks.  I’m up all night, then sleep all day.  Or I sleep all night and nap all day.  I don’t know if it’s the weather or my medications interacting or what but I can’t seem to catch enough sleep.  I’m getting nothing done and am feeling the major guilt of leaving everything for everyone else to do.  Day  before yesterday I slept till 2:30 in the afternoon and I was back in bed by eight.

So yesterday I went to the doctors to discuss this problem, cause it is a problem.  We reviewed my medications, did blood work to check for Epstein Barr and for Jaundice.  Checked my white and reds and platelets.  Everything is normal.  My reds and whites are better than they have been in five years.  My platelets are at 25 which is almost normal for a chemo patient.  My meds (all twelve different kinds) checked out, although we decided to stop the Ambien.  According to all that I’ve read they become less effective the longer you are on them.  After six years, I’m past the point of even using them anymore.  So we will see if that changes anything.  I’m supposed to be more active during the day too.  Yep, it’s 4 below outside and sleeping and I’m supposed to go for a walk.  Not gonna happen.

Went out with mom and we both got hair cuts.  Feels good not to be shaggy.  But I don’t like places that don’t wash your hair first.  I’m paying the same price, but they just spray it wet with ice water and cut from there.  I want the shampoo, the scalp massage, the yummy smelling conditioner.  I figure I’m paying for it, I want it.  Last time I go to this place.

Then went to Home Depot with Joe.  Picked up the paint color for the last bedroom that needs to be redone.  It’s Behrs Sweet Midori 420B-5.  I wish I could snap a photo from their website but they have it blocked.  It’s an amazing green, I can’t wait to start painting.

Finally getting smarter about cleaning a two-story house.  Up to this point, I’ve done fairly well.  I have cleaning products in all the bathrooms so I don’t have to carry them from room to room.  I keep supplies of towelling, vinegar, baking soda and liquid soap upstairs and down. So between yesterday and today Joe and I have gotten both a Swiffer sweeper and duster, with refills, to put in the upstairs linen closet.  Now we don’t have to remember to drag them up and down stairs when we are using them.  One more step on the efficiency ladder.

Put on a sweatshirt from 1996 today.  It’s from a whale watching trip we took while on vacation with the kids.  One of the best times.

Off for dinner.  Gonna nosh on leftovers today.  We’ve had take out all week so there are tons of bits to pick from.  Have a wonderful night all.

 

Stupid is as stupid does


I wondered why I slept till 2 this afternoon.  I wondered why I felt “not quite right”, why I wasn’t hungry or thirsty or have any energy.  I just wanted to sleep and couldn’t, everything ached.  Till I looked at my patch and remembered that I was two days late with it.  So stupid.  I freaking know better.  What I was feeling was the first stages of withdrawal, I should so know these by now since I’m so stupid so often.

Found another angel today.  Joe went to the dentist and came back with a package of dental tools that they can’t use any more.  The last time I was in there the assistant and I were talking about glass work and tools and how we shared the same tools and what I used her tools for.  She since went around the office and collected all the “unusable’s” and packaged them up for me.  I love it when angels peek around corners and let you see their faces, even for a split second.  I got a warm, full sensation right around my heart.  That someone would remember a casual conversation and go beyond to actually find tools for me and to make sure I got them, that takes a big ‘ol heart.

Spent the evening watching “another Karate Kid” with Hillary Swank and I’m so wondering how old she was when this movie was made.  The poor costumer spent every minute of the movie trying to cover her adult sized breasts.  I’m amazed they didn’t make more appearances  they did.  I’m convinced they kept making these movies to give Pat Morita a job for another few years. Why is it that I can watch these silly teen-age movies over and over and can only stomach James Bond and his ilk only once?

I’m off to bed.  I can’t believe I slept most of the day away and I’m still tired.  I think my SAD is rearing up again.  Lovely, seasonal depression on top of everyday depression.  A double dose.

Anyone watch the show “Double Diva’s” last night.  Yep, they finally did it.  The advertising boobs made a show about boobs.  Big Boobs too.  Not your everyday boobs.  All we need now is one called “Big Banana Hammocks” and they will have shown all their cards.  We already have the boobs and the ass (Ms Kim) covered.

Really off to bed now.  My thoughts are taking on a random pattern even I’m not comfortable with.

I can’t believe I can’t write


Every time I sit down to put my thoughts to screen (can’t say paper anymore) I find other things to do.  I have turned into a first-rate procrastinator.  Although I have been busy lately, trying to get the basement organized is a lot of work.

I do think I’m coming down with some variation of the Epstein Barr virus.  I’m sleeping constantly, have no appetite and am generally lethargic.  I even fell asleep in a restaurant Sunday.  Like some drunk in the corner, snoring away.  How embarrassing, and I was only drinking  iced tea.

Had to get another root canal yesterday.  These things suck.  Now I have to wait weeks for the crown to come in.  I have to be careful of everything I eat till I get the crown.  I don’t want to lose what’s left of the tooth.

Michigan is into a “just kidding” phase in the weather.  The sun is shining and the sky is a brilliant blue, but it is frigid cold outside.  Looks tropical, feels arctic.

So until I get my writing muse back, I’m sending you photo’s of our vacation.  Hope you enjoy them.

20121223-180624.jpg IMG_0454 IMG_0453 IMG_0443 IMG_0437 IMG_0315 IMG_0324 IMG_0428 IMG_0129 IMG_0316 IMG_0454 IMG_0351 IMG_0328 (2) IMG_0311 IMG_0462 IMG_0354 (2) IMG_0358 IMG_0447 IMG_0347 IMG_0435

 

Seven days in the hospital makes one weak….


Tuesday before last  I went in for my normal chemo.  I felt like dog poop and probably looked almost as attractive as I felt.  My  oncologist took one look at me and told me that we were  skipping chemo and going directly into a hospital bed.  I was so dehydrated from vomiting that I could barely stand up.  So, I spent seven days in.  I don’t remember much about it, I slept a lot and the pain meds always help.  So now I’m home and getting ready for the Holidays.

I have a question.  I was watching one of my cooking shows the other day and the theme was Holiday.  This is the show where four chefs are given “mystery baskets” and have to use all ingredients in a dish.  By process of elimination they determine a winner.  If the theme is Holiday, who’s to say the chef’s had to do December themed Holiday food.  I would have gone totally off the cliff and done Easter or Halloween.  They did not specify which holiday or what month that holiday had to fall in.

The great news by far this month, the rockingest news is that Joe and I have just signed up for a ten-day cruise. I can’t believe it. After we missed our trip to Ireland due to his knee, We were so lucky to get last-minute air fare and cruise prices. The ship leaves out of Miami on Monday, Yep, two days. Good think I know how to pack. I’ve set everything out and just have to put 1/2 of it back.

OK, I put back half and I still have a ton too much.  10 days is a lot of ground to cover.  Got to make sure I pack a hat and sunscreen.  I have my white masks and my tea tree oil  mix for the flight and the crowded areas on the ship.  I’m determined not to get sick again.

This is so exciting, I think we’ve only been to two of these ports so we get new places to explore.  We leave out of Miami, then Nassau, Ocho Rios, Grand Cayman, Roatan, Belize, Cozumel then back to Miami.  The temperature is between 76 and 84 but I’m still taking sweaters and warm clothes.  I get cold so easily, but I’m getting smarter.  Lots of leggings to wear under dresses with boots and my strappy stiletto heels.

So if you are looking for us between the 10th and the 21st, don’t bother. We will be cruising Mexico, drinking rum punches and howling at the moon. Senior Frogs, look out. I wonder how many we can hit this year.  I’m glad there won’t be as much walking as there would have been in Ireland.

I’m so glad I worked so hard to finish mom’s room before Thanksgiving.  She’s coming down to stay with the house and MIL and Oscar.  Everything just fell into place to create the perfect vacation timing.

I’m off to shed more clothes from the “pack me” pile.  Have a great night all.  I doubt I’ll sleep much.

I’m Home!!!


And all that good crap.  I’m just glad I made it home with all my parts intact.

Really, I was glad Joe took me in.  Looking back, three weeks ago I got stomach flu which ended me in the hospital for several days.  I had a week to get better and we went to a dinner party and three people sat next to me and started a conversation which firmly ended when I stood up after they announced “I have a terrible chest cold, don’t you hate coming to parties ill?”  No, what i truly hate are people who come to parties ill knowing that they may infect others who can’t fight it as well as you.  (I honestly don’t think I was that polite, I really don’t.)

Monday was spent feeling generally crappy.  Moped around the house, bitched, whined and complained.  When I wasn’t  bitching I was sleeping.  My chest felt like it had an iron band wrapped around it.  Not good.  Went to doctors and he (oh e oh ah ah, ting tang, walla walla, bing bang) Sorry reverted to childhood there.  Thinking witch doctor.  Anyway, he tells me I’m sick, I have an infection in my lung.  He gives me a shot in the butt and a prescription for some Mega Antibiotics.  I go home, back to sleep.

Tuesday, I came down with Pleurisy.  This is an infection of the  Plenum, the lining around the lung that protects it from the ribs. This infection causes extreme pain when you cough, sneeze, inhale.  And I had to cough.  My lungs were still full of fluid, more like peanut butter, and I had to get it out.  Every time I coughed I had to grab my ribs on my left side and squeeze as tight as I could, lean into the wall and hope it passed quickly.  It didn’t.

Wednesday, I fought it.  Coughing was becoming a contact sport with the wall.  I was fighting to clear this crud up.  I  even tried that crap, you know, the one with the green snots dancing till dawn then getting kicked out.  Waste of $8  if you ask me.  I was up all night coughing with a stabbing pain in my side.

Thursday early, I finally Vicodined out for a few hours, but when I woke up, it was so much worse.  I could barely draw a shallow breath.  I called Joe, told him I needed to get to ER now.  Put on my comfy socks and sweats, grabbed my hospital blanket put my slippers on and sat down to wait for him.  We get to the hospital at 10:30 am and are immediately taken into the ER.  I think the fact that my regular physician was told I was going in and he greased the skids a bit.  By the time we got there all I could take were shallow breaths.  My pulse ox was down to 85 and it was kinda scary.

By this time I am in the capable hands of my doctors and everything else until Sunday afternoon is a blur.  And unless you have pictures and can prove it in a court of law, then I’m denying, denying, denying.  I know I was sick enough to get two pints of blood and for the nurses to be really cheery around me.  Or maybe that was just me being my charming self.

Either way, I’m home now.  My own bed feels like heaven, and although I do miss the room service, it’s good to be home.

 

Day two


Day two after chemo is always hardest for me.  I’ve been a veg all day.  Just sleeping.  Got sick only twice today so that was a good thing.  I feel like I was thrown off a roof only to get hit by a runaway truck.

Hallowe’en was a blast.  I love seeing the little ones dressed up.  Even Oscar costumed up this year.

I tried to get him to stay in his Superman costume, but as you can tell, he did not like it at all.  He wouldn’t even look at me.  So we went back to last years and he was much happier.

He answered the door with me every time.  He never barked at anyone.  He let every single child that wanted to pet him, pet him.  He loved it.  The big ham loves being the center of attention.

The Gecko is healing nicely.  I’m not really happy with the colors yet.  I’m waiting for them to pop.  I really don’t want to have to recover it.  I’ll give it a week and see.  Anyone want to play “guess the body part”?

Changed over to flannel sheets yesterday.  How wonderful these things are.  So soft and warm.  Mom loves hers.  She’s never had flannel sheets before and she was all smiles this morning, she slept so good.  Gods know I didn’t want to get up this morning.  Tomorrow might be a stay in bed day.  After I give Oscar a bath.  The little monster smells like he rolled in something gross.  First thing in the morning he, and all his blankets and bedding get washed.  Why do dogs feel compelled to roll in every stink pile they come acrossed.

Wow, just caught myself staring into space and pondering selling the bows and arrows we have upstairs.  I have to list those tomorrow, should have done it a month ago.  I just want them out from under my bed.  Maybe tomorrow I’ll show you all my color board.  It’s my inspiration board for my beads.  Right now, I’m off to bed.  I keep rocking sideways.

Sleep well all.  I have a feeling it’s going to be a twelve-hour sleep for me.  ❤

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