Nothing right now makes me feel like doing it right now. I have no goals, no accomplishments on the horizon. No new crafts that I can afford, and the old crafts are getting a dusting and sold.
I’m going through a stage where I have to figure out what I want to do for the rest of my life.
Do you ever think back to when you were young to what you wanted out of life. My first real “grown-up” want was to marry a preacher and have a houseful of kids. I had come from a house of solitude, even with five people in it. I wanted the one big happy. Well gave up that dream when I babysat for someone with four toddlers and a newbie.
So, then I wanted to be a lawyer, so I studied hard and got good grades, joined the gymnastics team and the debate team. Tried out for cheerleading, the whole nine yards. I wanted the high school experience, the friends, the parties the cool clothes. But that wasn’t to be for me. As much as I wanted to be a lawyer, I had the reality of working two part-time jobs, paying rent, food, clothing and utilities. And I was never home. And the fact that at halfway through tenth grade my father looked at me and told me that I wasn’t smart enough for college so he’s not saving for it. And as a throwaway, he told me that I’m not that pretty either so I better get some dumb ass to get me pregnant and marry me, cause once I pass twenty, I’m done.
So I screwed up the last two years of high school, barely passing, but no college would look at me. I bailed. Instead of showing the old man he was an ass, I let him talk me into it.
I got married at 17. To a man who was 27. Are we seeing a problem here. X had never lived outside his momma’s house, she thought the sun shone out his ass. She would scurry around him asking him if he were hungary, because lord knew I didn’t cook his four meals a day.
After five years of that happy horse shit, plus a mountain other things, I took off for warmer spaces. I hopped a plane with a friend of mine to Acapulco where we spent an amazing two weeks and I could be now if fortunes had reversed.
Got back to Michigan broke, jobless, homeless. Got a car for cheep, found a quick minimum wage job and started over. I had nothing when I came back here. I was a wreck for quite a while. Basically I threw away seven years of my life because my compass was spinning.
Worked at a lot of scary places and did some shady deals, bad relationships were more common anything. I made no friends. I didn’t like these people. They were too much like me. Why would I want to be friends with people I don’t like?
I’m off to bed now. The thought train has derailed for the evening and must be put away gently.