Regardless of the situation, no matter how hopeless the outcome may be, I will never quit, and I will never back down. I have become the wolf.

Nothing right now makes me feel like doing it right now.  I have no goals, no accomplishments on the horizon.  No new crafts that I can afford, and the old crafts are getting a dusting and sold.

I’m going through a stage where I have to figure out what I want to do for the rest of my life.

Do you ever think back to when you were young to what you wanted out of life.  My first real “grown-up” want was to marry a preacher and have a houseful of kids.  I had come from a house of solitude, even with five people in it.  I wanted the one big happy.  Well gave up that dream when I babysat for someone with four toddlers and a newbie.

So, then I wanted to be a lawyer, so I studied  hard and got good grades, joined the gymnastics team and the debate team.  Tried out for cheerleading, the whole nine yards.  I wanted the high school experience, the friends, the parties the cool clothes.  But that wasn’t to be for me.  As much as I wanted to be a lawyer, I had the reality of working two part-time jobs, paying rent, food, clothing and utilities.  And I was never home.  And the fact that at halfway through tenth grade my father looked at me and told me that I wasn’t smart enough for college so he’s not saving for it.  And as a throwaway, he told me that I’m not that pretty either so I better get some dumb ass to get me pregnant and marry me, cause once I pass twenty, I’m done.

So I screwed up the last two years of high school, barely passing, but no college would look at me.  I bailed.  Instead of showing the old man he was an ass, I let him talk me into it.

I got married at 17.  To a man who was 27.  Are we seeing a problem here.  X had never lived outside his momma’s house, she thought the sun shone out his ass.  She would scurry around him asking him if he were hungary, because lord knew I didn’t cook his four meals a day.

After five years of that happy horse shit, plus a mountain other things, I took off for warmer spaces.  I hopped a plane with a friend of mine to Acapulco  where we spent an amazing two weeks and I could be now if fortunes had reversed.

Got back to Michigan broke, jobless, homeless.  Got a car for  cheep, found a quick minimum wage job and started over.  I had nothing when I came back here.  I was a wreck for quite a while.  Basically I threw away seven years of my life because my compass was spinning.

Worked at a lot of scary places and did some shady deals, bad relationships were more common anything.  I made no friends.  I didn’t like these people.  They were too much like me.  Why would I want to be friends with people I don’t like?

I’m off to bed now.  The thought train has derailed for the evening and must be put away gently.


Comments on: "The lethargy has gotten me and won’t let me go." (2)

  1. Rowyn Capers said:

    It’s in the air, I’ve been “reminiscing”, too. It’s the shorter daylight, the colder everything, the trepidation that the days ahead are full of expectations but how many of those expectations are really ours, what WE really want?
    LOL, Teenage Wasteland is playing on the radio.

    You are an Empress, the consummate powerfilled womyn who can do anything she wants, but that still hurting young girl inside makes us think otherwise.

    I wish I could help, but I’m in the same exact place, except I’m gonna torch today. It’s been months, too many months since I’ve lit that flame and that’s what I want to do today.

    Perhaps you can take a day to nap? to get some of your strength back?

    Hugs and merry sabbath, make it a day of honour for Brenda.


  2. You are a fighter obviously and a real person…..

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