Regardless of the situation, no matter how hopeless the outcome may be, I will never quit, and I will never back down. I have become the wolf.

I was just reading a blog from a young lady who has just finished her breast cancer journey.  She was so excited to have all her blank days in front of her.  No doctors appointments, no chemo, no radiation.  Just freedom from cancer.

Then I started to cry.

I remember that day, week, month even years that I thought I was cancer free.  Four and a half years.  Six months from the “five-year survivor” mark.  (The general rule is 5 yrs and it won’t be back) Then I woke one day with that feeling.  That miserable, sinking feeling in the pit of your stomach that let’s you know “I’m back”.

Then there was “round two”.

Now they say I’m a NERD again (no evidence of recurring disease) even though I have to go every three weeks for chemo.

I asked the new oncologist on Tuesday about this drug they have me on.  It’s supposed to stop the cancer cells from spreading.  I asked him how long I’d have to be on it and he told me what I already know.  I’ll be on it for the rest of my life unless one of two things happen, either they cure cancer, or my body decides it’s had enough and becomes immune to the drugs.

I had to go out to interact with people today.  I figured out long ago that most people don’t really want to hear the answers when they ask how you are doing.  They want to hear “fine”,  sometimes I go into details just to watch their eyes glaze over.  It’s a good thing I can act, I should have a freaking Emmy by now.  I hate having to pretend, but I won’t do the pity party thing either.

I think it’s time for a nice nap now.  Have a good day everyone.


Comments on: "Sometimes reality hits you like a brick" (2)

  1. Rowyn Capers said:

    I don’t have cancer so it’s not the same, but I was thinking today,”Am I sure I don’t have any appointments?” No pt no dr no other dr no adjustment, no consult no dds, no eye dr? nope just a day off.

    It feels weird.

    And I get the same thing when people ask how I’m doing or feeling, except most of the time I tell them now, let their eyes glaze over, I’m tired of people not even realising that they asked, “How are you?” And I try to remember to respond when I ask them how they are, if they say they are tired I ask if they were up late….and they’re like whaaaaaat? Unconscious.

    So, you can talk to me, I do care how you are feeling and my eyes don’t glaze over even though you can’t see them.

    I’m sorry for what so many of us are going thru; I try to find the gratitude, it could always be worse, but sometimes, I’ve just had it and I want the space to express that.

    I’m glad you are being honest B, I care alot.


  2. Cancer can be a lonely disease and with all who care about you… Its nothing but how sorry I Am that you have had to deal with this for so long… As much you have going on your a true fighter.. Not denying that it hurts which every direction you look at it…

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