Regardless of the situation, no matter how hopeless the outcome may be, I will never quit, and I will never back down. I have become the wolf.


After calling the oncologist for several days in a row trying to find out if they’ve received my pathology report yet.  I don’t like to bug them, but they say the squeaky wheel gets the oil, so I’ve been calling to check.  I know how easy it is to overlook one piece of paper.

So, tomorrow at 4:00 we trip off to Dr. Margolis’s office to see if I get to start Tarceva or if I am to stay on Alimta.

It’s time to face facts that cancer is not going to go away.  It will be with me till the end, it will probably finish me in time.  All I can do is deal with it one day at a time.  I have fought this fight for so long now.  There are so many days when the burdens are so heavy, all I can do is sleep.

Except at night.  I have become a voracious night eater.  Not “real” food, but junk food.  Peanut butter crackers, jello, fruit and pudding in little plastic cups, instant mac and cheese (yep, the unnatural yellow stuff) and oatmeal are them most frequently noshed upon.  I’m usually up at 2 and chowing down, then I go back to sleep.  More strange patterns to get used to.

I can’t wait for spring.  I want my backyard back.  My yard is my oasis in the summer.  Now that I have a new pool heater, the water will be nice all day, every day.

Back to thinking positive thoughts and walking on sunshine.  The longer I whip myself, the worse I get.  I need to get out of the house. Maybe tomorrow.

For now, have a great night.  Don’t let the bastards win, whatever you do.

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