Regardless of the situation, no matter how hopeless the outcome may be, I will never quit, and I will never back down. I have become the wolf.

A reflection

To my son.

You would have been 33 soon.  They said my due  date was either Dec 30/31.

I miss our talks, well, my monologues to you, as you rolled like a fish and sometimes took offence with a sharp kick or an elbow.  I wonder who you would have been, what you would be like, what your beliefs would be.  Mostly I wonder what you would have looked like and how you would have felt as I held you, what you would have smelled like.  For 6 months I carried you inside me.  Felt your changes, watched you grow, hoped and wondered and dreamed.   I’m sorry I couldn’t have protected you more.   I was too slow and he was too mad.  I even remember why, it was stupid.

It’s hard getting older and watching the kids I watched grow up, watching their kids grow up.  I missed that connection between mother/child and knowing it’s something I will never have.

So, forgive me for being down for a few days.  I’m reflecting on losses and the way things should have been


Comments on: "A reflection" (2)

  1. Huge hugs, Brenda…

  2. Honey, would like to talk to you more about this with Lot’s of Love.

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