There are so many things that I want to get done right now that I’m actually stagnant. I really want to finish cleaning the downstairs so I can clean the upstairs. But I can’t finish downstairs cause the vacuum is upstairs and I can’t bring it downstairs until I finish cleaning upstairs. And while I’m cleaning the upstairs, I really want to clean out my “crap” room and move everything to my workspace in the basement. But I need help carrying things downstairs and don’t want to ask anyone to help me till I get it organized. Anyway, before I can do that I need to clean and organize my workspace so I have room for everything, and again I need help. But, every time I’m in my workspace, I want to torch really bad. I feel guilty about not having my housework done so I punish myself by not torching. It’s a vicious circle that I can’t seem to break.
And this new Chemo they gave me on Tuesday has my mind and body all screwed up. I’m not hungry during the day, but I can eat all night. I sleep all day and most of the night. I think today is the first day I haven’t slept more than 10 hours. My emotions are in an uproar (so glad Joe stopped and got my Estrogen tonite).
I think part of my problem is the fact that we closed down the pool today. It always starts a downward spiral for my SAD (Seasonal Affects Disorder). And I get to look at that glaring, dirty blue tarp until Mothers Day. We officially open the pool every year on Mothers Day. It’s our own private celebration of the day.
I need something to do. I never leave the house anymore. I have nowhere to go and no one to do anything with. All my old friends have faded away and new friendships are so hard to form when you have to work around your doctors appointments and procedures. I really want to volunteer somewhere, but I have restrictions: Can’t be around a lot of people, can’t be around sick people, can’t be around children, so my ideal volunteer position is to sit in my own house and do nothing like I do now. What a thrill, and to not get paid for it….. Bonus!!!
Did have a really wonderful weekend last week. Went to C & L’s to see the new house and the kids. The babies are growing up so fast. I miss them so much. It’s hard knowing that they aren’t 1.5 hours away anymore. I know it’s for the best and comes with better job and better house and so many people are out of work. It’s a blessing to have someone so gifted and willing to provide for his family. (‘scuse me, stepping out for a pity party, be right back…………………………….)
And while we are talking about chemo,
I’m never one for taking someones word on faith. I’m the first one on Snopes when the “boy need a million cards” e-mail comes through. Or anyone similar to that. I’ve even e-mailed them back asking them to please check facts and quit wasting my time.
So forgive me if after 33 rounds of radiation and 6 rounds of Chemo, being sick as a dog for months. Still having to have “maintenance” chemo for a year, I really don’t believe the oncologist when he magically declares that I’m cured. No tests, no crystal ball, just that I’m cured. Oh, and in three weeks, go get a CT scan, of my chest, abdomen and pelvic. Uumm, my cancer is in my throat, which is in my neck. Not really covered anywhere in those three areas. The closest they get is the chest and even that is 3 inches lower than where the cancer is. I’m frustrated, can’t you tell.
Time to call it a night my lovelies. Have a sweet Sabbath all.