Regardless of the situation, no matter how hopeless the outcome may be, I will never quit, and I will never back down. I have become the wolf.


Like I’m made of spun glass and will shatter at any moment.  My emotions are rollercoastering out of control and I swing from crocodile tears to laughter.  Just received an email from M that made my heart happy and two seconds later I’m tearing up like I lost my best friend. I feel hopeless, helpless and out of control.  It’s not a good day in Brenda’s world.  I actually had to have help getting up the stairs last night.  I’m not even going to attempt them today.  I’ll nap on the couch, although I prefer my bed.

I get to go in tonite for a blood and platelets transfusion.  This is going to be fun.  At least I’ll have a real bed and not some corner of the emergency room.  This will take several hours so Joe and I are in for a long night.  Think of us as you tuck into your cozy beds tonight.  Chemo has been pushed back for another week so I’m kinda geeked about that.  I hope it’s my last round of chemo, but I’m never sure.  Only three more radiation sessions to go.  I should be ramped up, but I just can’t manage to imagine driving myself there three more times to do this.  I’m so tired afterwards.  I called Tio and asked if he would drive me for the rest of the week and he agreed.  I’m so lucky to have him and Mary in my life.  They are like the grandparents I never knew and would have loved to have known.  Lucky girl Amanda.

I’m taking my journal with me tonite so I can re-read all the wonderful cards and letters that have been sent from friends and family encouraging me on my journey.  I just wish I had more energy.  Even the thought of laundry is daunting at this point. 

I’m off to my nap.  All my love.

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