Regardless of the situation, no matter how hopeless the outcome may be, I will never quit, and I will never back down. I have become the wolf.

The good news (according to the oncologist) is that the tumors are shrinking.  The bad news is that they did not go away completely.  So, more chemo and now we get to add Radiation to the mix.  I am so not looking forward to this part.   What that means is that they are now going to start firing radiation at my throat and chest.  My throat will be fried, along with my vocal cords and most of my chest muscles.  Eating will be a painful experience, so will throwing the food back up.  I can’t wait to try breathing.  I’m so scared.  I know I’ve done this before and I can do it again.  I just really don’t want to.

I just want to lay in my bed and cry.  I know I’ll get over the depression soon, I’m not a “pity me” type person.  I just need some time to work it out.  My stomach is in a knot and it matches the one in my throat.

I feel bad that there is so much going on in the world around me and all I can focus on is me.  Very selfish of me I know, but I can’t seem to help it.  I’ll be better soon (attitude wise), just have to take baby steps for the physical side.

Thanks to everyone for your kind comments and well wishes.  They do help raise my spirits.  I love reading them during chemo.  I’ve started a book of all the cards, postcards and letters that everyone has sent.  I love looking at them during chemo.

I think I’m off to crawl into a hot bath and soak my achy bones.  I feel like I’m chilled to the core.  A hot bath never hurts, and usually always helps.

Love to you all.  Make sure you hug someone today, you never know if you’ll have another chance.


Comments on: "Got my results yesterday, don’t know if I want to celebrate or cry." (7)

  1. Diane said:

    I continue to follow your progress through this very stressful time. In my opinion you’re showing amazing strength and resiliance through all of this. Please know that I continue to hold you in my prayers asking for a full and speedy recovery. You WILL power through…there is light at the end of this tunnel. You have many loved ones and complete strangers praying for you.

  2. Truewealth said:

    The fact that the tumors have shrunk is a positive sign, much better than being told that they have not. Sending you courage, strength and peace as you move thru all of this…one step at a time. Just know that you are being held up in a healing light by many people….take your time to rest and just ‘be’….then get back up and continue to kick ass until this is behind you.

  3. Rayette said:

    I think you are a strong women, you have been there done that and can do it again. You no longer have the fear of the unknown so this time it wont be as bad. You have many people thinking, praying and sending you good vibes. You CAN beat this. Great news they are shrinking, just a bit longer and you will be back to Brenda normal ; ). Love you tons!

  4. I was hoping they’d be gone, but at least they’ve shrunk. Praying they’ll continue shrinking and will eventually be gone!

  5. I so glad to hear you had some good news, yes maybe it isn’t gone, but shrinking is a very good sign, means they’re doing something right. You are a strong willed bull headed person, but you do need time to relax and rest too, so kick back soak a little relax alot, get the worrng out of your system and move on, thing will work out, YOU WILL MAKE THEM WORK, you have a very good support system, our prayers and love go out to you, I think of you often, stay strong like I know you are…

  6. Catie said:

    I am glad that they are shrinking! I know what more chemo and the added radiation means for you, stay strong! You are truly amazing!

  7. Joyce/Jhana said:

    Brenda, Your strength and resilience amaze me, but even
    more than that, your willingness to be so open and share
    this experience with the unvarnished details.
    I don’t know that I could be that brave. I think of you often and
    keep you in my prayers. They are shrinking and that is excellent news!!!!!!
    I hugged someone today 🙂

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