Regardless of the situation, no matter how hopeless the outcome may be, I will never quit, and I will never back down. I have become the wolf.

And I’m totally terrified.  What if the chemo didn’t shrink the cells?  What if they spread.  What if this pain in my neck isn’t just a sore muscle.  I get a little freaky before getting the results of tests.  I probably won’t sleep tonite.  Too busy worrying my little head to sleep.  I’m working on the shrug that I’m crocheting for M.  It’s flying by.  I think I’ll need more yarn for it tomorrow.  I can’t wait till she sees it.  Damn,  off track again.  Results can come out one of three ways:

  1. Everything went away, tra la tra la, and I never have to worry again.
  2. The tumors are there, but they have shrunk, so continue with the chemo.
  3. Gone too far, didn’t catch it in time.  Tumors have spread.  Sorry.

I’m sick trying to guess what the results will be.  My stomach is in a knot and I can hear my pulse in my ears.  Sounds really fast to me.  I know my BP is through the roof.  Just panicking

I did the one thing that I was not supposed to do.  I went on the internet and looked up the survival rate for my type of cancer in the “recurrence” department.  Numbers don’t lie, or look good.  Of the 20% that survive a year half of those will have a recurrence in a year.  Of the other 10% most will make it to the five-year mark.  (which is right where I am)  3% survival rate based on where it is and the spread pattern and the tumors in the throat. 

OK, starting to depress myself.  Time to change subject.  Really easy for me to do.  Pool is open!!!  I’m so excited to look out the back window and not see a black pit.  Of course, the only ones enjoying it now are the ducks,  Mom get’s such a kick out of letting the dogs out to chase the ducks.  Someday, one of them is gonna get wet. 

Quick report on how I’m feeling.  All my joints feel like they are full of glass.  My stomach is constantly sore, like everything I eat is poisoned somehow.    I constantly hear the beat of my heart in my ears and it’s annoying the shit out of me.  I’m fighting hard to maintain a “happy face” facade for Mom and friends, but I’m about to burst.  Good news is that I haven’t thrown up in two days.  I’m really very happy about that.  My chest and stomach muscles need time to recover.

Well, it’s midnight and it’s raining.  Think I’ll go curl up in bed and watch the finale of ANTM.  Huggs to all who read this.  I know I have some cards and letter out, just need to find the strength to do it.


Comments on: "Tomorrow I find out my results." (6)

  1. Judy Fearn said:

    Hoping and praying for a good outcome! I think of you often and admire how you have faced up to this. I wish there was more I could do, somehow…

  2. jOSEPH gILLEN said:

    I am with you HB. Scared as well and praying and hoping for the best. I have known about the statistics for 5 years now.

    Love HB

  3. Val cox said:

    thinking of you Brenda. You came along with me on a trip to Vermont this past week through my sketchbook/ travel journal –made just for you. I’ll mail it out today. Val

  4. Brenda, I sure hope for the best of the results.

  5. Catie said:

    Brenda, my thoughts are constantly with you, I wish I could take away your fear and suffering. Sending all of my white light and love your way…..along with a little something in the mail 🙂

  6. Brenda, Thinking of you and sending positive thoughts your way. You’ve always been a trouper, here’s hoping all turns out well today. Hugs, Barb

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